Jessica Shortall 🧂🥴
@jessicashortall.bsky.social
Pleasant, well-nourished female.
Somewhere near one of 11,842 lakes
Somewhere near one of 11,842 lakes
Anyway, good morning all, happy Thanksgiving, and thanks for coming down memory lane with me. Hope you have some pistachios on hand today. 🦃 🇺🇿
November 27, 2025 at 1:47 PM
Anyway, good morning all, happy Thanksgiving, and thanks for coming down memory lane with me. Hope you have some pistachios on hand today. 🦃 🇺🇿
Sidebar to say I am dying because I’ve never thought of it this way but this is exactly what this turkey went through
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Easy Bake Oven turkey
November 27, 2025 at 5:05 AM
Sidebar to say I am dying because I’ve never thought of it this way but this is exactly what this turkey went through
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bsky.app/profile/lucy...
LOLOLOL THIS EXACTLY
November 27, 2025 at 5:04 AM
LOLOLOL THIS EXACTLY
…anyway, wherever you’re spending Thanksgiving, I will always believe it’s the best day of the year. It can connect you to your roots while also setting you free from them. It can consist of a perfect spread or a pile of empty vodka bottles and pistachio shells and the world’s latest turkey
19/
19/
November 27, 2025 at 5:03 AM
…anyway, wherever you’re spending Thanksgiving, I will always believe it’s the best day of the year. It can connect you to your roots while also setting you free from them. It can consist of a perfect spread or a pile of empty vodka bottles and pistachio shells and the world’s latest turkey
19/
19/
…I needed that dose of home to keep going, + needed that absolute fail to tell me YOU LIVE HERE NOW + to stop trying to fight that reality. Very soon I couldn’t imagine my life just then anywhere else, not because I had successfully Americanized it, but because I had started to really live there
18/
18/
November 27, 2025 at 5:01 AM
…I needed that dose of home to keep going, + needed that absolute fail to tell me YOU LIVE HERE NOW + to stop trying to fight that reality. Very soon I couldn’t imagine my life just then anywhere else, not because I had successfully Americanized it, but because I had started to really live there
18/
18/
...there is no giant a-ha to this story. Thanksgiving 2000 delivered a whopping hangover + sore fingers from plucking turkey quills by hand. But that gathering gave me the boost I needed to keep going - and soon I found myself thankful every day for the community + family I’d been welcomed into
17/
17/
November 27, 2025 at 4:59 AM
...there is no giant a-ha to this story. Thanksgiving 2000 delivered a whopping hangover + sore fingers from plucking turkey quills by hand. But that gathering gave me the boost I needed to keep going - and soon I found myself thankful every day for the community + family I’d been welcomed into
17/
17/
…the truth is that I don’t remember, because I was deeply drunk on Andijon brand vodka with nothing but a layer of pistachios to cushion the blow. But it can’t have been good. This turkey slow-cooked with no basting for about a year and a half that day
16/
16/
November 27, 2025 at 4:55 AM
…the truth is that I don’t remember, because I was deeply drunk on Andijon brand vodka with nothing but a layer of pistachios to cushion the blow. But it can’t have been good. This turkey slow-cooked with no basting for about a year and a half that day
16/
16/
…we were so far from home, but we took this deeply American thing with us, even if we (mostly I) fucked up the details six ways to Sunday.
And eventually, yes dear reader, the goddamned turkey was done. And was it delicious? Was it???
15/
And eventually, yes dear reader, the goddamned turkey was done. And was it delicious? Was it???
15/
November 27, 2025 at 4:50 AM
…we were so far from home, but we took this deeply American thing with us, even if we (mostly I) fucked up the details six ways to Sunday.
And eventually, yes dear reader, the goddamned turkey was done. And was it delicious? Was it???
15/
And eventually, yes dear reader, the goddamned turkey was done. And was it delicious? Was it???
15/
…but despite the shambolic nature of the whole situation, it WAS Thanksgiving. Sure, it was dusk and we were well and truly shitcanned and without a real meal. Sure, we hardly knew each other. Sure, we were wildly homesick.
