This mask always makes me laugh. i don't like to look at the other one..

Promouncing Bugonia like Stankonia

(Holding a card with this scale to your head) Sorry pal. You gotta be a Norwood 3 or up to feed the ducks with us

If I send you this it means I’m putting my foot down

Always remember when my mom got me a huge stack of Life In Hell and Far Side books from the thrift store. Wish I still had them

(Hearing somebody recently became a parent) oh is the baby still in the picture?

I’ve been watching old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries and a guy who claimed to have been abducted by aliens was named Jack Weiner. I imagine the head alien talking to him telepathically like “We know much of your planet. We know your name is quite humorous“

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah

Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen

Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah

Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

David Byrne if he was a realtor: This is not my beautiful house….but it could be yours!