Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
Platinum 🏳️🌈. 👬. 🐈dad. St-stutterer. I once had a bee stuck in my ear.
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Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
· Nov 25
The fact that Mother Nature made a fruit shaped like a dick is bananas
Reposted by Billhelm
creating a pepper X sauce and dribbling it seductively across the plate
November 17, 2025 at 1:59 PM
creating a pepper X sauce and dribbling it seductively across the plate
Reposted by Billhelm
How do you get your foot into a tight designer shoe?
Lube it on
Lube it on
September 10, 2025 at 3:14 PM
How do you get your foot into a tight designer shoe?
Lube it on
Lube it on
Reposted by Billhelm
[spelling bee] your word is ineffectual
[me spelling my name over and over again]
[me spelling my name over and over again]
November 17, 2025 at 12:43 AM
[spelling bee] your word is ineffectual
[me spelling my name over and over again]
[me spelling my name over and over again]
Reposted by Billhelm
If you play theremin and skip learning Barbie Girl, what are you even doing with your life?
November 16, 2025 at 10:09 PM
If you play theremin and skip learning Barbie Girl, what are you even doing with your life?
Reposted by Billhelm
It was only embarrassingly recently that I realized the song Coconut wasn't describing a turducken type situation.
November 16, 2025 at 4:37 PM
It was only embarrassingly recently that I realized the song Coconut wasn't describing a turducken type situation.
Reposted by Billhelm
i left my phone in the kitchen for almost an hour and not once did I feel the urge to fetch it to post please clap
November 16, 2025 at 4:46 PM
i left my phone in the kitchen for almost an hour and not once did I feel the urge to fetch it to post please clap
You can break any iron clad contract fairly easily by simply putting it in water and waiting for it to rust away
November 16, 2025 at 3:26 PM
You can break any iron clad contract fairly easily by simply putting it in water and waiting for it to rust away
Reposted by Billhelm
friend: whatcha thinkin about
me: shouldn’t it be giving a dump instead of taking a dump
friend: I knew I shouldn’t have asked
me: shouldn’t it be giving a dump instead of taking a dump
friend: I knew I shouldn’t have asked
November 16, 2025 at 12:11 PM
friend: whatcha thinkin about
me: shouldn’t it be giving a dump instead of taking a dump
friend: I knew I shouldn’t have asked
me: shouldn’t it be giving a dump instead of taking a dump
friend: I knew I shouldn’t have asked
Reposted by Billhelm
stockpiling wishbones for political reasons
November 16, 2025 at 12:15 PM
stockpiling wishbones for political reasons
Reposted by Billhelm
bebé did the “stare too long at nothing in the corner” so we have to move now
November 16, 2025 at 1:13 PM
bebé did the “stare too long at nothing in the corner” so we have to move now
Reposted by Billhelm
Fact:
Spandex is an anagram for “expands.”
It’s also an emordnilap for “xednaps.”
Please make a note of it.
Spandex is an anagram for “expands.”
It’s also an emordnilap for “xednaps.”
Please make a note of it.
July 17, 2025 at 7:36 PM
Fact:
Spandex is an anagram for “expands.”
It’s also an emordnilap for “xednaps.”
Please make a note of it.
Spandex is an anagram for “expands.”
It’s also an emordnilap for “xednaps.”
Please make a note of it.
Reposted by Billhelm
I saw 3 turkey vultures on the running trail today. As I got closer, I saw their eyes glaze over like I was a spiral ham trussed up in spandex.
July 17, 2025 at 3:58 PM
I saw 3 turkey vultures on the running trail today. As I got closer, I saw their eyes glaze over like I was a spiral ham trussed up in spandex.
Reposted by Billhelm
And then the clerk said "Your wrinkles and grays are HIDEOUS!"
Actually she said nothing & took the payment for my wine without carding me
Actually she said nothing & took the payment for my wine without carding me
November 13, 2025 at 4:53 PM
And then the clerk said "Your wrinkles and grays are HIDEOUS!"
Actually she said nothing & took the payment for my wine without carding me
Actually she said nothing & took the payment for my wine without carding me
Reposted by Billhelm
Chuck E. Cheese was the doctor
Chuck E. Cheese’s was his monster
Chuck E. Cheese’s was his monster
November 15, 2025 at 5:44 PM
Chuck E. Cheese was the doctor
Chuck E. Cheese’s was his monster
Chuck E. Cheese’s was his monster
Reposted by Billhelm
who called em naval officers? i would've gone with "bellybutton cops*
November 15, 2025 at 2:04 AM
who called em naval officers? i would've gone with "bellybutton cops*
Reposted by Billhelm
a pb&j but with an extra bread in the middle like a big mac
November 15, 2025 at 8:15 PM
a pb&j but with an extra bread in the middle like a big mac
Reposted by Billhelm
THEM: looks like the cat's out of the bag
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
November 15, 2025 at 9:40 PM
THEM: looks like the cat's out of the bag
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
Spandexa would be a beautiful name for a girl. Spandexter for a boy.
November 15, 2025 at 9:43 PM
Spandexa would be a beautiful name for a girl. Spandexter for a boy.
Reposted by Billhelm
The government has determined the best way to lower our grocery bill is if you would stop being so dramatic about needing to eat every day.
November 15, 2025 at 3:01 PM
The government has determined the best way to lower our grocery bill is if you would stop being so dramatic about needing to eat every day.
Reposted by Billhelm
[at a bakery]
Me: One existential crisis, please
Baker: Okay, two croissants and a sigh.
Me: [pays in loose change and a haiku about toast]
Me: One existential crisis, please
Baker: Okay, two croissants and a sigh.
Me: [pays in loose change and a haiku about toast]
November 15, 2025 at 2:03 PM
[at a bakery]
Me: One existential crisis, please
Baker: Okay, two croissants and a sigh.
Me: [pays in loose change and a haiku about toast]
Me: One existential crisis, please
Baker: Okay, two croissants and a sigh.
Me: [pays in loose change and a haiku about toast]
Reposted by Billhelm
I'd eat less mcdonalds if other restaurants also had a ketchup tap for folks lookin to get wild with their soda
November 14, 2025 at 10:50 PM
I'd eat less mcdonalds if other restaurants also had a ketchup tap for folks lookin to get wild with their soda
Reposted by Billhelm
A Star Is Born (2018) is NOT about astronomy?????
November 14, 2025 at 8:40 PM
A Star Is Born (2018) is NOT about astronomy?????
Reposted by Billhelm
disappointed that moon pies aren’t made from real moon
November 14, 2025 at 8:53 PM
disappointed that moon pies aren’t made from real moon
Reposted by Billhelm
I said sally sells sea shells by the sea shore five times fast pls respond
November 14, 2025 at 7:36 PM
I said sally sells sea shells by the sea shore five times fast pls respond
Reposted by Billhelm
Your honor, permission to do the jerk-off motion
November 14, 2025 at 5:54 PM
Your honor, permission to do the jerk-off motion