Samantha Ruddy
@samlymatters.bsky.social
-Captain Ravioli
-Standup from Fallon, Colbert, and Baseball Mom on Amazon Prime
-Previously: Full Frontal with Sam Bee and Collegehumor
- Philly 🦅
-Standup from Fallon, Colbert, and Baseball Mom on Amazon Prime
-Previously: Full Frontal with Sam Bee and Collegehumor
- Philly 🦅
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
Mfer telling each family “I’ll be back again someday”
December 4, 2025 at 3:15 AM
Mfer telling each family “I’ll be back again someday”
1 attempt to get xanax
2 UTIs
7 co-pays for no reason
1 false alarm
0 trips to the dentist 🤨
2 UTIs
7 co-pays for no reason
1 false alarm
0 trips to the dentist 🤨
They should do MyChart Wrapped
December 3, 2025 at 10:56 PM
1 attempt to get xanax
2 UTIs
7 co-pays for no reason
1 false alarm
0 trips to the dentist 🤨
2 UTIs
7 co-pays for no reason
1 false alarm
0 trips to the dentist 🤨
Why do they even make this??
December 3, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Why do they even make this??
It’s the summer of 2009. You’re 17 and drinking in a finished basement financed by a subprime mortgage.Your friend’s parents are upstairs “but they don’t care.” You’re drinking blue liquor in a Gatorade bottle. Someone plays TikTok by Kesha. You’ve never heard it before. You black out. You come to:
December 3, 2025 at 5:26 PM
It’s the summer of 2009. You’re 17 and drinking in a finished basement financed by a subprime mortgage.Your friend’s parents are upstairs “but they don’t care.” You’re drinking blue liquor in a Gatorade bottle. Someone plays TikTok by Kesha. You’ve never heard it before. You black out. You come to:
Me when I get a prank call
December 2, 2025 at 9:03 PM
Me when I get a prank call
It’s crazy how much can change in ten years. If you told me in 2015 that the left would hate the New York Times now, I would’ve said “wait is that the one with the funny headlines?”
December 2, 2025 at 9:03 PM
It’s crazy how much can change in ten years. If you told me in 2015 that the left would hate the New York Times now, I would’ve said “wait is that the one with the funny headlines?”
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
slowly sucking in my gut while I pee so it looks like I'm deflating. all the other guys at the urinal trough hooting and hollering like I'm David Blaine. guy in the stall is trying to shit faster cuz he knows he's missing out on something but he's not sure what
December 2, 2025 at 2:01 AM
slowly sucking in my gut while I pee so it looks like I'm deflating. all the other guys at the urinal trough hooting and hollering like I'm David Blaine. guy in the stall is trying to shit faster cuz he knows he's missing out on something but he's not sure what
Flat earth dating site
December 1, 2025 at 6:38 PM
Flat earth dating site
[Reality TV confessional]
Person on reality TV: I think that Lana is a psychopathic narcissist. She ruined my marriage, sabotaged my business, and called my Pomeranian a ho.
Lana: I think my biggest problem is that I bottle it all up.
Person on reality TV: I think that Lana is a psychopathic narcissist. She ruined my marriage, sabotaged my business, and called my Pomeranian a ho.
Lana: I think my biggest problem is that I bottle it all up.
November 30, 2025 at 4:34 PM
[Reality TV confessional]
Person on reality TV: I think that Lana is a psychopathic narcissist. She ruined my marriage, sabotaged my business, and called my Pomeranian a ho.
Lana: I think my biggest problem is that I bottle it all up.
Person on reality TV: I think that Lana is a psychopathic narcissist. She ruined my marriage, sabotaged my business, and called my Pomeranian a ho.
Lana: I think my biggest problem is that I bottle it all up.
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
Nancy By Ernie Bushmiller
January 22,1974
January 22,1974
November 29, 2025 at 2:50 AM
Nancy By Ernie Bushmiller
January 22,1974
January 22,1974
I am not built for the streaming era. I miss when shows had a date and time and when that passed, it passed. Your friend asked if you saw the sopranos finale and you were like “nope I fuhgotaboutit.”
November 30, 2025 at 2:50 AM
I am not built for the streaming era. I miss when shows had a date and time and when that passed, it passed. Your friend asked if you saw the sopranos finale and you were like “nope I fuhgotaboutit.”
Parents all know what a cousin walk is now, so I recommend telling them you need to step out for a garage bong rip.
November 28, 2025 at 4:33 AM
Parents all know what a cousin walk is now, so I recommend telling them you need to step out for a garage bong rip.