But we did the thing. We gathered. We said what we were thankful for
14/
But we did the thing. We gathered. We said what we were thankful for
14/
November 27, 2025 at 4:49 AM
…but despite the shambolic nature of the whole situation, it WAS Thanksgiving. Sure, it was dusk and we were well and truly shitcanned and without a real meal. Sure, we hardly knew each other. Sure, we were wildly homesick.
But we did the thing. We gathered. We said what we were thankful for
14/
But we did the thing. We gathered. We said what we were thankful for
14/
so fine. The gas oven was a kind of Schrödinger’s oven, in which a cooked turkey and a raw turkey coexisted as long as we kept drinking vodka and pretending we didn’t know how this ended.
13/
13/
November 27, 2025 at 4:44 AM
so fine. The gas oven was a kind of Schrödinger’s oven, in which a cooked turkey and a raw turkey coexisted as long as we kept drinking vodka and pretending we didn’t know how this ended.
13/
13/
…the turkey was Godot. Every time I’d venture out to the outdoor kitchen to check the turkey in the gas oven, the group would be less interested in my report upon my return. I’d lost them. This was a vodka Thanksgiving now.
12/
12/
November 27, 2025 at 4:40 AM
…the turkey was Godot. Every time I’d venture out to the outdoor kitchen to check the turkey in the gas oven, the group would be less interested in my report upon my return. I’d lost them. This was a vodka Thanksgiving now.
12/
12/
…at some point in this debacle, the sun set. We had spent all day waiting - mostly for me to pluck the turkey, stuff the turkey, cook the turkey (still a long shot). I remember swaying to the outhouse and hovering over the pit toilet, vodka to my eyeballs, questioning my leadership skills
11/
11/
November 27, 2025 at 4:39 AM
…at some point in this debacle, the sun set. We had spent all day waiting - mostly for me to pluck the turkey, stuff the turkey, cook the turkey (still a long shot). I remember swaying to the outhouse and hovering over the pit toilet, vodka to my eyeballs, questioning my leadership skills
11/
11/
…some potatoes were had, but the group mostly opted for more vodka + pistachios. I wasn’t entirely straightforward about how dire the situation was. They likely thought the turkey was imminent, while I had a vivid image of its lavender-white skin glaring accusingly at me from a barely hot oven
10/
10/
November 27, 2025 at 4:35 AM
…some potatoes were had, but the group mostly opted for more vodka + pistachios. I wasn’t entirely straightforward about how dire the situation was. They likely thought the turkey was imminent, while I had a vivid image of its lavender-white skin glaring accusingly at me from a barely hot oven
10/
10/
…I returned to the group of Americans as de facto chef, announced turkey would be awhile. Did anyone want mashed potatoes? Sans gravy since the turkey was still in a state of tartare, shall we say, and “cooking” at roughly 175°, under the most post-Soviet gas flame the world has ever known
9/
9/
November 27, 2025 at 4:32 AM
…I returned to the group of Americans as de facto chef, announced turkey would be awhile. Did anyone want mashed potatoes? Sans gravy since the turkey was still in a state of tartare, shall we say, and “cooking” at roughly 175°, under the most post-Soviet gas flame the world has ever known
9/
9/
…I looked at the raw turkey crammed in a tiny electric oven +said we are not canceling Thanksgiving. In it went to the gas oven. It being Uzbekistan, natural gas rationed, flame in the oven was what Uzbeks call MEEENCHA-a word I can’t say if it’s Uzbek or Russian, but it means tiny as shit
8/
8/
November 27, 2025 at 4:28 AM
…I looked at the raw turkey crammed in a tiny electric oven +said we are not canceling Thanksgiving. In it went to the gas oven. It being Uzbekistan, natural gas rationed, flame in the oven was what Uzbeks call MEEENCHA-a word I can’t say if it’s Uzbek or Russian, but it means tiny as shit
8/
8/
…about 30min into the vodka portion of Thanksgiving (lot of toasting in bad Russian +Uzbek, a lot of Fanta, some pistachios), in which a lot of damage can be done by half a dozen young Americans very far from home, the power went out
Reader, you’ll recall the turkey was in a plug-in electric oven
7/
Reader, you’ll recall the turkey was in a plug-in electric oven
7/
November 27, 2025 at 4:19 AM
…about 30min into the vodka portion of Thanksgiving (lot of toasting in bad Russian +Uzbek, a lot of Fanta, some pistachios), in which a lot of damage can be done by half a dozen young Americans very far from home, the power went out
Reader, you’ll recall the turkey was in a plug-in electric oven
7/
Reader, you’ll recall the turkey was in a plug-in electric oven
7/
…off we went to boil and mash potatoes, open the lone can of cranberry sauce (not a lot of cranberry bogs in the high desert of Central Asia), figure out pie.
