Reposted by Malc
ZOOKEEPER: So our last snake is our yellow Burmese python
ME: *way too loud* A bananaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
ME: *way too loud* A bananaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
February 3, 2026 at 7:12 PM
ZOOKEEPER: So our last snake is our yellow Burmese python
ME: *way too loud* A bananaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
ME: *way too loud* A bananaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Reposted by Malc
This took me fucking ages
![1
[Scene is a GREGGS interior. A lone MAN, the only customer in the shop, is standing at counter]
MAN:
Please can I have a sausage roll.
2
GREGGS SHOP ASSISTANT:
Certainly sir
[She pulls a leaver on the panini machine and WOOSH the man disappears through a trapdoor].
Whoosh
3
[The MAN appears through a chute in an underground bunker. A voice from off-scene greets him]:
Welcome, friend
4
[We see the voice is of a military-looking resistance COMMANDER with a moustache]
COMMANDER:
You said "please can I have" instead of “can I get”…
So now you're one of us.
5
MAN:
W-where am I ...?
[We see him looking at a hi tech UNDERGROUND MILITARY BUNKER - it has resistance vibes, and has lots of screens with maps etc]
6
COMMANDER:
You've joined the resistance…
...against people saying things all American.
7
COMMANDER:
We are an underground network of sleeper agents poised to have a right go at young people the moment they say "mom" or "bangs”.
8
LIEUTENANT [Staring at screen]:
Agent 244 has just given a Zoomer in Halifax the “could/couldn't care less" speech, sir
COMMANDER:
Very good
9
[Show the map of the UK with digital pop ups on it saying ‘GOTTEN’, ‘ZEE’, ‘MATH’ etc
COMMANDER:
You may have heard our name... We are...
10
COMMANDER:
...the Fight Against New Yankee Pronunciations and Americanisms Corrupting the King's English!
11
[Show the military command center panel. It says on the wall in big metal letters]:
F.A.N.Y.P.A.C.K.E.
12
MAN
You've called yourselves the 'Fanny Pack'
COMMANDER:
We didn't spot the acronym
[/end]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreianaxlutkih4rysx6l37rru2cic64wiirt4fd2jss5xlxsulixlou@jpeg)
February 2, 2026 at 10:25 PM
This took me fucking ages
Reposted by Malc
Take me down to the Parallax city where the far moves slow and the near moves quickly
February 1, 2026 at 3:40 PM
Take me down to the Parallax city where the far moves slow and the near moves quickly
Reposted by Malc
The Telegraph just released a video talking about the EU's aims to become a superpower, and er, they have the UK as members...
January 26, 2026 at 9:37 AM
The Telegraph just released a video talking about the EU's aims to become a superpower, and er, they have the UK as members...
Reposted by Malc
I’m not sure audiophiles are really audiophiles, I think they’re just rich people.
January 24, 2026 at 10:23 AM
I’m not sure audiophiles are really audiophiles, I think they’re just rich people.
Reposted by Malc
today i learned that wordperfect, the word processor that presented you with a blank blue screen to type in, still exists
WordPerfect Office | Free Trial
See why WordPerfect Office is a legendary leader in office suites! Whether you're a student or professional, if you want true office suite power, WordPerfect Office has an option for you at the price ...
www.wordperfect.com
January 20, 2026 at 10:20 PM
today i learned that wordperfect, the word processor that presented you with a blank blue screen to type in, still exists
Reposted by Malc
Heard a lad earlier talking about ‘Belgian whistles’
“A basic website costs 10k or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles”
BELGIAN WHISTLES
“A basic website costs 10k or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles”
BELGIAN WHISTLES
January 15, 2026 at 4:33 PM
Heard a lad earlier talking about ‘Belgian whistles’
“A basic website costs 10k or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles”
BELGIAN WHISTLES
“A basic website costs 10k or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles”
BELGIAN WHISTLES
Reposted by Malc
Reposted by Malc
NASA say that the crew member who was ill and returned to earth is doing well and now having a meal with colleagues.
January 15, 2026 at 1:31 PM
NASA say that the crew member who was ill and returned to earth is doing well and now having a meal with colleagues.
Reposted by Malc
This really deserves to be circulated widely —>
January 12, 2026 at 7:20 PM
This really deserves to be circulated widely —>
Reposted by Malc
I wonder what Londoners know that the rest of the country don’t?
January 11, 2026 at 9:26 AM
I wonder what Londoners know that the rest of the country don’t?
Reposted by Malc
Things are awful, so a little treat for the real Crush-Heads. It is now eleven years since I got this printed in the Metro.
January 8, 2026 at 4:54 PM
Things are awful, so a little treat for the real Crush-Heads. It is now eleven years since I got this printed in the Metro.
Reposted by Malc
T-shirt from the kids. They know me well...
December 25, 2025 at 6:14 PM
T-shirt from the kids. They know me well...
Reposted by Malc
Need a last-minute gift? Go pick up a Mogwai.
December 24, 2025 at 5:28 AM
Need a last-minute gift? Go pick up a Mogwai.
