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Billhelm

@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social

2.2K followers 760 following 990 posts

Platinum 🏳️‍🌈. 👬. 🐈dad. St-stutterer. I once had a bee stuck in my ear. Newest: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ibib6zmsccimdaxgb2vxefjw/feed/aaaiic6oiigjs Tops: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ibib6zmsccimdaxgb2vxefjw/feed/aaaiigc5sscqw

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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · Nov 25

The fact that Mother Nature made a fruit shaped like a dick is bananas

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Stace Fiction @girlawhirl.bsky.social · 8h

I’m going to start doing housework like men do yard work. I’ll run the vacuum over everything, bag & trash it; then blow everything else into a corner & wait for it to magically disappear.

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lisabug @lisabug.bsky.social · Feb 2

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

"Can you drop me off at the corner? I can’t afford this!"

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lisabug @lisabug.bsky.social · Aug 12

I want a drug that makes me feel like a warm sweater from the dryer.

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phil mccrevice @jewkrainian.bsky.social · 10h

you ever just walk between the pantry and fridge over and over again like a zombie hoping that somehow the exact thing you want to eat will show up?

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Scare Blair @blairloudly.bsky.social · 9h

in what level of hell do you find in person group meetings

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Los 🥑 @los-los.bsky.social · 10h

Spelling Bee Judge: oxymoron

me: can you use it in a sentence

sbj: happily married is an oxymoron

me: i meant a spoken sentence not a criminal sentence

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[Sic] Burns @sicburns2.bsky.social · 15h

Aw dammit my AI girlfriend just left me for mastodon — who’s gonna misinterpret my affections now

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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · 15h

*Did* it get better? I whisper as I listen to an audiobook about the history of rope

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Los 🥑 @los-los.bsky.social · 1d

they’re a 10, but their personality is like listening to Americans narrate a soccer game

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phil mccrevice @jewkrainian.bsky.social · 1d

may have successfully hacked my 2 year old by telling her “last bite” every time i give her a spoonful. so far it’s been 10 last bites

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BAJA BLAST BLAINE @shrekromancer.gay · 1d

optometrist (using the lens machine thing): which one looks better, 1 or 2?

me, about to ask them to switch back and forth for the 3rd time: is the sweet release of oblivion an option

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Scare Blair @blairloudly.bsky.social · 23h

okay my boobs got a job [minimum wage] what other body part can i put to work

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Scare Blair @blairloudly.bsky.social · 22h

global warming is just earths fever as it fights off a sickness

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grilled cheese 🧀 @grilldcheese.bsky.social · 16h

let's just all be pen pals and mail each other shitposts

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grilled cheese 🧀 @grilldcheese.bsky.social · 15h

black hole sun is a song about a bleached butthole

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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · 15h

The only verse approved for my headstone

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grilled cheese 🧀 @grilldcheese.bsky.social · 1d

bart simpson and ruth's chris arguing about whether or not to have a cow

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Scare Blair @blairloudly.bsky.social · 1d

are you latin because you are joaquin all over my heart

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zeke @zekejw.bsky.social · 1d

I just saw a squirrel frolicking in circles around a goose and realized the internet is a pointless waste of time.

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Billhelm @kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · 1d

I don’t get cute, i just drop dead

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zeke @zekejw.bsky.social · 1d

Penis! At the Dickso

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Wristy @wristroom.bsky.social · 1d

Now that i'm 46, i understand why pirates kept parrots. It's to help them remember words.

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Stace Fiction @girlawhirl.bsky.social · 1d

“Get off my yAARRGGGHHH”, shouted the aging pirate.

𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 💀 @unfitz.bsky.social · 1d

“Aarp” groaned the aging pirate.

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𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜 💀 @unfitz.bsky.social · 1d

“Aarp” groaned the aging pirate.

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lisabug @lisabug.bsky.social · 2d

“Pssst, it’s 2 AM, thought I’d let you know.” - Bladder

“Good, you’re awake! Let’s process petty shit right now.” - Brain

“I’ve missed you.” - Insomnia

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