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
Audience culture is the worst it's ever been, I swear to god. People forgot how to act. I'm at the theater, trying to enjoy my show, which I've paid GOOD MONEY for, and these two old assholes are in the balcony heckling the life out of the poor bear onstage. Not letting him finish a single joke.
November 26, 2025 at 10:05 PM
Audience culture is the worst it's ever been, I swear to god. People forgot how to act. I'm at the theater, trying to enjoy my show, which I've paid GOOD MONEY for, and these two old assholes are in the balcony heckling the life out of the poor bear onstage. Not letting him finish a single joke.
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
extremely Medieval King coded in a way i cannot help but respect
he believes what now
November 26, 2025 at 4:16 AM
extremely Medieval King coded in a way i cannot help but respect
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
Is this cheese grater conscious? Many users feel they're talking to a real person. Scientists say it's time to consider whether they're onto something.
November 25, 2025 at 8:21 PM
Is this cheese grater conscious? Many users feel they're talking to a real person. Scientists say it's time to consider whether they're onto something.
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
eric swalwell said on msnow that a major goal of a dem majority after the midterms would be for ice masks to come off and badges to come out, this is insufficient
November 24, 2025 at 1:32 AM
eric swalwell said on msnow that a major goal of a dem majority after the midterms would be for ice masks to come off and badges to come out, this is insufficient
It’s almost like showing white collar criminals that there’s no consequences for white collar crimes results in…more white collar crime.
A New Jersey fraudster who was pardoned by President Trump in 2021 was sentenced to 37 years in prison this month for running a $44 million Ponzi scheme, one of a growing number of people granted clemency by Trump only to be charged with new crimes.
A Fraudster Pardoned by Trump Gets 37 Years for Running Ponzi Scheme
A New Jersey man convicted of defrauding investors of roughly a quarter-billion dollars is among a growing number of people granted clemency only to to be charged with new crimes.
nyti.ms
November 21, 2025 at 4:12 PM
It’s almost like showing white collar criminals that there’s no consequences for white collar crimes results in…more white collar crime.
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
November 21, 2025 at 1:55 AM
park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
I love being in fashion subreddits. Every five years they sacrifice a chain store and glorify a different one. MADEWELL? More like made badly since new CEO. To the trash! Abercrombie? Actually a lot of nice stuff now™️
November 21, 2025 at 12:11 AM
I love being in fashion subreddits. Every five years they sacrifice a chain store and glorify a different one. MADEWELL? More like made badly since new CEO. To the trash! Abercrombie? Actually a lot of nice stuff now™️
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
Also my book is on sale for 54% off right now, which is nice. Spend all that money you’re saving on Fetterman’s crap and buy my better crap twice.
a.co/d/2ENJpEY
a.co/d/2ENJpEY
Amazon.com: Good Game, No Rematch: A Life Made of Video Games: 9781335012692: Drucker, Mike: Books
Amazon.com: Good Game, No Rematch: A Life Made of Video Games: 9781335012692: Drucker, Mike: Books
a.co
November 20, 2025 at 7:06 PM
Also my book is on sale for 54% off right now, which is nice. Spend all that money you’re saving on Fetterman’s crap and buy my better crap twice.
a.co/d/2ENJpEY
a.co/d/2ENJpEY
I tried to use a thunderstorm white noise machine to sleep, but it pissed my dog off so much. He was like “why don’t you just get a fireworks one??”
November 20, 2025 at 1:20 PM
I tried to use a thunderstorm white noise machine to sleep, but it pissed my dog off so much. He was like “why don’t you just get a fireworks one??”
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
The greatest trick the devil ever played was the one where he pretended to pull off his thumb but it was really just his other thumb.
November 19, 2025 at 4:45 PM
The greatest trick the devil ever played was the one where he pretended to pull off his thumb but it was really just his other thumb.
Reposted by Samantha Ruddy
when I was a kid my dad could have kicked my ass because he was an adult. now I could kick my dad’s ass because he’s old. but there was one day between then and now when we were exactly evenly matched. the father/son convergence
November 19, 2025 at 4:20 AM
when I was a kid my dad could have kicked my ass because he was an adult. now I could kick my dad’s ass because he’s old. but there was one day between then and now when we were exactly evenly matched. the father/son convergence
The Louvre is committing to eco justice by using short, reusable passwords
Art museums have the highest average energy consumption of all cultural institutions in the US.
To make change, first you measure. Read the newly released @PST_ART climate impact report featuring the largest data set on the climate impact of exhibitions: gty.art/climate-report
To make change, first you measure. Read the newly released @PST_ART climate impact report featuring the largest data set on the climate impact of exhibitions: gty.art/climate-report
November 18, 2025 at 4:52 PM
The Louvre is committing to eco justice by using short, reusable passwords