Schmrrrrrrrlex
@schmrrrlex.bsky.social
mouldering lump of organic matter trapped in a series of social media accounts with diminishing returns
Pinned
Schmrrrrrrrlex
@schmrrrlex.bsky.social
· Dec 28
schrödinger:
cat with a gun: I said get in the box
cat with a gun: I said get in the box
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
Hey, Dad. All my life I have been the stone in the creek. Shaped by forces moving around me that I could not understand. Today I will become the creek. I will swell over the banks and into the world. I will make it smaller. I will reduce all things. Hope you get this voicemail. Hope you can swim.
December 11, 2025 at 1:18 PM
Hey, Dad. All my life I have been the stone in the creek. Shaped by forces moving around me that I could not understand. Today I will become the creek. I will swell over the banks and into the world. I will make it smaller. I will reduce all things. Hope you get this voicemail. Hope you can swim.
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
What do you think it means when the other gods describe your miracles as "workmanlike"?
December 11, 2025 at 2:33 AM
What do you think it means when the other gods describe your miracles as "workmanlike"?
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
People think snow is beautiful until they learn it’s really ground ghost bones.
December 5, 2025 at 6:44 PM
People think snow is beautiful until they learn it’s really ground ghost bones.
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
news reporter: so you really saw an alien and aren't just saying that to get on tv?
me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right
me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right
November 4, 2025 at 10:58 PM
news reporter: so you really saw an alien and aren't just saying that to get on tv?
me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right
me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
An upside-down umbrella is a great way to transport a large quantity of scrambled eggs in an emergency
November 29, 2025 at 11:35 PM
An upside-down umbrella is a great way to transport a large quantity of scrambled eggs in an emergency
I would have cried as well, that's the worst looking flower I've ever seen in my life. looks like a tick being autopsied. complete dogwater flower
A 13-year search for one of the world's rarest flowers in Indonesia ends in a 'magical experience'
www.abc.net.au/news/2025-11...
www.abc.net.au/news/2025-11...
Researcher cries after finding rare flower in Indonesia
A team of researchers describe the "magical" experience of finding a rare species of flower in bloom deep in the Sumatran rainforest after a 23-hour trek.
www.abc.net.au
November 26, 2025 at 4:37 PM
I would have cried as well, that's the worst looking flower I've ever seen in my life. looks like a tick being autopsied. complete dogwater flower
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
[argument at thanksgiving dinner]
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
November 26, 2025 at 2:04 PM
[argument at thanksgiving dinner]
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
February 19, 2025 at 1:24 AM
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
the enemy of my enemy? I don't think he has one. everybody loves that freakin guy
March 28, 2025 at 2:16 AM
the enemy of my enemy? I don't think he has one. everybody loves that freakin guy
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
doc: you should take fish oil for your heart
me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish?
doc: I have no idea
me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out?
doc: I wouldn't think so
me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil
doc: yeah, something like that
me: what the fuck
me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish?
doc: I have no idea
me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out?
doc: I wouldn't think so
me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil
doc: yeah, something like that
me: what the fuck
January 23, 2025 at 3:40 PM
doc: you should take fish oil for your heart
me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish?
doc: I have no idea
me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out?
doc: I wouldn't think so
me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil
doc: yeah, something like that
me: what the fuck
me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish?
doc: I have no idea
me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out?
