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America's doing what? The America? From Fievel? Well that doesn't sound right.
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
They should bring back those oversized TV remotes that get struck by lightning and send you into the TV where you learn important lessons about life.
November 30, 2025 at 5:18 AM
They should bring back those oversized TV remotes that get struck by lightning and send you into the TV where you learn important lessons about life.
My relationship with my cat is contextual. Sometimes I am his dad. Sometimes he is my boyfriend. Sometimes I'm Tommy Lee Jones and he's Harrison Ford and I don't care whether he killed his wife or not.
November 29, 2025 at 10:18 PM
My relationship with my cat is contextual. Sometimes I am his dad. Sometimes he is my boyfriend. Sometimes I'm Tommy Lee Jones and he's Harrison Ford and I don't care whether he killed his wife or not.
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
MY WIFE: [waking me in the night to strange noises] honey... what is that?
ME: [still upset about my birthday present] well it's probably not the blimp that I very specifically asked for...
ME: [still upset about my birthday present] well it's probably not the blimp that I very specifically asked for...
November 3, 2024 at 7:54 PM
MY WIFE: [waking me in the night to strange noises] honey... what is that?
ME: [still upset about my birthday present] well it's probably not the blimp that I very specifically asked for...
ME: [still upset about my birthday present] well it's probably not the blimp that I very specifically asked for...
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
rich dudes got freakier after butlers fell out of fashion, like say what you will about having domestic servants but clearly it was some sort of moderating force on old rich dudes having a fancy man follow you around saying shit like "oh dear sir, that wouldn't be very becoming"
November 29, 2025 at 6:43 AM
rich dudes got freakier after butlers fell out of fashion, like say what you will about having domestic servants but clearly it was some sort of moderating force on old rich dudes having a fancy man follow you around saying shit like "oh dear sir, that wouldn't be very becoming"
Why is being seen looking at your own reflection so humiliating? Do not perceive me perceiving myself! I am but a modest man simply checking his angles, let me be alone with my crumb of vanity.
November 27, 2025 at 4:19 PM
Why is being seen looking at your own reflection so humiliating? Do not perceive me perceiving myself! I am but a modest man simply checking his angles, let me be alone with my crumb of vanity.
Every shop now sells party games and they're all either called Animals! Have!! Butts!!! or SAY SOMETHING SICK YOU C**T
November 27, 2025 at 12:57 PM
Every shop now sells party games and they're all either called Animals! Have!! Butts!!! or SAY SOMETHING SICK YOU C**T
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
there comes a moment about five minutes after encountering a lost dog when you stop actively looking for a panicked owner and start to imagine a life with the dog. which makes the owner’s eventual appearance pretty bittersweet
November 27, 2025 at 3:10 AM
there comes a moment about five minutes after encountering a lost dog when you stop actively looking for a panicked owner and start to imagine a life with the dog. which makes the owner’s eventual appearance pretty bittersweet
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
Before Reagan you would ask somebody what they did for work and they would say something like my name is Papa Foolio and I roam from town to town fooling children with my big sack of tricks but now everybody just has computer jobs
November 27, 2025 at 4:36 AM
Before Reagan you would ask somebody what they did for work and they would say something like my name is Papa Foolio and I roam from town to town fooling children with my big sack of tricks but now everybody just has computer jobs
The Muppets Christmas Carol confirms the existence of Christ in the Muppets universe, meaning that some of them freaks were present at the crucifixion.
November 26, 2025 at 10:57 PM
The Muppets Christmas Carol confirms the existence of Christ in the Muppets universe, meaning that some of them freaks were present at the crucifixion.
Going to see a live orchestra for the first time tonight. Mostly excited for the merch stand, hoping to snag a tuxedo and maybe a harp.
November 26, 2025 at 6:17 PM
Going to see a live orchestra for the first time tonight. Mostly excited for the merch stand, hoping to snag a tuxedo and maybe a harp.
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
me: [at the theater, ringing a little bell for my butler, Chauncey, to bring me some popped corn]
bully: who's doing that
larger bully: hey that guy's got a fucking bell
me: [frantically ringing bell]
bully: who's doing that
larger bully: hey that guy's got a fucking bell
me: [frantically ringing bell]
October 29, 2024 at 3:52 AM
me: [at the theater, ringing a little bell for my butler, Chauncey, to bring me some popped corn]
bully: who's doing that
larger bully: hey that guy's got a fucking bell
me: [frantically ringing bell]
bully: who's doing that
larger bully: hey that guy's got a fucking bell
me: [frantically ringing bell]
In my teens I briefly flirted with bowler hat wearing, a flirtation that abruptly came to an end the day I also tried to eat an apple and got called a 'Magritte Dickhead' by a particularly cultured bully.
November 25, 2025 at 10:09 PM
In my teens I briefly flirted with bowler hat wearing, a flirtation that abruptly came to an end the day I also tried to eat an apple and got called a 'Magritte Dickhead' by a particularly cultured bully.
