if we're spooning and you start grinding your ass against me you better be trying to get me to start a family

[DJTs corpse lying under dirt and earth and worms, 1000% graveyard ass dead]

White House doctor report: "yeah imaging is actually perfectly normal and he remains in excellent overall health."

Just said "girl whatever" to my dept manager

eating my bowl of spaghetti from behind

🍂🎃

Monday is right around the corner

Monday is right around the corner

It's always fun to watch my family serve themselves from the counter I've fucked my wife on

her: i consent

him: i consent

the voiceover intro from ninja gaiden: the evil dark dragon blade. a legendary sword. said to have been carved out of the bones of a black dragon

Infinite torture labyrinth with loudspeakers playing an unending loop of Gilbert Gottfried reading the recently uncovered messages from RFK Jr to Nuzzi

send me to horny jail and I'll just come back a father

If you push the turbo button you might blow the welds off the intake

I have two daughters, their names?
None of your business. Theur powers? Immeasurable.
God bless have a safe night.

☀️👃☀️
when I'm looking directly at you

Mackened cheese

one hand featuring one good baby

I will cook for other people any day but I actually truly hate the production that goes into "making a meal" for myself, like just give me a single bland puck of the calories/fat/protein that I need for the day

My banana nut loaf is sleeping in the oven, please shut the hell up

Oh no.

Grandma put jalapeños and sriracha sauce in the cream corn again

Random family members stop asking literal 16 yr olds what career path they're pursuing challenge

every time you're in my notifs I'm like "yeah i bet you liked that didn't you"

Almost turkey day everybody, y'all know what that means, time tT̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀ T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀ T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀ T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀

[scrunches your butt]