doc: I wouldn't think so
me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil
doc: yeah, something like that
me: what the fuck
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
August 3, 2025 at 4:38 PM
[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
when my kid uses my debit card to doordash himself a huge bag of nerds gummy clusters and a six pack of blue gatorade
November 20, 2025 at 4:24 PM
when my kid uses my debit card to doordash himself a huge bag of nerds gummy clusters and a six pack of blue gatorade
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
October 1, 2023 at 5:23 PM
H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow
November 18, 2025 at 3:48 PM
Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
friend i haven't seen in 3 years: yo what's up man
me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head
friend: did it kill him
me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you
me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head
friend: did it kill him
me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you
November 17, 2025 at 7:42 PM
friend i haven't seen in 3 years: yo what's up man
me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head
friend: did it kill him
me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you
me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head
friend: did it kill him
me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
BREAKING: scientists have mapped 97% of the DNA from the burger king long chicken sandwich. the results will both terrify and nourish you
November 14, 2025 at 10:58 PM
BREAKING: scientists have mapped 97% of the DNA from the burger king long chicken sandwich. the results will both terrify and nourish you
me: I love this song
my kid: I don't, it's too sad
me: sad songs are wonderful. there's something sad inside all of us, and the music speaks to that part of you
kid: doesn't that make you sadder
me: yes
kid: so you just like being sad
me: oh no it's the worst
my kid: I don't, it's too sad
me: sad songs are wonderful. there's something sad inside all of us, and the music speaks to that part of you
kid: doesn't that make you sadder
me: yes
kid: so you just like being sad
me: oh no it's the worst
November 3, 2025 at 3:51 PM
me: I love this song
my kid: I don't, it's too sad
me: sad songs are wonderful. there's something sad inside all of us, and the music speaks to that part of you
kid: doesn't that make you sadder
me: yes
kid: so you just like being sad
me: oh no it's the worst
my kid: I don't, it's too sad
me: sad songs are wonderful. there's something sad inside all of us, and the music speaks to that part of you
kid: doesn't that make you sadder
me: yes
kid: so you just like being sad
me: oh no it's the worst
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
Me kicking an ice cube under the fridge: 🫤
The tiny people under the fridge that live off of them: God has blessed us once more! The famine is over!
Man holding his dying child: Please, my son needs first call!
Snarling merchant: Your family’s had their time on the cube!
The tiny people under the fridge that live off of them: God has blessed us once more! The famine is over!
Man holding his dying child: Please, my son needs first call!
Snarling merchant: Your family’s had their time on the cube!
May 5, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Me kicking an ice cube under the fridge: 🫤
The tiny people under the fridge that live off of them: God has blessed us once more! The famine is over!
Man holding his dying child: Please, my son needs first call!
Snarling merchant: Your family’s had their time on the cube!
The tiny people under the fridge that live off of them: God has blessed us once more! The famine is over!
Man holding his dying child: Please, my son needs first call!
Snarling merchant: Your family’s had their time on the cube!
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
October 27, 2025 at 8:17 PM
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Just listen to this. D'Angelo took neo-soul to a level of originality and perfect execution that can stand with anything in popular music. RIP
D'Angelo and The Vanguard - Really Love (Audio)
YouTube video by DAngeloVEVO
www.youtube.com
October 14, 2025 at 5:30 PM
Just listen to this. D'Angelo took neo-soul to a level of originality and perfect execution that can stand with anything in popular music. RIP
just hear me out: thrice baked potato
October 11, 2025 at 12:42 AM
just hear me out: thrice baked potato
Therapist: tell me something exciting that happened to you this week
Me: well, McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: it has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: why do you look so sad
Me: well, McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: it has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: why do you look so sad
October 10, 2025 at 11:23 PM
Therapist: tell me something exciting that happened to you this week
Me: well, McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: it has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: why do you look so sad
Me: well, McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: it has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: why do you look so sad
c'mon son, you've been in there for 45 minutes. there are other people in this house who need to use the shower to hide from a nightmarish reality I can no longer accept
October 9, 2025 at 1:46 AM
c'mon son, you've been in there for 45 minutes. there are other people in this house who need to use the shower to hide from a nightmarish reality I can no longer accept
Jerry Garcia: 🎶 got a wife in Chino babe and one in Cherokee. first one says she got my child, but it don't look like me 🎶
My Wife: see? it's not that strange. sometimes kids just look like that minor league baseball player I used to date for no reason
My Wife: see? it's not that strange. sometimes kids just look like that minor league baseball player I used to date for no reason
October 4, 2025 at 8:45 PM
Jerry Garcia: 🎶 got a wife in Chino babe and one in Cherokee. first one says she got my child, but it don't look like me 🎶
My Wife: see? it's not that strange. sometimes kids just look like that minor league baseball player I used to date for no reason
My Wife: see? it's not that strange. sometimes kids just look like that minor league baseball player I used to date for no reason
Reposted by Schmrrrrrrrlex
The skeleton weeps as the guilty verdict is read out. "Now as to your sentence," the judge says, as heavy flesh begins to envelop the condemned.
April 15, 2025 at 1:48 PM
The skeleton weeps as the guilty verdict is read out. "Now as to your sentence," the judge says, as heavy flesh begins to envelop the condemned.