Mystery
@mysteryums.bsky.social
jokester, selfhoster, gamer, animer
mostly funny, Occasionally Serious™
opinions are not mine something is controlling me please help
mostly funny, Occasionally Serious™
opinions are not mine something is controlling me please help
Pinned
Mystery
@mysteryums.bsky.social
· Oct 27
a genie but he’s been trapped in a BMW headlight and can only be released by using the turn signal
Reposted by Mystery
just in case the racist chuds finding out all their favorite MAGA twitter accounts are run out of bangladesh and nigeria wasn't embarrassing enough, now it comes to light that their hero secret police agents executing libs in the street are named jesus and raymundo
February 2, 2026 at 5:25 AM
just in case the racist chuds finding out all their favorite MAGA twitter accounts are run out of bangladesh and nigeria wasn't embarrassing enough, now it comes to light that their hero secret police agents executing libs in the street are named jesus and raymundo
Reposted by Mystery
young republicans love writing newspaper articles called like “What Liberty Remains On These Shores For Thee?” and it’s about how women over 5’4” should be executed
February 2, 2026 at 6:09 AM
young republicans love writing newspaper articles called like “What Liberty Remains On These Shores For Thee?” and it’s about how women over 5’4” should be executed
Reposted by Mystery
Thinking about whoever said that by accepting a meal from people and then arresting them ICE agents broke a cultural taboo that was invented by, like, the first humans to set up a tent
February 1, 2026 at 4:22 PM
Thinking about whoever said that by accepting a meal from people and then arresting them ICE agents broke a cultural taboo that was invented by, like, the first humans to set up a tent
just in case the racist chuds finding out all their favorite MAGA twitter accounts are run out of bangladesh and nigeria wasn't embarrassing enough, now it comes to light that their hero secret police agents executing libs in the street are named jesus and raymundo
February 2, 2026 at 5:25 AM
just in case the racist chuds finding out all their favorite MAGA twitter accounts are run out of bangladesh and nigeria wasn't embarrassing enough, now it comes to light that their hero secret police agents executing libs in the street are named jesus and raymundo
Reposted by Mystery
From: Jeffrey Epstein
To: Cain From The Bible
Date: March 7th, 3000BC
Subject: Re: Thinking of killing my brother? 👀👀
go for it it wouljld be extremlry sexy to invenf thr cornvept of murder snd yherefore curse mankind fur eternkity ;) ;)
To: Cain From The Bible
Date: March 7th, 3000BC
Subject: Re: Thinking of killing my brother? 👀👀
go for it it wouljld be extremlry sexy to invenf thr cornvept of murder snd yherefore curse mankind fur eternkity ;) ;)
January 31, 2026 at 2:18 PM
From: Jeffrey Epstein
To: Cain From The Bible
Date: March 7th, 3000BC
Subject: Re: Thinking of killing my brother? 👀👀
go for it it wouljld be extremlry sexy to invenf thr cornvept of murder snd yherefore curse mankind fur eternkity ;) ;)
To: Cain From The Bible
Date: March 7th, 3000BC
Subject: Re: Thinking of killing my brother? 👀👀
go for it it wouljld be extremlry sexy to invenf thr cornvept of murder snd yherefore curse mankind fur eternkity ;) ;)
Reposted by Mystery
Reposted by Mystery
how i imagined elite pedophiles communicate: "hey man, what kind of *pizza* are we ordering tonight?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
January 31, 2026 at 6:22 AM
how i imagined elite pedophiles communicate: "hey man, what kind of *pizza* are we ordering tonight?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
Reposted by Mystery
Think Mr. Mittens has walked across the keyboard again?
Well put on your reading glasses and take a closer look 🔍
You may have received a communique from one of the world’s most illustrious pedophiles
Well put on your reading glasses and take a closer look 🔍
You may have received a communique from one of the world’s most illustrious pedophiles
January 31, 2026 at 7:30 AM
Think Mr. Mittens has walked across the keyboard again?
Well put on your reading glasses and take a closer look 🔍
You may have received a communique from one of the world’s most illustrious pedophiles
Well put on your reading glasses and take a closer look 🔍
You may have received a communique from one of the world’s most illustrious pedophiles
how i imagined elite pedophiles communicate: "hey man, what kind of *pizza* are we ordering tonight?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
January 31, 2026 at 6:22 AM
how i imagined elite pedophiles communicate: "hey man, what kind of *pizza* are we ordering tonight?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
how elite pedophiles actually communicate: "heyman, wana han out and do. pedophilee stuf toni ght .?"