Reposted by Malc
Reposted by Malc
My mum has had a few “Oh, mum” moments but I think arguably the biggest was when I wrote about Taylor Swift's Folklore album on my website and she read it then told me, “I bet that singer will be ever so pleased with all the extra sales she got because of your write-up.”
December 13, 2025 at 7:28 AM
My mum has had a few “Oh, mum” moments but I think arguably the biggest was when I wrote about Taylor Swift's Folklore album on my website and she read it then told me, “I bet that singer will be ever so pleased with all the extra sales she got because of your write-up.”
Wordle 1,634 3/6
⬜🟨⬜⬜🟨
⬜🟨🟨🟨🟨
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
⬜🟨⬜⬜🟨
⬜🟨🟨🟨🟨
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
December 9, 2025 at 11:09 PM
Wordle 1,634 3/6
⬜🟨⬜⬜🟨
⬜🟨🟨🟨🟨
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
⬜🟨⬜⬜🟨
⬜🟨🟨🟨🟨
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Reposted by Malc
'You there, boy! Which Christian policeman are we burning to ensure fertility and prosperity?"
December 9, 2025 at 6:00 PM
'You there, boy! Which Christian policeman are we burning to ensure fertility and prosperity?"
Reposted by Malc
Remember folks: if you have any small amount of artistic talent, any sex appeal, or can make your friends laugh, the richest man on earth is crying screaming throwing up because he can’t be you.
December 6, 2025 at 10:59 PM
Remember folks: if you have any small amount of artistic talent, any sex appeal, or can make your friends laugh, the richest man on earth is crying screaming throwing up because he can’t be you.
Reposted by Malc
Get a load of this. 😆
December 5, 2025 at 1:35 PM
Get a load of this. 😆
Reposted by Malc
Reposted by Malc
Huge respect to the papers for finding both an 88 year old worried about the tax bill on her 6 bedroom Kensington house and a 20 year old fretting about only being able to save £12k a year tax free.
Top work all around. These are not easy case studies to find.
Top work all around. These are not easy case studies to find.
November 29, 2025 at 9:24 AM
Huge respect to the papers for finding both an 88 year old worried about the tax bill on her 6 bedroom Kensington house and a 20 year old fretting about only being able to save £12k a year tax free.
Top work all around. These are not easy case studies to find.
Top work all around. These are not easy case studies to find.
Reposted by Malc
And another! Stories and interviews with the team behind one of the BBC's greatest ever TV dramas – "a revenge thriller, a mystical nuclear-and-environmental-apocalypse fable, a clear-eyed political document of the mid-1980s, a ghost story" – by me for @thequietus.com thequietus.com/opinion-and-...
Why Edge Of Darkness makes so much sense in 2025 | The Quietus
Judge Rogers speaks to several key members of the team who made the ecologically-minded thriller for the BBC
thequietus.com
November 24, 2025 at 9:38 AM
And another! Stories and interviews with the team behind one of the BBC's greatest ever TV dramas – "a revenge thriller, a mystical nuclear-and-environmental-apocalypse fable, a clear-eyed political document of the mid-1980s, a ghost story" – by me for @thequietus.com thequietus.com/opinion-and-...
Reposted by Malc
There was actually a time quite recently when the Young People still used Tinder
(Published around the time of Dawn Chorus Day)
(Published around the time of Dawn Chorus Day)
![[Scene is a WOODLAND just before dawn. In a tree, a TEENAGE ROBIN with big headphones on is slouching on a branch, swiping on her phone. Her DAD ROBIN approaches her on the branch looking cheerful with her MUM ROBIN also in tow].
DAD ROBIN:
Wakey wakey darling, it's National Dawn Chorus Day!
TEENAGE ROBIN:
Ugh, Dad...
DAD ROBIN:
Come on, dear...
DAD ROBIN:
It's time for us all to shout into the darkness for sex!
TEENAGE ROBIN:
What
DAD ROBIN:
You're a big bird now.
Time to put down that blessed phone and find a mate...
TEENAGE ROBIN:
I am.
On Tinder.
[She swipes on her phone]
DAD ROBIN:
Oh for heaven's sake.
Your generation has no sense of tradition!
TEENAGE ROBIN:
Right... so you'd rather I found love by bellowing into the woods for a pre-dawn hookup with a total stranger?
DAD ROBIN:
It's natural!
TEENAGE ROBIN:
It's dogging.
DAD ROBIN:
Well that's how your Mum and I had you...
TEENAGE ROBIN:
OH MY GOD GROSS
MUM ROBIN [Singing sweetly into the air]:
Sex pleeease...
TEENAGE ROBIN:
Stop it Mum.
MUM ROBIN:
SEEEEEX PLEEEEAAAASE...
TEENAGE ROBIN:
MUUUM!
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreierbhobnorq5sxzbz3n5wpp2y3b4d6gpudj7qf6qycqqlvwja7eoi@jpeg)
November 23, 2025 at 11:18 PM
There was actually a time quite recently when the Young People still used Tinder
(Published around the time of Dawn Chorus Day)
(Published around the time of Dawn Chorus Day)