The bone buddies say that if I truly want to get into their good graces, I should hand-sew them tiny hats. They say their celebrations are ruefully in want of hats.

I'm going to buy a dog and tell it all of my problems

My 75 year old dad wants to talk to you about vape mods.

Nothing quite like your pet rubbing up against you when they are Mystery Wet™️ to cause a whole chain reaction of concerned, confused, and disgusted feelings all at once

filling my weekly pill organizer with hopes and dreams

I think I could be best buds with the lady in my neighborhood that has the big "Go Away" sign by her front door but I am respecting her sign

*throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

Uses candy corn as ear plugs.

There once was a limerick at sonnetcon? Wow even poetry news is anarchy

The open mouthed, silent scream of a cornered possum one stumbles upon. Did it curse me?

No.

Tossed a rolling pin for my dog to fetch, and he (eventually) returned with a batch of buttermilk biscuits, sans butter or marmalade. Stupid dog.

you can whisper kris kross to yourself as a pep talk during a presentation no one will care is a lesson I learned this week

This is terrible

there is no god when Diane Keaton dies before Woody Allen does

having things named after you is awesome unless it’s a mountain pass

practicing quiet queefing so i don’t disrupt this christening

Me and my clones are in a doppelgäng.

i’m just a russian estate steward, standing in front of my brother-in-law’s hot young wife, asking her to save me from my all-consuming ennui

today we think of classical music as stuffy but in the 18th century if a symphony caused a noblewoman any degree of sexual arousal the piece was declared decadent and immoral and her husband would invade the composer's home country. thus was mozart responsible for more dead habsburgs than syphilis.

If someone knocks on the bathroom door while I am using it, I cry out, "The ritual is not yet complete!"

How many ghost peppers must I eat before I can walk through walls?

I took 2 sleeping pills instead of 1 and woke up w my phone INSIDE my pillowcase 13 hours later.