The Onion
@theonion.com
1.3M followers
3 following
4.4K posts
America’s Finest News Source. A @globaltetrahedron.bsky.social subsidiary.
Get the paper delivered to your door: membership.theonion.com
Posts
Media
Videos
Starter Packs
Pinned
The Onion
@theonion.com
· 21h
ICE Boasts Zero Murders Committed By 5-Year-Olds Since Child Detainments Began
WASHINGTON—Touting a new crime report as evidence their ramped-up operations were improving American life, Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials announced Friday that there had been zero murde...
theonion.com
The Onion
@theonion.com
· 23h
Travis Kelce Gets Cold Feet After Listening To New Taylor Swift Album
LEAWOOD, KS—Seeing his fiancée in a whole new light, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was reportedly getting cold feet Monday after listening to Taylor Swift’s The Life Of A Showgirl. “It’s k...
theonion.com
The Onion
@theonion.com
· 1d
Teammates Unnerved As Interpreter Begins Referring To Ohtani As ‘The Host’
LOS ANGELES—Describing the mood in the clubhouse as eerie and ominous, several members of the Los Angeles Dodgers told reporters Tuesday they have become increasingly unnerved since Shohei Ohtani’s in...
theonion.com
The Onion
@theonion.com
· 1d
U.S. Military Carries Out Strike On Scuffy The Tugboat
ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the Pentagon had acted swiftly on an insider tip about the vessel having a “big adventure” planned, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth confirmed Tuesday that the U.S. military had car...
theonion.com
The Onion
@theonion.com
· 1d
Israel Agrees To Go Back To Killing Palestinians On Less Frequent Basis
CAIRO—As part of a historic ceasefire agreement with Hamas following two years of war, the Israeli government reportedly agreed Thursday to go back to killing Palestinians on a less frequent basis. “I...
theonion.com
