The Onion
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The Onion
@theonion.com
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1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers | Encircled
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McDonald’s Brings Back Beloved Snack Rat https://theonion.com/mcdonalds-brings-back-beloved-snack-rat/
January 1, 2026 at 12:00 AM
McDonald’s Brings Back Beloved Snack Rat https://theonion.com/mcdonalds-brings-back-beloved-snack-rat/
Those who fail to wear history are condemned to repeat it. https://store.theonion.com/products/history-sighs-repeats-itself-onion-headline-t-shirt-1?variant=31521578647621
December 31, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Those who fail to wear history are condemned to repeat it. https://store.theonion.com/products/history-sighs-repeats-itself-onion-headline-t-shirt-1?variant=31521578647621
JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else https://theonion.com/jd-vance-cries-in-bathroom-after-trump-uses-piggy-nickname-on-someone-else/
December 31, 2025 at 11:00 PM
JD Vance Cries In Bathroom After Trump Uses ‘Piggy’ Nickname On Someone Else https://theonion.com/jd-vance-cries-in-bathroom-after-trump-uses-piggy-nickname-on-someone-else/
Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles’ https://theonion.com/trump-denies-writing-36-volume-comic-titled-don-and-jeff-time-pedophiles/
December 31, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles’ https://theonion.com/trump-denies-writing-36-volume-comic-titled-don-and-jeff-time-pedophiles/
White House Maid Shrieks After Spotting Melania On Ceiling https://theonion.com/white-house-maid-shrieks-after-spotting-melania-on-ceiling/
December 31, 2025 at 9:00 PM
White House Maid Shrieks After Spotting Melania On Ceiling https://theonion.com/white-house-maid-shrieks-after-spotting-melania-on-ceiling/
Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee https://theonion.com/cat-follows-man-through-apartment-like-racist-walgreens-employee/
December 31, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee https://theonion.com/cat-follows-man-through-apartment-like-racist-walgreens-employee/
Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check
December 31, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Trump Writes Netanyahu Strongly Worded Check
Disney Licenses Characters For Use On OpenAI Video Generator https://theonion.com/disney-licenses-characters-for-use-on-openai-video-generator/
December 31, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Disney Licenses Characters For Use On OpenAI Video Generator https://theonion.com/disney-licenses-characters-for-use-on-openai-video-generator/
Live from Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls for a Ladies' Night Out
December 31, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Live from Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls for a Ladies' Night Out
Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-cant-be-expected-to-remember-every-birthday-card-he-sends-to-child-molesters/
December 31, 2025 at 5:30 PM
Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-cant-be-expected-to-remember-every-birthday-card-he-sends-to-child-molesters/
Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer https://theonion.com/zohran-mamdani-refuses-to-share-plan-for-making-rich-richer/
December 31, 2025 at 4:45 PM
Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer https://theonion.com/zohran-mamdani-refuses-to-share-plan-for-making-rich-richer/
Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now https://theonion.com/childhood-best-friend-would-never-make-the-cut-now/
December 31, 2025 at 3:45 PM
Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now https://theonion.com/childhood-best-friend-would-never-make-the-cut-now/
Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses https://theonion.com/trump-appoints-self-to-divine-muses/
December 31, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses https://theonion.com/trump-appoints-self-to-divine-muses/
RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-warns-mistress-that-condoms-cause-autism/
December 31, 2025 at 1:45 AM
RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-warns-mistress-that-condoms-cause-autism/
White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/
December 31, 2025 at 1:00 AM
White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/
December 31, 2025 at 12:30 AM
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/
Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President https://theonion.com/trump-asks-jd-vance-to-research-whether-president-allowed-to-kill-vice-president/
December 31, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President https://theonion.com/trump-asks-jd-vance-to-research-whether-president-allowed-to-kill-vice-president/
Perform your civic duty to the U.S. economy and buy Onion apparel. https://store.theonion.com/products/global-tetrahedron-infinite-growth-forever-hoodie?variant=42183786725445
December 30, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Perform your civic duty to the U.S. economy and buy Onion apparel. https://store.theonion.com/products/global-tetrahedron-infinite-growth-forever-hoodie?variant=42183786725445
Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/
December 30, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/
Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now https://theonion.com/visit-from-jd-vance-last-thing-utah-needs-right-now/
December 30, 2025 at 10:30 PM
Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now https://theonion.com/visit-from-jd-vance-last-thing-utah-needs-right-now/
Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus https://theonion.com/witnesses-assumed-charlie-kirk-shooter-was-just-ordinary-gunman-on-school-campus/
December 30, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus https://theonion.com/witnesses-assumed-charlie-kirk-shooter-was-just-ordinary-gunman-on-school-campus/
George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French Citizenship
December 30, 2025 at 9:30 PM
George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French Citizenship
Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover Rijstevlaai https://theonion.com/bloated-nation-struggling-to-work-way-through-leftover-rijstevlaai/
December 30, 2025 at 8:45 PM
Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover Rijstevlaai https://theonion.com/bloated-nation-struggling-to-work-way-through-leftover-rijstevlaai/
RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid http://theonion.com/rfk-jr-mandates-all-americans-drink-mysterious-glowing-liquid/
December 30, 2025 at 8:00 PM
RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid http://theonion.com/rfk-jr-mandates-all-americans-drink-mysterious-glowing-liquid/
This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: To Cirrhosis With Love
To Cirrhosis With Love
theonion.com
December 30, 2025 at 7:30 PM
This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: To Cirrhosis With Love