Reposted by Mystery
all the people i originally followed because they made stupid little shitposts that made me laugh posting increasingly biting political commentary on state sanctioned executions
January 28, 2026 at 5:54 PM
all the people i originally followed because they made stupid little shitposts that made me laugh posting increasingly biting political commentary on state sanctioned executions
The axis of corruption and evil has so many names that did so much wrong in it that I genuinely forgot the guy they replaced the SS officer cosplayer with is the guy who accepted the $50k bribe
January 29, 2026 at 4:42 PM
The axis of corruption and evil has so many names that did so much wrong in it that I genuinely forgot the guy they replaced the SS officer cosplayer with is the guy who accepted the $50k bribe
Reposted by Mystery
The immigrant shredder we built as a bipartisan exercise in good governance is unfortunately voice-activated, specifically the voice of anyone saying “don’t shred immigrants.” If non-immigrants don’t want to be shredded, they should avoid making the shredder feel bad. I won’t vote to turn it off btw
While the left might screech about dismantling the giant robot we’ve built to shred immigrants, I am both proud of the improvements my fellow centrists and I have made to its immigrant-shredding capabilities and secure in the knowledge that nobody will ever flip the big switch that lets it shred me
January 29, 2026 at 2:16 PM
The immigrant shredder we built as a bipartisan exercise in good governance is unfortunately voice-activated, specifically the voice of anyone saying “don’t shred immigrants.” If non-immigrants don’t want to be shredded, they should avoid making the shredder feel bad. I won’t vote to turn it off btw
Reposted by Mystery
What a stupid terrifying time to be alive
January 28, 2025 at 11:17 PM
What a stupid terrifying time to be alive
Reposted by Mystery
do you think they could stretch the “suspenseful elevation” noise in a movie trailer throughout the entire thing and never have it dramatically lead to anything
January 28, 2026 at 3:23 AM
do you think they could stretch the “suspenseful elevation” noise in a movie trailer throughout the entire thing and never have it dramatically lead to anything
all the people i originally followed because they made stupid little shitposts that made me laugh posting increasingly biting political commentary on state sanctioned executions
January 28, 2026 at 5:54 PM
all the people i originally followed because they made stupid little shitposts that made me laugh posting increasingly biting political commentary on state sanctioned executions
Reposted by Mystery
[mildly inconvenienced kristi noem to her noem dog] i just can't do this noemore, *bang*
[exasperated gnome wife to her gnome husband] i just can't do this gnomore
October 20, 2025 at 12:39 PM
[mildly inconvenienced kristi noem to her noem dog] i just can't do this noemore, *bang*
Reposted by Mystery
People are feeling less and less faith in our politicians because politics is just talking, and we can only say so much about the secret police murdering us in the street before the talking stops and the doing begins
January 26, 2026 at 5:07 PM
People are feeling less and less faith in our politicians because politics is just talking, and we can only say so much about the secret police murdering us in the street before the talking stops and the doing begins
Reposted by Mystery
"whose fault are these murders?"
January 28, 2026 at 3:44 PM
"whose fault are these murders?"
"whose fault are these murders?"
January 28, 2026 at 3:44 PM
"whose fault are these murders?"
Reposted by Mystery
sighing with relief as the masked man with a gun identifies himself as a carjacker and not ICE
January 13, 2026 at 7:52 PM
sighing with relief as the masked man with a gun identifies himself as a carjacker and not ICE
Reposted by Mystery
Greg Bovino sadly filling one steamer trunk after another with elaborate fashy overcoats, the teargas canisters he always has bouncing around on him like labubus, and dozens of "chest-belts." They will be shipped ahead of him as he prepares to return to his home, which is a men's size 10 boot.
January 27, 2026 at 12:18 AM
Greg Bovino sadly filling one steamer trunk after another with elaborate fashy overcoats, the teargas canisters he always has bouncing around on him like labubus, and dozens of "chest-belts." They will be shipped ahead of him as he prepares to return to his home, which is a men's size 10 boot.
BREAKING: Sir Gregory Bongos, lead star in the hit animal show "Monkeys On ICE", has been retired, per sources
January 27, 2026 at 12:55 AM
BREAKING: Sir Gregory Bongos, lead star in the hit animal show "Monkeys On ICE", has been retired, per sources
Reposted by Mystery
"im not the head of the gestapo! im not the head of the gestapo!!", greg bovino continues to insist as he slowly shrinks and transforms into a jackboot
Bovino: "When politicians, community leaders, & some journalists engage in that heated rhetoric we keep talking about, when they make the choice to vilify law enforcement calling law enforcement 'Gestapo' or using the term 'kidnapping,' that is a choice & there are actions & consequences."
January 26, 2026 at 9:05 PM
"im not the head of the gestapo! im not the head of the gestapo!!", greg bovino continues to insist as he slowly shrinks and transforms into a jackboot
Reposted by Mystery
Wouldn’t have made it out of the VEEP writers room
January 26, 2026 at 4:58 PM
Wouldn’t have made it out of the VEEP writers room