My ears are ringing (but I’m not taking calls)

And suddenly ….the bar is full of baseball experts.

My LA news channel cut Trump’s speech for a live shot of dolphins AND it’s a great day for hostages!!!

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a cat

asking her to stop screaming at me while I shower

we sobern't

Played Milliner in public today

Like a panda, I too am big, clumsy and defy all logic in my continued survival... 🐼😊😊

I GOT YOUR UNDERGROUND FIRE RIGHT HERE BUDDY.

This version of the Palisades fire sounds a little sus.

My router glowing the same LED both green and orange at the same time is gaslighting.

crunchy gotta b one of the best flavors

Bondi was supposed to appear before the Judiciary Committee tomorrow (Tuesday) to answer about Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell.

But Mike Johnson has conveniently kept the House in recess another week to ensure her appearance would be postponed.

The govt isn't the only thing they are shutting down.

Friend: I found your doppelganger

*shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

[high school graduation]

SON: why are you crying?

ME: *thinking about how proud I am and how much I'm going to miss him and how life goes too fast* because your mom made me wear dress shoes

Just found some shwag-ass weed i left in my parents old house 20 years ago. Nice of them to save it. I'll let you know how it goes.

being awoken by geese is like a gaggle of clowns honking outside my bedroom window, signifying the beginning of life’s daily horrors but it’s ok

Wait. If there’s a Gov shutdown shouldn’t there be NO ICE??

It's ergonomic twister so I'll support your back if you want to rest your foot flat on my face

It was something only the air would know and it told you, it was dirty and gross and about plants but maybe now the long kite strings of TMZ will let you fly

College roommate showed up with the perfect gift.

Why stop at company mergers? Billionaires could merge too. Instead of three guys, there could be just a BeZuckerMusk

This Halloween I'm dressing up as the *gestures wildly to the whole world*

In a bar, surrounded by all kinds of fans. None of which are the type that cools the air.

When I impulsively purchased 300 scones from the corner bakery this morning I had no idea it would be my destiny to arrange them in an unsettling cairn atop the office copy machine, but such are the mysteries that spring unbidden from the ineffable scone.

a death march but like whimsical