Shawn Carlow
@shawncarlow.bsky.social
Writer/Comedian/Producer
Author of People of the Titanic - Out right now from @HumoristBooks.bsky.social
www.ShawnCarlowWrites.com
Author of People of the Titanic - Out right now from @HumoristBooks.bsky.social
www.ShawnCarlowWrites.com
Pinned
Shawn Carlow
@shawncarlow.bsky.social
· Jul 20
Why is Arizona's state motto "God enriches" and not "Welcome to our Cactus-filled Oven"?
My doctor’s tongue depressor tasted like grape again. It can’t be sanitary to reuse popsicle sticks.
November 27, 2025 at 2:09 AM
My doctor’s tongue depressor tasted like grape again. It can’t be sanitary to reuse popsicle sticks.
Native Americans had a great respect for life and made use of the whole animal when they had to kill it for food. In related news, I've just captured an indoor spider.
November 26, 2025 at 4:08 PM
Native Americans had a great respect for life and made use of the whole animal when they had to kill it for food. In related news, I've just captured an indoor spider.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
give a man a fish, he eats for a day
teach a man to fish, if he is willing to take on high-interest loans in order to pay fish tuition
teach a man to fish, if he is willing to take on high-interest loans in order to pay fish tuition
November 25, 2025 at 9:38 PM
give a man a fish, he eats for a day
teach a man to fish, if he is willing to take on high-interest loans in order to pay fish tuition
teach a man to fish, if he is willing to take on high-interest loans in order to pay fish tuition
Got an excellent deal on razor wire at the Dangerous Fencing Supply Superstore. And my Christmas shopping is done.
November 25, 2025 at 7:40 PM
Got an excellent deal on razor wire at the Dangerous Fencing Supply Superstore. And my Christmas shopping is done.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
I only buy bread so I don’t have to suffer the ignominy of putting slabs of butter directly in my mouth
November 18, 2025 at 1:31 AM
I only buy bread so I don’t have to suffer the ignominy of putting slabs of butter directly in my mouth
In old Norway, a turducken was a turtle stuffed inside an eider duck stuffed inside a kraken.
November 25, 2025 at 2:19 AM
In old Norway, a turducken was a turtle stuffed inside an eider duck stuffed inside a kraken.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
They're printing the 2026 Bingo cards and people are running out of the factory screaming.
November 23, 2025 at 3:04 AM
They're printing the 2026 Bingo cards and people are running out of the factory screaming.
Prepping to deep fry a turkey next to a pile of oil-soaked rags and kindling. Hopefully, I won’t burn the house down again.
November 24, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Prepping to deep fry a turkey next to a pile of oil-soaked rags and kindling. Hopefully, I won’t burn the house down again.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
When you find yourself in bear country always carry a steak to throw at any hungry grizzlies that cross your path so they know how delicious you will be.
November 24, 2025 at 2:01 PM
When you find yourself in bear country always carry a steak to throw at any hungry grizzlies that cross your path so they know how delicious you will be.
Swinging into the holiday season by starting a Cash 4 Frankincense business with all of my magi friends.
November 24, 2025 at 3:59 PM
Swinging into the holiday season by starting a Cash 4 Frankincense business with all of my magi friends.
Getting ready to seat my MAGA relatives at the children’s table.
November 23, 2025 at 8:19 PM
Getting ready to seat my MAGA relatives at the children’s table.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
the “thanksgiving food is bad” discourse raises its ugly head every year, but the truth remains that thanksgiving food can be amazing as long as you know how to cook. the problem is we’re throwing a few million sunday drivers directly into a grand prix
I think this is unfair to turkey. turkey is good but hard to cook well because it is so damn big. turkey *parts* are great but lack the esthetic appeal of a centerpiece bird.
it is tired to the point of cliche to say if turkey was good, people would make it more than once a year. but it is understated that at least one American explodes every Thanksgiving in a brave attempt to make the main dish more palatable
November 23, 2025 at 7:44 PM
the “thanksgiving food is bad” discourse raises its ugly head every year, but the truth remains that thanksgiving food can be amazing as long as you know how to cook. the problem is we’re throwing a few million sunday drivers directly into a grand prix
Why does Alex James look like Moe Howard now? I can’t tell if he’s playing bass for Blur or The Stooges.
November 23, 2025 at 4:36 PM
Why does Alex James look like Moe Howard now? I can’t tell if he’s playing bass for Blur or The Stooges.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
oh sorry, can’t, the holidays are my busy time *continues to stare at the wall*
November 22, 2025 at 9:29 PM
oh sorry, can’t, the holidays are my busy time *continues to stare at the wall*
I just can’t believe people didn’t leave Pompeii when they knew Noah was building that volcano.
November 22, 2025 at 6:29 PM
I just can’t believe people didn’t leave Pompeii when they knew Noah was building that volcano.
Every night, RFK Jr. lays his head down on a pillow and the brain worms come out of his ears and dance.
November 22, 2025 at 6:20 AM
Every night, RFK Jr. lays his head down on a pillow and the brain worms come out of his ears and dance.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by. Anyway, I’m lost now. Send help.
November 22, 2025 at 2:58 AM
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by. Anyway, I’m lost now. Send help.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
Me: I have two birds inside of me.
Doc: Swallow one stone. That oughta do it.
Doc: Swallow one stone. That oughta do it.
December 4, 2024 at 10:39 AM
Me: I have two birds inside of me.
Doc: Swallow one stone. That oughta do it.
Doc: Swallow one stone. That oughta do it.
"Hey, Champ, remember how likeable we used to be?"
"That's right, kid. And then we started watching Fox News."
"That's right, kid. And then we started watching Fox News."
November 21, 2025 at 6:36 PM
"Hey, Champ, remember how likeable we used to be?"
"That's right, kid. And then we started watching Fox News."
"That's right, kid. And then we started watching Fox News."
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
The tooth pattern on the bucking saw in that Three Stooges episode taking place in medieval times was NOT period correct. Sorry to be so harsh – I needed to vent.
November 21, 2025 at 2:50 PM
The tooth pattern on the bucking saw in that Three Stooges episode taking place in medieval times was NOT period correct. Sorry to be so harsh – I needed to vent.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
Me, five minutes after leaving the house: I have made a terrible mistake and must return to my nest immediately.
November 21, 2025 at 5:06 PM
Me, five minutes after leaving the house: I have made a terrible mistake and must return to my nest immediately.
I stayed recently at an Incel hotel. Excellent turn-down service!
November 21, 2025 at 4:55 PM
I stayed recently at an Incel hotel. Excellent turn-down service!
Me and my crew have been pretty regularly outpizza-ing the Hut ever since we found that old set of pizza scrolls in a French cave.
November 20, 2025 at 6:23 PM
Me and my crew have been pretty regularly outpizza-ing the Hut ever since we found that old set of pizza scrolls in a French cave.
Tryptophan is just slow-acting chloroform. Not recommended for fast-paced kidnappings.
November 20, 2025 at 5:59 PM
Tryptophan is just slow-acting chloroform. Not recommended for fast-paced kidnappings.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
Physically removed from the science conference for saying peacocks are just flamboyant turkeys.
November 20, 2025 at 2:43 PM
Physically removed from the science conference for saying peacocks are just flamboyant turkeys.