i blame male loneliness on the invention of 12-ft skeletons. how are we supposed to compete with that

✅😂✨

😂😂

no I think you’ve got it 🤌

A haunted house where the teacher asks everyone to tell the class a little bit about themselves

your honor, the vibes are suffering

Sorry I was rude, I didn’t want to be invited again

Taking huge fistfuls of Tylenol while pregnant so I have someone to talk to about trains.

I shall just go back to putting shitposts in a bottle & hurling them out to sea.

had to quit my job so i could read emails from my kids' schools full time

Did I miss pumpkin spice rapture season?

"Gravy is the Mikado of the dinner table"

Feel free to use this at your next coterie of gastronomes

I bought the hair clips that look like crown 👑 if you wanna know the depths of my depravity

*notices you*

let’s all pray around the bride and groom and then two hours later get fucked up and grind all over each other

Sometimes when I get in the bath I’m like woah this is slippery Mac n cheese

Some posters have a stream of consciousness that’s a whole wavelength and I just wanna get on it.

My emotional support pickle just told me to stop eating my feelings

you can whisper kris kross to yourself as a pep talk during a presentation no one will care is a lesson I learned this week

but what do albatrosses have around their necks? (vivacious)

One great thing about having a chest wound is you can walk around with a real "what are ya gonna do to me, stab me in the chest?" attitude. I'm just here to remind you that one can have two chest wounds, so you may wanna say,"What are you gonna do to me, stab me in the chest TWICE?"

just because Jared Leto was trending

omg thank you so much 🫶✨✨