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John Lyon

@johnlyon.bsky.social

2.9K followers 660 following 270 posts

Opinions expressed here are not the opinions of my employer. They are the opinions of Elvis Presley as relayed to me telepathically by the inhabitants of Venus. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nvcwxxjti7dvgqovf2rrml2c/feed/aaaj5zycfldqi

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · Sep 6

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

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donni saphire @donni.bsky.social · 2d

Toddlers have a “being mean to everyone” phase, which helps them learn the important skill of being mean to everyone

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Gian D’Oh @giandoh.bsky.social · 5d

Who titled it “Godzilla: King of the Monsters” and not “How I Met Your Mothra”? I’d like a word…

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Theciscokidder @theciscokidder.bsky.social · 27d

*screams into the pumpkin spiced void*

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Jez @jez1.bsky.social · 27d

Yay! I’m finally old enough to pretend I can’t hear

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DaddyJew @daddyjew.bsky.social · Jul 1

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she decides to burn your house down

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Shade 5 @shade5.bsky.social · 24d

*my funeral

son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

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Fun @funkelly.bsky.social · 20d

i muted the word rapture and most of my timeline disappeared, which is a sort of rapture in and of itself

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Vamp Lizzlepants 🧛🏻‍♀️ @lizzlepants.bsky.social · 7d

I’ll do better tomorrow I say for the 7,508th day in a row

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Miss Suzy @sqrlymofo.bsky.social · Sep 13

Got my cologuard results. It's poop.

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GᵣₐbₜₕₑInflatableWₑₙₑₛₛ @ayankdownunder.bsky.social · 1d

Lowered expectations is the hot new trend.

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Idle @hatesnicethings.bsky.social · 1d

"You can't fire me. I quit."

-disgruntled human cannonball

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Danny @mardigroan.bsky.social · 1d

There are smart phones and even smart water. I need smart pants to let me know when I accidentally left my fly open.

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bloody bacon popsicle 🧀 @gupton68.bsky.social · 15h

Someone at the supermarket asked if I knew where the cheese aisle was and it was just pure instinct to give them wrong directions so there was more cheese left for me.

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Brick's 𝕳𝖆𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖉 House 🍁🎃 @brickmahoney.bsky.social · 15h

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada, when we go down to the park to fight Canada geese. The winners eat the losers

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 15h

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

A black and white dog stares at the image of a flock of sheep on a computer monitor.

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 11h

“Hey mister, wanna see me go really fast? Mister?”

A young cheetah reaches out to grab the pant leg of a person next to them.

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Jimmer Cork-Bottle @jimmerthatisall.bsky.social · 9h

Please make your replies more sequitur.

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Uncle Duke @uncleduke1969.bsky.social · 9h

shhhhh… it was a really long drive

A small white compact vehicle rests on its side on a mattress at the curb on a suburban street,

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stabke @stabke.bsky.social · 8h

Sure my dad may have put out a cigarette on my arm but Biggy Smalls put 24 carrots in his babygirl’s ear

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John Lyon @johnlyon.bsky.social · 5h

My bank's website is one letter off from a gross German porn site and it's annoying because I keep accidentally visiting my bank's website.

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Greg the Miller @gregthemiller.bsky.social · 2d

they should invent a shopping cart that doesn’t suck

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Μαρια Κιτρινη @greekheanen.bsky.social · 6d

New game: Lie or nap. You're allowed either to tell a lie or take a nap

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Μαρια Κιτρινη @greekheanen.bsky.social · 1d

-Are you dissapointed in me or is this your usual face?

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Wendigo Wires 👻 @joparkerbear.bsky.social · Jul 9

“Are you okay?”

“No. Why? Did I seem okay before?”

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bloody bacon popsicle 🧀 @gupton68.bsky.social · 6d

Whenever I feel alone I try to remind myself that my parents are looking down on me with love and hoping that one day I’ll find happiness with a special someone, and that when I do I’ll finally let them out of the attic.

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