when you have an appointment in the middle of the day and enter waiting mode

Accidentally ate the silica gel packet in this bag of dicks, plz advise.

idk, seems like a whole bag is way too many dicks

Life is the quicksand they warned us about as kids.

a thing in life can actually break you so profoundly that you grow up to be a person who writes jokes on the internet

All worth it in the end.

🫣

My cat thinks you have too many issues

what if we made out under the lights of an exploded spacex rocket

If you’re only following someone in hopes they follow you back to the extent that you get mad when they don’t— do what Tyger does and see yourself out

Burger King and Dairy Queen stretching out their hands to touch a final time as Hamburglar releases the guillotines, the peasantry roars

“You caught my eye," he says.

I look in my hand. "Oh shit, is THAT what this thing is?”

You are what you collect.

I am a lava lamp!

**whispers nachos in your ear during sex

bro did you even absorb the sunshine and azure sky directly into your soul today or no

🎞️ GREAT FILMS CAN
CHANGE YOUR LIFE
FOR THE BETTER!!!

Sipping a shot of DayQuil like it's a 30 year scotch

Can we please see the cat pics?

Picard: "Doctor Crusher, status report."

Doctor Crusher: "It's Wesley, Captain, he's down bad"

Picard: "Damnit Wes, I warned you not to use the anime cat girl holodeck program. Lieutenant LaForge, eject Wes from the holodeck"

LaForge: "Sir I think he's ejecting all on his own"

Data: "Gross"

oh goddamnit now i'm gonna stick out like a sore thumb! this camo was designed for the countryside.