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[Big Scream]

@turdfartlet.bsky.social

550 followers 81 following 2.5K posts

Please be nice to me

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · Aug 17

Her: What's your dream date?
Me: You chase me around with a broom then cover me with delicious garbage.
Her: What?
Me: Uhhhh
Raccoon wingman in my ear: C'mon buddy you're losing her!!

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 9h

Friend: What did you do last weekend?
Me: I saw corn
Friend: Oh cool I used to love their music!
Me: *remembering eternity wandering the fields* Yeah haha, music

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 12h

Me: I'm collecting paychecks handjobs over fisting
Porn Director: You're just here to clean the floor

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slate @pleasebegneiss.bsky.social · 18h

this headline would make a 15th century priest do the bulging eyes seizure from total recall

The Guardian headline that reads “nature’s labyrinth: why are gen z unboxing conkers?”

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Planes are just human to-go boxes

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weeder @weeder.bsky.social · 1d

Is this a pigeon meme, guy is gesturing to a butterfly captioned "never ending parade of tasks" and is saying "is this a life?"

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 1d

Date: I think the wine went to my head
Me: *smugly* No, it went to your stomach

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 2d

Miracle Whip used to be called Cool Whip before he found Jesus.

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ThinlyVeiledPanda @thinlyveiledpanda.bsky.social · 3d

I’m reading a book on anti gravity. It’s impossible to put down

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Bruising is just your blood getting all riled up

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Every time Mario dies from your mistakes he goes to hell.

Reposted by [Big Scream]

Jerry Chen @jcsalterego.bsky.social · 4d

(forgetting the word for antibiotics) do i need cancel culture

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BAJA BLAST BLAINE @shrekromancer.gay · 3d

therapist: so, tell me a bit about what brings you here

me:

heading on the Wikipedia page about the Plagues of Egypt, titled "list of the disasters"

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 3d

Bartender: I'm not giving you another shot until you've had some water
Horse: You try giving me water and I'll kick off your fucken head

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

You're laughing?
The Predator is hunting me for sport in the jungle and you're laughing?

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

Anteater athletes get tested for Performance Enhancing Bugs.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 4d

*grunts and my homunculus falls out*

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Django Wexler @djangowexler.bsky.social · 5d

My boss: so how's our fourth quarter looking?

Me, the sales manager at the company that makes inflatable frog suits: well, you're never going to believe this, but

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Xavier Horatio Xinicit 🎉 @xinicit.bsky.social · 5d

Me: I like to think I thread the needle between catharsis and catatonic.

Her: Last night you wore a loin cloth to the dump and lost a fight with a rusted out Dodge minivan.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 5d

Don't threaten me with a good time.
Please only threaten with bad times.

Reposted by [Big Scream]

☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️ @captantagonist.bsky.social · 5d

My old flame contacted me to tell me she followed her burning passion and became an arsonist.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 6d

Her: Come here often?
Me: Not since they bought black lights, no.

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 6d

Kicked out of the casino after ruining 3 pairs of pants by playing my version of craps.

[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 6d

"How endeering!" I laugh, antlers ripping through my scalp, my fingers sloughing away revealing the hard black hooves beneath.

Reposted by [Big Scream]

FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF @sofarrsogud.bsky.social · 6d

[having 'the talk' with my teenage son] don't EVER call me bro

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[Big Scream] @turdfartlet.bsky.social · 6d

Me: *counting my chickens before they hatch* Hehe I'm definitely gonna have so many chickens!