I feel like we could make flowers 10% prettier and have the same amount of wonder but iono

“This is just a loop of the sound of 38 thousand glass bottles shattering simultaneously fed through a distortion pedal and the most gut wrenching, terrible scream I’ve ever heard” yeah you don’t normally feel like that?

It is always on at full volume and I’ve got bad news about how I feel most of the time

Might fuck around and keep a pair of headphones connected to an audio source where I can play music that represents my current mental state so I can tell people to check the headphones before they talk to me to make sure they really want to

It’s cool how the universe is an infinite expanse of awe inspiring wonder and yet it finds a way to hand me the most psychologically damaging outcome possible for at least one situation every single day

Rob! Rob, it’s Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Zombie!

One great thing about having a chest wound is you can walk around with a real "what are ya gonna do to me, stab me in the chest?" attitude. I'm just here to remind you that one can have two chest wounds, so you may wanna say,"What are you gonna do to me, stab me in the chest TWICE?"

me and my crab saw you from across the bucket and were hoping we could pull you down

(Buying a hot dog at the beach and releasing it into the ocean) Go on little one, you're free now

scientist: at long last, we have perfected the art of instant human duplication. what would you like to name your clone?

George Foreman: honestly, nothing comes to mind

Doctor Baby (age 3.5) has diagnosed his sister as “probably gonna die” but he has medicine for that (it’s cheese)

i think it's high time we let the ai have a cigarette

Roll for initiative? *sucks air through teeth* I think I'm just gonna let this guy brain me with a mace, actually

I'm watching the guy across the road using a leaf blower to blow his leaves into his neighbour's yard and friends, never stop learning

I can’t trust people who say that they have perfect children, they are lying right out of the gate. Have you met children?

you’re telling me a bell biv this devoe

Well they’re fucking wrong

The sports people are telling me brisketball can’t be a sport. They’re telling me no one wants to hit a big juicy roast with a bat into a net.

My friend said, "Did you sleep last night? You look tired, not like you look like dogshit but you just look like you didn't sleep well" and I appreciated the clarification

wife: I just need some space

astronaut: we're not allowed to take any home with us

I actually come from long line of dead people

Oh, your apple orchard does a hayride? That’s cool. We go to one that doesn’t have a name and features ancient trees planted deep in the woods by a Louisiana Purchase-era drunk. They have a series of progressively more depressing barn cats and an open barrel labeled “Cyder?” It’s not on Google

I don’t know about you guys but I’m pretty much living stuck boat event to stuck boat event these days

the federal agent assigned to my file has been bookmarking a lot of my posts this week is that good