Tyler couldn't wait to go to school tomorrow and show everyone what came out of his mom.

*heaving sobs* you'll never believe what happened to me today, someone asked me to provide expertise in my field

Semafor, like Politico and Axios, are gleeful ratfuckers. The cited study is just straight garbage, attributing positions to Democrats that no elected Democrat holds

the widely misunderstood chorus of “Achy Breaky Heart” portrays a hostage situation. “This man” does not refer to the speaker but to a bystander whose name we never learn. Some glosses on the text refer to this bystander as “Citizen X.” At any rate, he does not survive

From now on, when anyone asks how we’re going to pay for it, the answer should be we’ll take it out of the teargas budget.

The people: what if phones were cheaper

The tech industry: we prefer our newest invention, fake racist videos that will make it easier for them to starve you to death

Deciding to Consult

“Let them eat ballrooms”

Behind every racist asshole puppy-shooting woman is a racist asshole domestic abuser she commits adultery with.

I am once again begging for more conservatives and billionaires to threaten fleeing NYC if Mamdani wins so that I can move back

The Beatles, but only their psychedelic stuff: We are the Beatles, googooga joob.

Also, the Dems have spent the decades since Clinton being determinedly economically moderate and friendly to business. The result is a brand that is seen as elite and anti-worker.

Maybe there’s a cause and effect here! Maybe we shouldn’t quintuple down on moderation!

My dad sent me this

And I would like to challenge this person to get a real job

Back at you.

the average right wing cis het trad male would crumble as soon as they were tasked with picking up menstrual products & demand a goddamn parade if they incorrectly finished the assigned task

nazis are trying to take “women be shopping” from us because they’re scared of grocery stores & seasoning

they call it SNAP because those who prevent people from receiving benefits should have their necks snapped

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

to the old white couple that literally clutched their pearls as I tokyo drifted into the elevator bay on my scooter at caesar’s palace this weekend while shouting, “some of us have had abortions!”: I’m still not sorry for maybe ruining your vacation.

Cannibal Corpse’s Devoured By Vermin, naturally

not very long ago, this was the normal thing to think & say

Trump knows what an elephant is allegedly. That means he has a high IQ, like a perfect IQ.

Dementia experts. Actual doctors that are respected, walk up to him, tears in their eyes, praising his animal recognition skills. Sir, your IQ is high, they say.

So when he talks about Tylenol, believe him.

That's why he got in and ended their season first, always thinking ahead.