It hit me the other day that my kids have different astrological signs than me (I don’t pay much attention to this even though it’s fascinating af).

My son is a middle Taurus, and my daughter began her descent as a Pisces but took her first breath as an Aries. My wife and I are middle Scorpios.

Gut-wrenching and insightful in the same sentence make me think that somebody’s punched me in the guts and then taken a good long look inside and been like “yep, his guts have a wrench in there”. Fuck I love Halloween so much.

I read Black Boy by Richard Wright (the African-American author, not the co-founder of Pink Floyd) when I was but a wee lad and it really changed so much of how I saw the world. I’m reading Native Son by him now and it’s just an absolutely incredible novel that’s gut-wrenching and insightful.

Professor: any questions?

Me: Does Mr. Clean cum Dawn dish soap?

Professor:

Me:

Professor:

Me: Because that would incentivize a lot of people to clean

Professor:

Me: although it might be copyright infringement

Professor:

Me: I know I’d clean more

Thank you kind sir!!

*At the pitch meeting for Spider-Man*

Boss: we can’t just have a guy shitting webs everywhere. How can we make this more kid-friendly??

Underling: hands are sort of like butts, right?

Boss: perfect!

The daily:

Muahaha muahahaha muahahahaha!!!
🎃 👻 🧟‍♂️

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I am the stabbiest.

i’ve never been shot so there’s a chance that i’m bulletproof

i just had a slice of white toast with butter and whoever the hell told me carbs and fat was bad for us I am coming for your children and your children's children

Sure getting shot sucks but have you ever been holding a baby and they sneakily spit up on you and you’re just sitting there reading to them and then you start to feel the spit up as it seeps into your clothes deeper and deeper

they should bring back mysterious internet strangers that I actually want to get to know

Elmo Titan attempting to breach Wall Maria (unfortunately copyright issues prevented this from happening in Attack on Titan)

America is great because they dedicated a whole day to a cloud. A cloud! Happy Columbulonimbus day! ☁️ ☁️ ☁️

Sometimes you’re the fish, and sometimes you’re the indomitable whirlpool, and sometimes you’re just a cloud looking down on it all

Me: peek-a-boo

Nurse: get him to the ICU

Me, bleeding out: hey that’s my line

when shitposters get married, a reply guy has to be the best man. i don't make the rules

Sometimes the voice in my head that reads words is a sentient snail with wings and horns that’s on hour 32 of an LSD-bender and is being hunted by an equally sentient and evil salt shaker that believes the snail murdered it’s non-existent parents. #blessed

Absolutely unless…unless it’s raining of course 🌧️ 😇

The king descends a golden elevator. Cameras flash as he steps up to the golden pulpit. He raises his hands and the flashes stop. All eyes look to him. “When the NFL sends their teams, they are not sending their best. They’re losers, bumbling oafs. It’s awful. And some, I assume, are good players.”

As for me, I don’t think I’m right. I once thought I was Wright but then didn’t have the insane and compulsive desire to defy the gods of physics and evolution. Oh well, that source of succor and sustenance.

The problem with social media is that *everybody* thinks they’re right and are “validated” by the likes and shares that are the currency of the moment while the Truth™ is locked in a cell and carefully filleted and handed out like scraps of bread in a famine by the Algorythym of Hate and Rage

Inviting the sun to Sunday dinner.