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Murderously Matt 🎃

@momentarilymatt.bsky.social

1.4K followers 430 following 1.2K posts

Gas station food aficionado, father. Possibly a donkey. Matts of Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:k276evh44gwsbdybxgtdothh/lists/3lb3c3birbg2

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Murderously Matt 🎃 @momentarilymatt.bsky.social · May 26

Me: Alexa, fix me.

Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.

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Reposted by Murderously Matt 🎃

gimme the spoo-K Special @gimmethekspecial.bsky.social · 4d

I can even fuck up breathing

*over here choking to death on my own saliva

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Murderously Matt 🎃 @momentarilymatt.bsky.social · 13h

If you follow me, I hope you're vaccinated

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karyl @paintedsky.ca · 1d

if i’ve ever reposted one of your jokes, just know there is an extremely high chance I said “FUCKING hell” before I did it

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Wilbur72 @wilboo72.bsky.social · 18h

Still have no idea how big pharma got drugs past the FDA that have ‘thoughts of suicide‘ as a potential side effect.

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m-m-m-mike☺︎!👻 @m1keonl1ne.bsky.social · 1d

Quitting pumpkin spice but can't fight the craving?

Get your fix with the new pumpkin patch!

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BooSlice👻🔪 @twosense.bsky.social · 19h

I will frost you and eat you!

-me to my problems

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Murderously Matt 🎃 @momentarilymatt.bsky.social · 3d

I feel like the elder god that is dreaming our reality needs a fluffier pillow or something

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Jen @brokemycoccyx.bsky.social · 1d

C is for cookie.. that’s good enough for me..

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Lock Wilford @lockwilford.com · 1d

I think I have enough for the day off

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Murderously Matt 🎃 @momentarilymatt.bsky.social · 1d

Right now, I just need a little bit (a lot) of mayo to get me through

Reposted by Murderously Matt 🎃

chris. @azedand2knots.bsky.social · 1d

The only reason to fill your face with fillers is to ensure you have mayonnaise for later.

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headless horseDan @etbeeegood.bsky.social · 2d

lost in a sea of unrecognizable Halloween avis but that’s ok

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headless horseDan @etbeeegood.bsky.social · 1d

a laundry soap mascot that’s a depressed worm

(worms love dirt so clean clothes make them sad)

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headless horseDan @etbeeegood.bsky.social · 1d

I can’t be around people named Stu, they get me hungry for soup too much

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Murderously Matt 🎃 @momentarilymatt.bsky.social · 1d

!!?:!* you said it

Reposted by Murderously Matt 🎃

Tits McDick @titsmcdick.bsky.social · 1d

fuck punctuation this isnt a class

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LadyDEADtera32 🍁😷🌈💀 @ladylettera32.bsky.social · 1d

Me, every time a super cool account follows me back: “oh shit oh fuck quick think of something witty and charming to say!“

My brain: *dial up modem noises followed by a dropped connection*