Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet.
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
buffaloeggs.com is my gift to the world
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
buffaloeggs.com is my gift to the world
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Pinned
Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
· Nov 23
If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.
Reposted by Bob Heller
I've started going grocery shopping at 6 am when the store opens. There's no crowds. Just me and a bunch of old people... wait... omg IM AN OLD PEOPLE NOW
November 10, 2025 at 12:15 PM
I've started going grocery shopping at 6 am when the store opens. There's no crowds. Just me and a bunch of old people... wait... omg IM AN OLD PEOPLE NOW
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
November 11, 2025 at 2:56 AM
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Babies are so weak. You don't hear me crying every time I crap my pants
November 11, 2025 at 1:21 AM
Babies are so weak. You don't hear me crying every time I crap my pants
Put a slice of bologna on your alarm clock at night and then hit snooze in the morning and you can sleep with your cousin for 9 more minutes
November 11, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Put a slice of bologna on your alarm clock at night and then hit snooze in the morning and you can sleep with your cousin for 9 more minutes
Reposted by Bob Heller
ME: hey babe do you want to um (forgets the word sleep) temporary death with me
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
November 11, 2025 at 12:37 AM
ME: hey babe do you want to um (forgets the word sleep) temporary death with me
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
"No, Mr. Heller," said the judge, "Presenting exhibit D will NOT please the court. That is why you are here in the first place."
November 11, 2025 at 12:54 AM
"No, Mr. Heller," said the judge, "Presenting exhibit D will NOT please the court. That is why you are here in the first place."
Reposted by Bob Heller
Your honor, it wasn't my fault. I tried to stop at one beer but my buddies said "c'maahhhn"
November 10, 2025 at 7:43 PM
Your honor, it wasn't my fault. I tried to stop at one beer but my buddies said "c'maahhhn"
Me: Yeah yeah yeah, I know I have a chip on my shoulder.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
November 10, 2025 at 2:08 PM
Me: Yeah yeah yeah, I know I have a chip on my shoulder.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
Reposted by Bob Heller
absurd is short for absolute turd
November 10, 2025 at 5:33 AM
absurd is short for absolute turd
A single pubic hair was found at the crime scene... but it turned out to be merely merkinstantial evidence.
November 8, 2025 at 5:12 PM
A single pubic hair was found at the crime scene... but it turned out to be merely merkinstantial evidence.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Can anybody recommend a good tune for when I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head?
March 27, 2025 at 11:10 AM
Can anybody recommend a good tune for when I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head?
Reposted by Bob Heller
Thursday, 4:01pm
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
November 6, 2025 at 1:48 AM
Thursday, 4:01pm
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
Reposted by Bob Heller
I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.
November 3, 2025 at 12:19 AM
I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.
Word to your mother for being whore she is, er uh, WHO she is ❤️
November 1, 2025 at 1:28 PM
Word to your mother for being whore she is, er uh, WHO she is ❤️
Every year I give trick-or-treaters a scoop of creamed spinach and every year they are disappointed because they are fat pieces of shit.
October 31, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Every year I give trick-or-treaters a scoop of creamed spinach and every year they are disappointed because they are fat pieces of shit.
Reposted by Bob Heller
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
May 30, 2025 at 2:45 AM
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Reposted by Bob Heller
thinking about potato house this halloween
October 31, 2025 at 7:51 AM
thinking about potato house this halloween
Reposted by Bob Heller
[returning from time travel]
“ok it’s done. I killed baby hitler”
-wtf??? you killed a baby?!?!
“uhh yeah it was hitler… you know, the dude who started the holocaust”
-the what?
“ok it’s done. I killed baby hitler”
-wtf??? you killed a baby?!?!
“uhh yeah it was hitler… you know, the dude who started the holocaust”
-the what?
October 19, 2025 at 4:36 AM
[returning from time travel]
“ok it’s done. I killed baby hitler”
-wtf??? you killed a baby?!?!
“uhh yeah it was hitler… you know, the dude who started the holocaust”
-the what?
“ok it’s done. I killed baby hitler”
-wtf??? you killed a baby?!?!
“uhh yeah it was hitler… you know, the dude who started the holocaust”
-the what?
Reposted by Bob Heller
Maybe eating cookies really fast and letting the crumbs fall out of your mouth is normal and YOU... are the monster.
November 29, 2024 at 11:49 PM
Maybe eating cookies really fast and letting the crumbs fall out of your mouth is normal and YOU... are the monster.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Cookie Monster’s date: Can we talk about something else
October 28, 2025 at 3:21 AM
Cookie Monster’s date: Can we talk about something else
Don’t mind me just trying to adjust the algorithm for more general goblin
October 29, 2025 at 2:24 AM
Don’t mind me just trying to adjust the algorithm for more general goblin
Reposted by Bob Heller
They let you just draw a goblin
October 29, 2025 at 12:15 AM
They let you just draw a goblin
New plan: Go fuck yourself.
October 28, 2025 at 11:52 PM
New plan: Go fuck yourself.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just like really supportive
October 28, 2025 at 1:10 AM
Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just like really supportive
Reposted by Bob Heller
ME: Don't even talk to me until I've had my coffee.
HIM: Sir, I'm your barista.
ME: Just get me a coffee, you fucking hippy...
HIM: Sir, I'm your barista.
ME: Just get me a coffee, you fucking hippy...
December 4, 2024 at 1:09 PM
ME: Don't even talk to me until I've had my coffee.
HIM: Sir, I'm your barista.
ME: Just get me a coffee, you fucking hippy...
HIM: Sir, I'm your barista.
ME: Just get me a coffee, you fucking hippy...