"what are you gonna be for halloween" a problem

💖✨

I don’t usually reach out like this, but please keep this very upset 6-year-old girl in your prayers. She’s in the surgery waiting room and her brother won’t stop copying her.

New game: Lie or nap. You're allowed either to tell a lie or take a nap

And implausible paradoxes to obsess over

The picture I saw in the picture doesn't look like the picture I ordered. You bet I complained! They told me the picture I have is indeed the picture in the picture. Words were exchanged, most of them were the word "picture". Then they told me I'm seeing things. I said duh, that how seeing works.

Dental X-rays? You mean tooth pics?

The generation that came of age during MMMBop now has a song coming out more suited it now called MMMPlop.

Sorry I could not let that grammatical error *lie lol

I simply cannot WAIT to go to bed tonight and lie awake worrying about shit I can't control

I’m reading a book on anti gravity. It’s impossible to put down

All day steady rain. Doesn't bug me but I hate forcing the dogs out to pee so they won't find somewhere inside.

But the "Father, why are you punishing me?" looks on their faces are priceless.

I will not hesitate to wash my whole car with the gas station squeegee.

Interviewer: So, do you have any questions for me?

Me: Yes, I do. What’s your policy on drinking at work? So, like, how “early” is “too early”?

Interviewer: ???

Me: I mean, how soon could I start?

Another duplicitous mother fucker, and some people wonder why I spend all my time alone.

i've lost the will for you to live

They only have four strings so they should be called ‘ivolins’.

Thanks for reading.

Dysfunctional families.... the gift that keeps on giving.

it’s antifa annual membership dues time

Please make your replies more sequitur.

Just throw me over your shoulder when I get like this

It’s funny bc it’s true

I have a full time job, it’s called depression