But because it was Uzbekistan, someone had brought vodka. A lot of very strong, local, bathtub vodka.
6/
But because it was Uzbekistan, someone had brought vodka. A lot of very strong, local, bathtub vodka.
6/
November 27, 2025 at 4:10 AM
…off we went to boil and mash potatoes, open the lone can of cranberry sauce (not a lot of cranberry bogs in the high desert of Central Asia), figure out pie.
But because it was Uzbekistan, someone had brought vodka. A lot of very strong, local, bathtub vodka.
6/
But because it was Uzbekistan, someone had brought vodka. A lot of very strong, local, bathtub vodka.
6/
…then i shoved an onion + apple into the turkey cavity and, in a panic, sewed it up with needle + non-mint dental floss. Gas was notoriously in + out in the winter so ovens were not trustworthy. We were smart + had secured a plug-in electric oven. In the turkey went while we figured out the rest
5/
5/
November 27, 2025 at 4:09 AM
…then i shoved an onion + apple into the turkey cavity and, in a panic, sewed it up with needle + non-mint dental floss. Gas was notoriously in + out in the winter so ovens were not trustworthy. We were smart + had secured a plug-in electric oven. In the turkey went while we figured out the rest
5/
5/
…We converged on this kind host family’s house on a Saturday (we had to work in the Thursday). The turkey was presented to me. It was dead, no head no feet…but covered in feathers. Spent a cold hour outside pulling the quills out by hand.
4/
4/
November 27, 2025 at 4:07 AM
…We converged on this kind host family’s house on a Saturday (we had to work in the Thursday). The turkey was presented to me. It was dead, no head no feet…but covered in feathers. Spent a cold hour outside pulling the quills out by hand.
4/
4/
…Pumpkins existed but at 22, how do you end up with the stuff in the can? Approximate sweetened condensed milk? Make pie crust?
Luckily one person brought a single, holy can of cranberry sauce in their luggage. That thing was like gold.
3/
Luckily one person brought a single, holy can of cranberry sauce in their luggage. That thing was like gold.
3/
November 27, 2025 at 4:05 AM
…Pumpkins existed but at 22, how do you end up with the stuff in the can? Approximate sweetened condensed milk? Make pie crust?
Luckily one person brought a single, holy can of cranberry sauce in their luggage. That thing was like gold.
3/
Luckily one person brought a single, holy can of cranberry sauce in their luggage. That thing was like gold.
3/
…1st issue was a turkey. Not commonly sold. Had to use a whisper network to find someone who had turkeys and would sell us one. Then almost every other dish was an exercise in invention, memory, and compromise. Mashed potatoes ok. But stuffing? No internet. Do you just…mash up bread? We were 22.
2/
2/
November 27, 2025 at 4:04 AM
…1st issue was a turkey. Not commonly sold. Had to use a whisper network to find someone who had turkeys and would sell us one. Then almost every other dish was an exercise in invention, memory, and compromise. Mashed potatoes ok. But stuffing? No internet. Do you just…mash up bread? We were 22.
2/
2/
JFC let us have this
November 26, 2025 at 12:54 PM
JFC let us have this