Swim Jeans 👖
@shortsleevesuit.bsky.social
Pilot. Mancub. Liar. 🍸🤘
header by the great Marf Salvador
avi by @frovo.bsky.social
He/Him
👉: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bmvl67povgevf645aj6vfpje/feed/aaab5d3sxupgm
header by the great Marf Salvador
avi by @frovo.bsky.social
He/Him
👉: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bmvl67povgevf645aj6vfpje/feed/aaab5d3sxupgm
Pinned
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit
December 12, 2025 at 4:59 PM
Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
you’ve heard of posting good, now get ready for posting real fuckin bad
December 13, 2025 at 3:12 AM
you’ve heard of posting good, now get ready for posting real fuckin bad
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Sorry for the mean things I said when my phone updated
December 13, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Sorry for the mean things I said when my phone updated
HULK HOGAN THE POOH: oh brother
December 12, 2025 at 12:23 AM
HULK HOGAN THE POOH: oh brother
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
[folds menu gently and hands to server]
please may I have the applebee
please may I have the applebee
September 13, 2025 at 3:52 PM
[folds menu gently and hands to server]
please may I have the applebee
please may I have the applebee
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
My kid’s gonna teach me how to do Microsoft Excel so I can finally figure out who’s zoomin’ who
December 9, 2025 at 10:47 PM
My kid’s gonna teach me how to do Microsoft Excel so I can finally figure out who’s zoomin’ who
ME: oh cool I love deep purple
BULLY [twisting my nipples even harder]: how does this not hurt
BULLY [twisting my nipples even harder]: how does this not hurt
December 10, 2025 at 4:01 PM
ME: oh cool I love deep purple
BULLY [twisting my nipples even harder]: how does this not hurt
BULLY [twisting my nipples even harder]: how does this not hurt
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare
May 18, 2023 at 3:18 PM
Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare
Amazon’s sure got their finger on the holiday pulse
December 9, 2025 at 3:30 PM
Amazon’s sure got their finger on the holiday pulse
ME: I’m not really into horror scenes or melodramatic roles, I can’t cry on command and I definitely won’t do nudity
KFC RECRUITER: ok
KFC RECRUITER: ok
December 8, 2025 at 8:24 PM
ME: I’m not really into horror scenes or melodramatic roles, I can’t cry on command and I definitely won’t do nudity
KFC RECRUITER: ok
KFC RECRUITER: ok
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
if i knew how to do Spock's neck pinch i would likely only ever use it on myself
December 8, 2025 at 12:34 AM
if i knew how to do Spock's neck pinch i would likely only ever use it on myself
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
we are all beings of pure light just some of us that light is boring and sucks a little
December 7, 2025 at 2:03 AM
we are all beings of pure light just some of us that light is boring and sucks a little
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Pouring one out for the homies (dropping an excedrin under the fridge)
December 6, 2025 at 12:36 PM
Pouring one out for the homies (dropping an excedrin under the fridge)
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
[shopping for Christmas decorations] you have any of that long glitter
December 7, 2025 at 3:36 AM
[shopping for Christmas decorations] you have any of that long glitter
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
December 5, 2025 at 10:10 PM
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
November 28, 2025 at 6:39 PM
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Big deal, I know, like, six people who know everything
October 25, 2025 at 4:15 AM
Big deal, I know, like, six people who know everything
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad the boys are back in town
January 6, 2025 at 7:18 AM
Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad the boys are back in town
Guy in the oil change place waiting room has had his phone to his ear for over 20 minutes but hasn’t said a word like he dialed oneof those 1-900 numbers that plays recorded Christmas stories
December 4, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Guy in the oil change place waiting room has had his phone to his ear for over 20 minutes but hasn’t said a word like he dialed oneof those 1-900 numbers that plays recorded Christmas stories
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Didn't need spotify telling me I'm an ancient boring piece of shit today
December 4, 2025 at 2:51 AM
Didn't need spotify telling me I'm an ancient boring piece of shit today
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
“Rupert darling, it’s your mother. Are you decent?”
December 4, 2025 at 4:25 PM
“Rupert darling, it’s your mother. Are you decent?”
DOCTOR: can you show me where it hurts
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
December 1, 2025 at 11:47 PM
DOCTOR: can you show me where it hurts
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
ME: *punches him in the face and stomach*
DOCTOR: ouch you’re right about both
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake
November 30, 2025 at 4:29 AM
jumping out of a cake and finding yourself inside an even larger cake
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
it’s winter, be mysterious
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
December 1, 2025 at 12:55 AM
it’s winter, be mysterious
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
grow your pubes out and weave tiny twinkly lights through them
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
CRIMINAL: please, I have a family
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]
November 27, 2025 at 7:24 AM
CRIMINAL: please, I have a family
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]
BATMAN: [starts beating the shit out of him even harder]