what you see right before getting ready for bed

Monday is right around the corner

It's always fun to watch my family serve themselves from the counter I've fucked my wife on

her: i consent

him: i consent

the voiceover intro from ninja gaiden: the evil dark dragon blade. a legendary sword. said to have been carved out of the bones of a black dragon

Infinite torture labyrinth with loudspeakers playing an unending loop of Gilbert Gottfried reading the recently uncovered messages from RFK Jr to Nuzzi

send me to horny jail and I'll just come back a father

If you push the turbo button you might blow the welds off the intake

I have two daughters, their names?
None of your business. Theur powers? Immeasurable.
God bless have a safe night.

☀️👃☀️
when I'm looking directly at you

Mackened cheese

one hand featuring one good baby

I will cook for other people any day but I actually truly hate the production that goes into "making a meal" for myself, like just give me a single bland puck of the calories/fat/protein that I need for the day

My banana nut loaf is sleeping in the oven, please shut the hell up

Oh no.

Grandma put jalapeños and sriracha sauce in the cream corn again

Random family members stop asking literal 16 yr olds what career path they're pursuing challenge

every time you're in my notifs I'm like "yeah i bet you liked that didn't you"

Almost turkey day everybody, y'all know what that means, time tT̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀ T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀ T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀ T̵̼̭̭̜̮͒ḩ̵̛̠̼̪̍͋͊ͅe̵̩̿ ̴̲͓̪͓͐͑̿͠͝F̸͍͎̭͗̈́̋̓ọ̷̜͍̟̜̔̅̍̂̾g̶̤̱̍̓͝ ̶͔̱̐͂i̶͎̒͋́̅͜s̸͍͈̯͗̄ ̷̨͔͈̑̿͘c̸̺͚̿ó̶̱͙̣͗͐̑̉m̷̛̹͓̆̋͑i̶̧̞̫͈̲̒͠n̷͈̝̬̫̠͂g̴̝̩̮̓̈̀

[scrunches your butt]

drawing around the victims body with chalk

Detective: are you outlining the dick print?

me: yeah sorry man I'm not a cop lmao

Stop spending time and energy trying to explain basic human empathy to overgrown man children on the Internet you need your strength to join China's army and defend the emperor, Shan Yu's men have broken through the gates of the capital

sliding into your DM's but slipping and falling directly into a giant tub of slime and goop

throw out that busted lawnmower and get a BACnetmower

why would you be mean to a witch like are you stupid

how was it that we all agreed at some point in the evolution of human brains that red is the color of lust and sexy time