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
[whispering to turkey farmer] I hear each of your birds contains a wish
November 25, 2025 at 5:03 PM
[whispering to turkey farmer] I hear each of your birds contains a wish
hate it when products are "mystery flavour." That's raspberry. That's not a mystery. It's a common fruit. Make a lollipop that tastes like the brief glimmer of pity that flashed across her face the last time I saw her. That's what haunts me. That's a mystery.
November 25, 2025 at 4:27 PM
hate it when products are "mystery flavour." That's raspberry. That's not a mystery. It's a common fruit. Make a lollipop that tastes like the brief glimmer of pity that flashed across her face the last time I saw her. That's what haunts me. That's a mystery.
Currently part of my job is to "patrol" a large empty building and let me tell you there are few finer pleasures than wielding a big ol' torch and whistling a little tune to yourself in a space with good echoes.
November 25, 2025 at 9:06 AM
Currently part of my job is to "patrol" a large empty building and let me tell you there are few finer pleasures than wielding a big ol' torch and whistling a little tune to yourself in a space with good echoes.
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
(being interviewed by local media after a body is found in my neighborhood)
me: well pam i just hope to god it wasn't a dracula
Pam: according to our sources the body was shot several times
ME: it's not the 9th century anymore pam a dracula is more than capable of firing a gun
me: well pam i just hope to god it wasn't a dracula
Pam: according to our sources the body was shot several times
ME: it's not the 9th century anymore pam a dracula is more than capable of firing a gun
November 24, 2025 at 6:39 PM
(being interviewed by local media after a body is found in my neighborhood)
me: well pam i just hope to god it wasn't a dracula
Pam: according to our sources the body was shot several times
ME: it's not the 9th century anymore pam a dracula is more than capable of firing a gun
me: well pam i just hope to god it wasn't a dracula
Pam: according to our sources the body was shot several times
ME: it's not the 9th century anymore pam a dracula is more than capable of firing a gun
Bit weird that if you're into sewing embroidered patches onto your clothing your only real outlets are to become a boy scout or a member of an outlaw biker gang.
November 24, 2025 at 9:04 PM
Bit weird that if you're into sewing embroidered patches onto your clothing your only real outlets are to become a boy scout or a member of an outlaw biker gang.
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
Thinking about starting one of those accounts that posts photos of their pets with captions written from the pet's point of view. My gimmick would be that my pet is a japanese spider crab and the only thing it ever says is "I'm going to get you"
November 24, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Thinking about starting one of those accounts that posts photos of their pets with captions written from the pet's point of view. My gimmick would be that my pet is a japanese spider crab and the only thing it ever says is "I'm going to get you"
I don't care about a.i. and smart machines, but I never feel closer to technology than when a hoover hoovers too hard and starts making loud panicked hoovering noises.
November 24, 2025 at 4:03 PM
I don't care about a.i. and smart machines, but I never feel closer to technology than when a hoover hoovers too hard and starts making loud panicked hoovering noises.
Startled a pheasant on my run this morning, which is the first time I've ever found an undiscovered euphemism just out in the wild.
November 23, 2025 at 7:55 AM
Startled a pheasant on my run this morning, which is the first time I've ever found an undiscovered euphemism just out in the wild.
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
Let’s be honest: nothing Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin have done in the last 56 years justifies the tremendous cost of bringing them back from the moon. NASA should’ve spared the long-suffering taxpayer and left them up there
November 23, 2025 at 3:39 AM
Let’s be honest: nothing Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin have done in the last 56 years justifies the tremendous cost of bringing them back from the moon. NASA should’ve spared the long-suffering taxpayer and left them up there
Reposted by Steven (with a PH)
imagine walking down the beach and seeing jesus carrying some guy
November 22, 2025 at 1:04 AM
imagine walking down the beach and seeing jesus carrying some guy
They should make artificial dead houseplants, for when you don't want to be responsible for killing a real plant but you also don't want to give people the false impression that you can keep a plant alive.
November 22, 2025 at 12:44 PM
They should make artificial dead houseplants, for when you don't want to be responsible for killing a real plant but you also don't want to give people the false impression that you can keep a plant alive.
Said the phrase 'I'm over the moon!' to a Polish man and he was a little confused and asked what I meant so I explained and when I finished he just shook his head and said 'You're happy but you have no business in space.'
November 22, 2025 at 10:57 AM
Said the phrase 'I'm over the moon!' to a Polish man and he was a little confused and asked what I meant so I explained and when I finished he just shook his head and said 'You're happy but you have no business in space.'
Most hurtful way to be insulted is when somebody makes up a mean rhyme about your name. Not only is that the name that my own mother gave me, but you're desecrating it using the weapons of a poet!?
November 21, 2025 at 9:08 PM
Most hurtful way to be insulted is when somebody makes up a mean rhyme about your name. Not only is that the name that my own mother gave me, but you're desecrating it using the weapons of a poet!?