John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
Opinions expressed here are not the opinions of my employer. They are the opinions of Elvis Presley as relayed to me telepathically by the inhabitants of Venus. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nvcwxxjti7dvgqovf2rrml2c/feed/aaaj5zycfldqi
Pinned
John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
· Feb 14
If your wife says she wants chocolate and strawberries for Valentine’s Day, mixing Count Chocula and Frankenberry is not good enough. I know this now.
Reposted by John Lyon
Poking my brain with a stick to see if it's still alive, accidentally unlocking a portal to a new dimension that only I can see and no one believes it's not just the brain damage talking
October 26, 2025 at 8:21 PM
Poking my brain with a stick to see if it's still alive, accidentally unlocking a portal to a new dimension that only I can see and no one believes it's not just the brain damage talking
Reposted by John Lyon
Why weren’t cougars a thing when I was a young man?
November 26, 2025 at 3:13 PM
Why weren’t cougars a thing when I was a young man?
Reposted by John Lyon
Inside me there are 2 wolves and they've both had enough of your shit, Patricia
November 26, 2025 at 9:01 PM
Inside me there are 2 wolves and they've both had enough of your shit, Patricia
Reposted by John Lyon
inside me are two burritos, they were delicious
November 26, 2025 at 12:19 AM
inside me are two burritos, they were delicious
Reposted by John Lyon
gtfo if your cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like a can like nature intended
November 26, 2025 at 1:57 PM
gtfo if your cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like a can like nature intended
Reposted by John Lyon
I remember when things only cost an arm.
October 29, 2023 at 9:56 AM
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Reposted by John Lyon
I dunno, babe..
maybe get bangs and a new personality
maybe get bangs and a new personality
November 17, 2025 at 5:38 PM
I dunno, babe..
maybe get bangs and a new personality
maybe get bangs and a new personality
Reposted by John Lyon
Me: I want junk food.
Brain: Drink this 1L of water instead.
Me: Now I feel gross and bloated.
Brain: Junk isn't looking so good now, amirite?
Me: Yeah. Say, could we stop that recurring dream where I'm naked in front of my class.
Brain: Ooh, sorry, going on break right now.
Brain: Drink this 1L of water instead.
Me: Now I feel gross and bloated.
Brain: Junk isn't looking so good now, amirite?
Me: Yeah. Say, could we stop that recurring dream where I'm naked in front of my class.
Brain: Ooh, sorry, going on break right now.
November 9, 2025 at 1:31 PM
Me: I want junk food.
Brain: Drink this 1L of water instead.
Me: Now I feel gross and bloated.
Brain: Junk isn't looking so good now, amirite?
Me: Yeah. Say, could we stop that recurring dream where I'm naked in front of my class.
Brain: Ooh, sorry, going on break right now.
Brain: Drink this 1L of water instead.
Me: Now I feel gross and bloated.
Brain: Junk isn't looking so good now, amirite?
Me: Yeah. Say, could we stop that recurring dream where I'm naked in front of my class.
Brain: Ooh, sorry, going on break right now.
Reposted by John Lyon
"I'll always make time for you, girl."
- Me to you but also to a plate of nachos
- Me to you but also to a plate of nachos
November 6, 2025 at 1:30 PM
"I'll always make time for you, girl."
- Me to you but also to a plate of nachos
- Me to you but also to a plate of nachos
Reposted by John Lyon
When the waiter says don't touch the plate because it's really hot, the first thing my parents do is touch it. Every time.
October 28, 2025 at 3:36 PM
When the waiter says don't touch the plate because it's really hot, the first thing my parents do is touch it. Every time.
Reposted by John Lyon
the creature growing in my loofah said “please, creator, make me a companion”
November 18, 2025 at 2:21 PM
the creature growing in my loofah said “please, creator, make me a companion”
Reposted by John Lyon
My favorite color is 90s Taco Bell booth purple.
August 24, 2025 at 9:02 PM
My favorite color is 90s Taco Bell booth purple.
Reposted by John Lyon
Youth pastor (after sitting down on a chair turned backwards): I know you kids like these modern pop songs by Sabrina but you know who else was a Carpenter?
November 27, 2025 at 3:00 AM
Youth pastor (after sitting down on a chair turned backwards): I know you kids like these modern pop songs by Sabrina but you know who else was a Carpenter?
Reposted by John Lyon
The airline just told me I have to pay an oversize bag fee for the ones under my eyes.
November 21, 2025 at 6:48 PM
The airline just told me I have to pay an oversize bag fee for the ones under my eyes.
Reposted by John Lyon
I’m the only one with a hammer and nails in fencing class everyone else brought swords lmao It’s not often I’m the smart one in the group.
November 21, 2025 at 5:10 PM
I’m the only one with a hammer and nails in fencing class everyone else brought swords lmao It’s not often I’m the smart one in the group.
Reposted by John Lyon
The odds of being attacked by a turkey are low, but never zero.
November 27, 2025 at 12:48 AM
The odds of being attacked by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Reposted by John Lyon
Got fingerprinted for my new job!
They were so nice; the police were even there escorting me. So sweet
They were so nice; the police were even there escorting me. So sweet
October 3, 2025 at 2:11 PM
Got fingerprinted for my new job!
They were so nice; the police were even there escorting me. So sweet
They were so nice; the police were even there escorting me. So sweet
Reposted by John Lyon
wife: why can’t you be more spontaneous?
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
November 26, 2025 at 2:08 PM
wife: why can’t you be more spontaneous?
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
me: but I bought you flowers for no reason only last week
wife: yes but I was thinking more along the lines of just bursting into flames…
Reposted by John Lyon
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
November 26, 2025 at 2:10 PM
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Reposted by John Lyon
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
November 26, 2025 at 6:31 PM
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Reposted by John Lyon
how else will i know if my kid's a witch?
November 26, 2025 at 7:28 PM
how else will i know if my kid's a witch?
Reposted by John Lyon
Possibly just me but I think I shouldn't have to Accept Cookies every single visit
November 27, 2025 at 12:21 AM
Possibly just me but I think I shouldn't have to Accept Cookies every single visit
My plus one for this year’s Thanksgiving dinner is vodka.
November 27, 2025 at 12:08 AM
My plus one for this year’s Thanksgiving dinner is vodka.
Reposted by John Lyon
what do you call a british mother who is unusually petite?
a minimum
a minimum
November 24, 2025 at 1:00 PM
what do you call a british mother who is unusually petite?
a minimum
a minimum
Reposted by John Lyon
They call it “personal growth” because other people’s growths are disgusting.
November 19, 2025 at 11:10 AM
They call it “personal growth” because other people’s growths are disgusting.