cop, lying: Me and my friends, who are troops, will delete Candy Crush if Zohrani 'Hussein' Mamdani is mayor of New York City. We are the most active users on the platform and this could affect the stock market

Bari Weiss: Chilling. And not the cool weed kind of chilling. This week on 60 Minutes

Hot off the presses! If you need a bigger size to print your stickers let me know!

The Coca-Cola Freestyle machine is an echo chamber. Good luck finding nuanced debates about hot button issues on that touch screen. It’s just soda names and flavored syrups

Make those first three sentences all lower-case and you have a perfect dril tweet.

ratio me. please. its a badge of honor

Me: D&D stuff isn’t real, clerics don’t actually have powers that come from their gods

Catholic priests in Chicago: We used “Turn Undead” and the ICE ghouls couldn’t come near us

Probably the actual advice that most young men need is that no one finds self pity appealing.

Every time someone makes me read something Peter Thiel said it’s like “Scrooge McDuck is Jesus Christ and Huey, Dewey, and Louie are Gabriel, Raphael, and Uriel and Daisy is Mary Magdalene and that’s why women voting has lowered American sperm count.”

If you’re in the market for a therapist try asking them if they’d be okay with a Bravo crew sittin’ in on a sesh and if they say yes, keep looking

Diane Keaton in her Manhattan apartment with Buster, an Abyssinian, photographed by Jill Krementz in 1977

Salvation Army seen feeding ICE today. For anyone who doesn't already know about their bigotry, here is more, No need to give them your money this Christmas, or ever.

💯💯💯💯💯💯

the ending of THE GODFATHER, the best american movie ever made, doesn't work without diane keaton's final look --- at the realization of who she's married and what her life is going to become and what corruption lurks behind closed doors. unforgettable, inimitable work. RIP.

Jenny Nicholson tweet continues to not miss

once again, I want to have the dems they've invented

The extra F is for FYOFF

damn. hoping it at least signifies something

there’s this weird idea a lot of people seem to have about how all of us writers and artists must secretly want to use AI and are merely resisting temptation for ethical reasons, and like, no, it’s not hard for me to resist drinking the bowl of Piss With Glass In It actually

Donald trump can still win the Nobel Peace prize if Mike Pence has the courage

I've noticed the opposing team's fans only cheer when the opponents score on us. To win those fans over, I recommend we score on ourselves repeatedly; that will surely make them so happy they'll start supporting us. And I'm sure all our fans will keep cheering for us—who else is there to cheer for?

Does Ari Shapiro just get his interview questions from ChatGPT? Is he like “wow this is so much better than when I had to use Ask Jeeves”

Really hope he doesn’t become a Clicker.

driving through the suburbs slowly with shades on, thoroughly checking out every man to make sure he's as heterosexual as i am

Like remember when he used to fire off dozens of tweets about Robert Pattinson's love life? Ah yes, THAT was when he had all his marbles