👀 Is this the table company show?

Cop: So u have any idea how fast you were driving?

Me: It's hot. Ice. Cream

Cop: Ma'am

Me: Tyra's favorite cold

Cop, drawing his service weapon: Ma'am step out of the car

Me, sitting perfectly still: Tyra's favorite HOT

Cop: Ma'am I will shoot

Me: It's something that has not been done before

Husband is jamming The Downward Spiral in the kitchen and somehow I still remember every single overwrought lyric that 14 yr old Emily thought perfectly described her existence

Your cat’s named Adonis. You’re obviously swimming in gold

This dystopia doesn’t have to be so tedious

all time best version of this meme

Reminds me of when some Barstool guys were brigading someone at the old place and tagged Portnoy in the replies asking “Prez, what’s our play here?”

Since I put the vpn on my phone, most of my podcast ads are in Dutch and they’re hilarious

This is how I find out. May he eternally rest in piss

My mother put one on her mx3 to cover the damage after my sister accidentally drove it into the back of the garage

I hope you were tethered together. Never know when you might fall in a cave

That was my pick too. It squeezes you into a ball before even getting started

I think The Descent does it like nothing else. Perfect excruciating tension building and even when it eventually goes off the rails, it has one more trick up its sleeve

Many are saying it

Might want to take a second gander at the name

She is incomparable

I tried to take video of it this morning but she did this instead

One time I looked out the window of the thrift store I worked at and saw a beautiful woman hopping down the street on one leg. A second later she burst in the front door and it was Diane Keaton with a broken high heel in her hand. You’ve never seen someone get served by half the staff faster

my friend just shared this with me

“A truth perfectionist”???? This is a terrifying critique to have. If you don’t think the truth is important, then we’ve already lost

"He even went for a carvery on the third day, before finishing the bag for dessert.

The next day - Monday - the HGV driver was sweating profusely and "did not feel right", but put it down to the pork he ate."

I love him, just the most diabolical himbo energy.

They continue to eviscerate the public health machinery that has quietly kept Americans, and others around the world, safe and healthy for decades.

She wants to live. Even with how hard of a struggle it’s been this year and how tough breathing can be, she wants to live. Inspiring.

I wasn’t sure if it was wishful thinking the last time it happened but tonight was undeniable. By the sheer power of treats, praise, and her tiny brain, this little dog has figured out the inhaler. She leans into it, does a little breath, and then pulls away.

I am weeping over my little genius.