The Onion
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The Onion
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Live from Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls for a Ladies' Night Out
December 31, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Live from Congress: Rep. Hardy Calls for a Ladies' Night Out
Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-cant-be-expected-to-remember-every-birthday-card-he-sends-to-child-molesters/
December 31, 2025 at 5:30 PM
Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-cant-be-expected-to-remember-every-birthday-card-he-sends-to-child-molesters/
Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer https://theonion.com/zohran-mamdani-refuses-to-share-plan-for-making-rich-richer/
December 31, 2025 at 4:45 PM
Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer https://theonion.com/zohran-mamdani-refuses-to-share-plan-for-making-rich-richer/
Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now https://theonion.com/childhood-best-friend-would-never-make-the-cut-now/
December 31, 2025 at 3:45 PM
Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now https://theonion.com/childhood-best-friend-would-never-make-the-cut-now/
Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses https://theonion.com/trump-appoints-self-to-divine-muses/
December 31, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses https://theonion.com/trump-appoints-self-to-divine-muses/
RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-warns-mistress-that-condoms-cause-autism/
December 31, 2025 at 1:45 AM
RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-warns-mistress-that-condoms-cause-autism/
White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/
December 31, 2025 at 1:00 AM
White House Doctor: Trump Has Far More Bones Than Any Prior President https://theonion.com/white-house-doctor-trump-has-far-more-bones-than-any-prior-president/
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/
December 31, 2025 at 12:30 AM
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis https://theonion.com/israel-agrees-to-go-back-to-killing-palestinians-on-less-frequent-basis/
Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President https://theonion.com/trump-asks-jd-vance-to-research-whether-president-allowed-to-kill-vice-president/
December 31, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Trump Asks JD Vance To Research Whether President Allowed To Kill Vice President https://theonion.com/trump-asks-jd-vance-to-research-whether-president-allowed-to-kill-vice-president/
Perform your civic duty to the U.S. economy and buy Onion apparel. https://store.theonion.com/products/global-tetrahedron-infinite-growth-forever-hoodie?variant=42183786725445
December 30, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Perform your civic duty to the U.S. economy and buy Onion apparel. https://store.theonion.com/products/global-tetrahedron-infinite-growth-forever-hoodie?variant=42183786725445
Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/
December 30, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/
Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now https://theonion.com/visit-from-jd-vance-last-thing-utah-needs-right-now/
December 30, 2025 at 10:30 PM
Visit From JD Vance Last Thing Utah Needs Right Now https://theonion.com/visit-from-jd-vance-last-thing-utah-needs-right-now/
Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus https://theonion.com/witnesses-assumed-charlie-kirk-shooter-was-just-ordinary-gunman-on-school-campus/
December 30, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus https://theonion.com/witnesses-assumed-charlie-kirk-shooter-was-just-ordinary-gunman-on-school-campus/
George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French Citizenship
December 30, 2025 at 9:30 PM
George Clooney, 1,000 Paparazzi Granted French Citizenship
Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover Rijstevlaai https://theonion.com/bloated-nation-struggling-to-work-way-through-leftover-rijstevlaai/
December 30, 2025 at 8:45 PM
Bloated Nation Struggling To Work Way Through Leftover Rijstevlaai https://theonion.com/bloated-nation-struggling-to-work-way-through-leftover-rijstevlaai/
RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid http://theonion.com/rfk-jr-mandates-all-americans-drink-mysterious-glowing-liquid/
December 30, 2025 at 8:00 PM
RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid http://theonion.com/rfk-jr-mandates-all-americans-drink-mysterious-glowing-liquid/
This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: To Cirrhosis With Love
To Cirrhosis With Love
theonion.com
December 30, 2025 at 7:30 PM
This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: To Cirrhosis With Love
Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above Head https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-as-trump-seen-with-damage-numbers-above-head/
December 30, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Health Speculations Swirl As Trump Seen With Damage Numbers Above Head https://theonion.com/health-speculations-swirl-as-trump-seen-with-damage-numbers-above-head/
Images Of National Parks Replaced With Trump’s Face On Annual Passes
https://theonion.com/images-of-national-parks-replaced-with-trumps-face-on-annual-passes/
https://theonion.com/images-of-national-parks-replaced-with-trumps-face-on-annual-passes/
December 30, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Images Of National Parks Replaced With Trump’s Face On Annual Passes
https://theonion.com/images-of-national-parks-replaced-with-trumps-face-on-annual-passes/
https://theonion.com/images-of-national-parks-replaced-with-trumps-face-on-annual-passes/
Gifted Youngster Sells Cookies To Buy Attack Ad
December 30, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Gifted Youngster Sells Cookies To Buy Attack Ad
U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel https://theonion.com/u-s-becomes-first-country-to-recognize-mega-israel/
December 30, 2025 at 5:15 PM
U.S. Becomes First Country To Recognize Mega-Israel https://theonion.com/u-s-becomes-first-country-to-recognize-mega-israel/
Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam https://theonion.com/trump-rushed-to-walter-reed-to-watch-breast-exam/
December 30, 2025 at 4:30 PM
Trump Rushed To Walter Reed To Watch Breast Exam https://theonion.com/trump-rushed-to-walter-reed-to-watch-breast-exam/
Bachelorette Party Bankrupts 4 Of Bride’s Fave Girlies https://theonion.com/bachelorette-party-bankrupts-4-of-brides-fave-girlies/
December 30, 2025 at 3:45 PM
Bachelorette Party Bankrupts 4 Of Bride’s Fave Girlies https://theonion.com/bachelorette-party-bankrupts-4-of-brides-fave-girlies/
Australia Admits All Those Animals Made Up https://theonion.com/australia-admits-all-those-animals-made-up/
December 30, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Australia Admits All Those Animals Made Up https://theonion.com/australia-admits-all-those-animals-made-up/
Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken https://theonion.com/something-forbidden-stirs-deep-within-trump-after-he-sees-political-cartoon-depicting-him-as-chicken/
December 30, 2025 at 2:30 AM
Something Forbidden Stirs Deep Within Trump After He Sees Political Cartoon Depicting Him As Chicken https://theonion.com/something-forbidden-stirs-deep-within-trump-after-he-sees-political-cartoon-depicting-him-as-chicken/