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Steven (with a PH)

@sjksalisbury.bsky.social

5.1K followers 730 following 940 posts

farce majeure

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · Mar 26

It's unforgivable that we let plaid shirts with ripped jeans become the default uniform of men when it used to be the most reliable way of identifying who's secretly a werewolf.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 8h

The RSPCA needs to take Gromit off Wallace. He's not a responsible owner. Dogs should not have access to contraptions.

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Reposted by Steven (with a PH)

Friz(ombie!) @frizfrizzle.bsky.social · 14h

STATLER; "This funeral is so boring, I'm jealous of the guy in the coffin! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
[Statler turns to the empty chair next to him and sheds one tear]

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 18h

CROWDED HOUSE: it's melodic pop about loving pretty girls. It's an aural cup of tea. It's your dog's favourite band...

RECORD EXEC: Sounds lovely. And for the album cover?

CROWDED HOUSE: we were thinking maybe some sort of terrifying jaggedy splinter ghoul.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 1d

This is an excellent idea. Maybe introduce a casual Friday to see if it boosts morale.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 1d

Wife just sincerely suggested that the reason one of our cats is less enamoured with me than her is that I dress too formally. It's a collared shirt, Lauren. I'm not subjecting the cat to quarterly reviews.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 2d

be the recently escaped convict from the asylum for the criminally insane you wish to see in the world.

Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 2d

I'm at a drive-in movie, which statistically means I'm the closest I've ever been to achieving my life-long dream of being murdered to death by a hook-handed killer.

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Reposted by Steven (with a PH)

Paul Haine @paulhaine.bsky.social · 3d

RIP Diane Keaton, I hope wherever you are now your forks are somewhat closer

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 3d

Humiliating when you accidentally cut yourself with a kitchen knife. Just the most basic of errors. What is this, your first day at knife school?

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 4d

[standing perfectly still waiting for the song to finish] ok now play something for those of us who haven't ever fallen in love with someone they shouldn't have fallen in love with.

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Reposted by Steven (with a PH)

Stellaween? @antlervel.vet · 4d

Just doesn’t sit right with me that pianos are classified as percussion instruments. I don’t know who to complain to about this but I’m telling you now I won’t have it

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Reposted by Steven (with a PH)

josh (oldfriend99) @oldfriend99.bsky.social · 5d

Franz kafka ruined waking up as a giant bug. now if you wake up as a bug it's automatically "kafkaesque"

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 5d

Genuinely I never feel more useful. I'm an ogre living in the age of men, I just want to grab stuff and occasionally roar.

Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 5d

Love it when short folk ask me to reach something for them from the high shelf in a supermarket. No problem. Not for me, one of God's very own big boys. Maybe while I'm up here you could grab me something from the bottom shelf down there. Doesn't matter what.

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Reposted by Steven (with a PH)

pixelatedboat aka “mr bluesky” @pixelatedboat.bsky.social · 5d

I find it baffling how little impact the existence of the Undertaker, a literal walking corpse, has had on science and religion

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 6d

Turns out that when Americans said "If it weren't for us you'd be speaking German now..." their objection was to learning a second language, not fascism.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 6d

Was just torn from a dream, in possession of a phrase and gripped with an irrepressible urgency that it must be recorded immediately before it becomes lost in the fog that separates wake and sleep. And that phrase? Hotel for samurai.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 7d

Sliced bread? Sure fella, that'll be the day.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 7d

Spent the whole day making bread from scratch. Hours of working with my hands to turn the abstract into the tangible, toil into sustenance, creation in its purest form. Just resulted in bread. Bit less good than normal bread. It's bullshit. Waste of time.

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Reposted by Steven (with a PH)

Bec Shaw @brocklesnitch.bsky.social · 7d

we used to have stable boys. And now we have unstable boys

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 7d

Slowing down so that my It Follows ghost can catch up because there's a bunch of teens loitering outside the shop and I don't want to have to walk past them by myself.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 8d

Their ability to determine the most inconvenient space to occupy at any given moment is truly astounding.

Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 8d

If you think how I treat my cat is terrible you're going to lose your shit at what I say to my horse when it walks into my bar.

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Steven (with a PH) @sjksalisbury.bsky.social · 8d

Love hiding from my cats and then revealing myself to them. Suprise, dickhead! I was here the whole time. Where are your superior senses and hunting instincts now, you dumb baby.

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Reposted by Steven (with a PH)

~daniel_barker~ @daniel-barker.bsky.social · 9d

Imagine you're at a writers' retreat with the lads and you're all showing off a draft after dinner and then your mate's girlfriend goes here is the novel Frankenstein which I just wrote

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