Official Joke Register
@jokeregister.bsky.social
Take a joke. Please.
Pinned
Q: What do you call the clothing worn by Michelin employees?
A: Attire
A: Attire
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How do I smuggle candy into the movie theater?
Let’s just say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
Let’s just say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
February 11, 2026 at 4:22 PM
How do I smuggle candy into the movie theater?
Let’s just say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
Let’s just say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.
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After an autopsy, the coroner flips the body over and performs an auturvy.
March 4, 2025 at 5:49 AM
After an autopsy, the coroner flips the body over and performs an auturvy.
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i'm in a very serious long term relationship with all my appliances
February 9, 2026 at 5:37 PM
i'm in a very serious long term relationship with all my appliances
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they're called hummingbirds because they don't know the words
February 3, 2026 at 8:25 PM
they're called hummingbirds because they don't know the words
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Presently watching a Bollywood musical about India's hereditary social hierarchy. The plot's a bit hokey but it has an excellent caste.
January 31, 2026 at 2:44 PM
Presently watching a Bollywood musical about India's hereditary social hierarchy. The plot's a bit hokey but it has an excellent caste.
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Waiter: and your ice sir?
Me: oh I’d like it crushed
*we high five
Me: oh I’d like it crushed
*we high five
January 16, 2026 at 12:33 PM
Waiter: and your ice sir?
Me: oh I’d like it crushed
*we high five
Me: oh I’d like it crushed
*we high five
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A dread so thick even jokes can’t crack it.
January 26, 2026 at 1:38 AM
A dread so thick even jokes can’t crack it.
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Thinking about commissioning a sculptor to sculpt a bust of me, but that would be getting a head of myself.
January 22, 2026 at 4:46 PM
Thinking about commissioning a sculptor to sculpt a bust of me, but that would be getting a head of myself.
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I’m one and done with French river cruises. Another cruise would just be more of the Seine.
January 15, 2026 at 11:49 PM
I’m one and done with French river cruises. Another cruise would just be more of the Seine.
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Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.
February 6, 2025 at 12:46 AM
Flat Earthers are the only people who become less of a problem when you push them too far.
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Speaking to a group of college professors is like talking to a bunch of tenure olds.
January 2, 2026 at 7:20 PM
Speaking to a group of college professors is like talking to a bunch of tenure olds.
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I accused the hospital of improperly amputating my ass cheeks, so they offered a rebuttal.
December 31, 2025 at 2:16 PM
I accused the hospital of improperly amputating my ass cheeks, so they offered a rebuttal.
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British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good https://theonion.com/british-teen-returning-from-semester-in-u-s-regales-friends-with-tale-of-food-that-tastes-good/
January 6, 2026 at 5:00 PM
British Teen Returning From Semester In U.S. Regales Friends With Tale Of Food That Tastes Good https://theonion.com/british-teen-returning-from-semester-in-u-s-regales-friends-with-tale-of-food-that-tastes-good/
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Just told a joke on a Zoom meeting and nobody laughed.
Apparently I’m not remotely funny.
Apparently I’m not remotely funny.
October 11, 2024 at 3:37 PM
Just told a joke on a Zoom meeting and nobody laughed.
Apparently I’m not remotely funny.
Apparently I’m not remotely funny.
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Upon death, mimes are seldom cremated. Usually, their bodies are donated to silence.
December 30, 2025 at 3:51 PM
Upon death, mimes are seldom cremated. Usually, their bodies are donated to silence.
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In the night skies of alternate earth exists a constellation of a man named Orion who is having a hard time keeping his pants up.
December 26, 2025 at 4:26 PM
In the night skies of alternate earth exists a constellation of a man named Orion who is having a hard time keeping his pants up.
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Today’s Daily Cartoon, by Jeremy Nguyen. #NewYorkerCartoons
December 25, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Today’s Daily Cartoon, by Jeremy Nguyen. #NewYorkerCartoons
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ME: have you seen my camouflage pants
WIFE: no
ME: damn they’re good
WIFE: no
ME: damn they’re good
December 23, 2025 at 7:22 PM
ME: have you seen my camouflage pants
WIFE: no
ME: damn they’re good
WIFE: no
ME: damn they’re good
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called an uber to go to the podiatrist, dude showed up in a toe truck
December 19, 2025 at 3:44 PM
called an uber to go to the podiatrist, dude showed up in a toe truck
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Please don't pick faults with my pets cos I don't take crittercism well
December 18, 2025 at 10:36 PM
Please don't pick faults with my pets cos I don't take crittercism well
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"I stayed at a revolting Motel, it was called the Fiddle. It was really a vile inn."
December 17, 2025 at 9:09 AM
"I stayed at a revolting Motel, it was called the Fiddle. It was really a vile inn."
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"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?"
"A flat minor."
"A flat minor."
December 13, 2025 at 8:33 AM
"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?"
"A flat minor."
"A flat minor."
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Today’s Daily Cartoon, by Brendan Loper. #NewYorkerCartoons
December 10, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Today’s Daily Cartoon, by Brendan Loper. #NewYorkerCartoons