@unicorn-carnage.bsky.social
Monkey is my business, and business is good. Tiny, clumsy forest creature.
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You can kill me with kindness, as long as you get the job done I don't care how you do it.
August 15, 2025 at 8:08 PM
You can kill me with kindness, as long as you get the job done I don't care how you do it.
Confirming that all these assholes are two pump chumps
August 15, 2025 at 8:53 PM
Confirming that all these assholes are two pump chumps
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A woman isn't fully dressed without a chainsaw
August 9, 2025 at 1:07 PM
A woman isn't fully dressed without a chainsaw
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Squirrel Thoughts
"I think the other squirrels are hiding things from me."
"I think the other squirrels are hiding things from me."
August 9, 2025 at 12:27 PM
Squirrel Thoughts
"I think the other squirrels are hiding things from me."
"I think the other squirrels are hiding things from me."
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I get sad when I see dead animals
on the road so I make up stories in my head like oh, someone lost a sock or wow, that’s a weird shaped bag.
on the road so I make up stories in my head like oh, someone lost a sock or wow, that’s a weird shaped bag.
July 23, 2025 at 11:33 AM
I get sad when I see dead animals
on the road so I make up stories in my head like oh, someone lost a sock or wow, that’s a weird shaped bag.
on the road so I make up stories in my head like oh, someone lost a sock or wow, that’s a weird shaped bag.
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Be kind. You don't know who is on a secret mission to save your ass from total destruction
July 23, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Be kind. You don't know who is on a secret mission to save your ass from total destruction
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just like a chemistry lab you should always wear safety goggles around me and please familiarize yourself with the eyewash stations
July 23, 2025 at 8:51 PM
just like a chemistry lab you should always wear safety goggles around me and please familiarize yourself with the eyewash stations
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Named my daughters Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. My son is called Herb.
July 19, 2025 at 3:09 PM
Named my daughters Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. My son is called Herb.
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Assert dominance at your morning meeting by insisting that everyone sing "Happy Birthday to You" for what would have been Don Knotts' 101st birthday
July 21, 2025 at 12:43 PM
Assert dominance at your morning meeting by insisting that everyone sing "Happy Birthday to You" for what would have been Don Knotts' 101st birthday
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Most people don't realize just how dark the study of statistical mechanics actually is...
July 21, 2025 at 8:33 PM
Most people don't realize just how dark the study of statistical mechanics actually is...
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On July 21, 2007, Death Proof debuted in New York City. Here's some Kurt Russell art!
July 21, 2025 at 8:44 PM
On July 21, 2007, Death Proof debuted in New York City. Here's some Kurt Russell art!
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"Girl, you're a mess."
July 22, 2025 at 2:51 PM
"Girl, you're a mess."
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Summer is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before summer
July 14, 2025 at 5:17 PM
Summer is an excellent reminder that I was supposed to get in shape before summer
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Platonically watching you sleep
July 21, 2025 at 1:17 AM
Platonically watching you sleep
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pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask
July 22, 2025 at 12:57 PM
pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask
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I read the dog a bedtime story. It was just the directions to adjust his new leash, but I can tell he enjoyed it.
July 21, 2025 at 9:59 PM
I read the dog a bedtime story. It was just the directions to adjust his new leash, but I can tell he enjoyed it.
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I'd be embarrassed just to be at a concert with a kiss cam
July 22, 2025 at 3:14 PM
I'd be embarrassed just to be at a concert with a kiss cam
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🎶You used to call me on my cell phone🎶
Thank god that's over.
Thank god that's over.
July 21, 2025 at 2:41 PM
🎶You used to call me on my cell phone🎶
Thank god that's over.
Thank god that's over.
July 21, 2025 at 2:49 PM
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I become someone I don’t recognize when I play checkers
July 21, 2025 at 12:41 PM
I become someone I don’t recognize when I play checkers
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[role-playing, after 25 yrs of marriage]
wife, a car salesperson: what do i have to do to get you into this vagina today?
hubby, prospective buyer: no thanks. im just looking.
*they both turn over & go to sleep. the end*
wife, a car salesperson: what do i have to do to get you into this vagina today?
hubby, prospective buyer: no thanks. im just looking.
*they both turn over & go to sleep. the end*
July 21, 2025 at 1:03 PM
[role-playing, after 25 yrs of marriage]
wife, a car salesperson: what do i have to do to get you into this vagina today?
hubby, prospective buyer: no thanks. im just looking.
*they both turn over & go to sleep. the end*
wife, a car salesperson: what do i have to do to get you into this vagina today?
hubby, prospective buyer: no thanks. im just looking.
*they both turn over & go to sleep. the end*
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lobotomize the patriarchy (they make much better doorstops than people)
July 21, 2025 at 7:14 AM
lobotomize the patriarchy (they make much better doorstops than people)
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Does it still count as a "Case of the Mondays" if I feel like this everyday?
July 21, 2025 at 1:55 PM
Does it still count as a "Case of the Mondays" if I feel like this everyday?