Heaux Patrol
@heaux-patrol.bsky.social
A degenerate dilettante, holding a PhD in promiscuity, & always horny on main. She/her, pan.
On the advice from Insta, I had a cheese-forward diet today and I believe I’ve taken my last poop of 2025 so as to “not carry that shit with [me] into the new year.”
January 1, 2026 at 5:57 AM
On the advice from Insta, I had a cheese-forward diet today and I believe I’ve taken my last poop of 2025 so as to “not carry that shit with [me] into the new year.”
I went on a date and while it was obvious there was not romantic or sexual chemistry there, I had a nice time and good conversation. Sometimes, it’s just nice meeting someone.
December 30, 2025 at 4:14 AM
I went on a date and while it was obvious there was not romantic or sexual chemistry there, I had a nice time and good conversation. Sometimes, it’s just nice meeting someone.
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
You ever do something so dumb that it resets your entire mental capacity for the day? Yeah, that’s what my morning has been like.
August 28, 2025 at 5:55 PM
You ever do something so dumb that it resets your entire mental capacity for the day? Yeah, that’s what my morning has been like.
Sent minutes apart from different numbers and yet couldn’t be bothered to use a different copy&paste message.
July 11, 2025 at 10:50 PM
Sent minutes apart from different numbers and yet couldn’t be bothered to use a different copy&paste message.
Late night confessions: just had a ménage a moi to fall asleep and after I finished, I could feel tears wanting to form. Not sure why, wasn’t a particularly strong orgasm. Last time I cried was with my stand-up comedian ex and he got mad that I was crying.
July 7, 2025 at 9:04 AM
Late night confessions: just had a ménage a moi to fall asleep and after I finished, I could feel tears wanting to form. Not sure why, wasn’t a particularly strong orgasm. Last time I cried was with my stand-up comedian ex and he got mad that I was crying.
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
That last line hits hard
July 6, 2025 at 5:19 PM
That last line hits hard
It’s a very humbling experience having to call in sick to work while sitting on the toilet, puking into a bucket.
July 3, 2025 at 2:43 PM
It’s a very humbling experience having to call in sick to work while sitting on the toilet, puking into a bucket.
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
my very otherwise rational austrian husband genuinely thought fans make you sick
another austrian friend thought raw cucumbers were poisonous
anyone who thinks americans have a monopoly on cultural stupidity has never left the country or merely been a very removed tourist
another austrian friend thought raw cucumbers were poisonous
anyone who thinks americans have a monopoly on cultural stupidity has never left the country or merely been a very removed tourist
June 24, 2025 at 1:39 AM
my very otherwise rational austrian husband genuinely thought fans make you sick
another austrian friend thought raw cucumbers were poisonous
anyone who thinks americans have a monopoly on cultural stupidity has never left the country or merely been a very removed tourist
another austrian friend thought raw cucumbers were poisonous
anyone who thinks americans have a monopoly on cultural stupidity has never left the country or merely been a very removed tourist
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
Good report on problems with IDF evacuation orders.
Often unclear how long orders remain in effect. If you’re ordered south, and the area south of you had a similar evacuation order a month ago, is that order still in effect?
IDF mostly doesn’t say, except in occasional new strip-wide orders.
Often unclear how long orders remain in effect. If you’re ordered south, and the area south of you had a similar evacuation order a month ago, is that order still in effect?
IDF mostly doesn’t say, except in occasional new strip-wide orders.
FA documented Israeli strikes in parts of Gaza where civilians had been told to evacuate. In several cases, attacks took place the same day or the day after orders were issued.
More: frames.forensic-architecture.org/gaza/updates...
More: frames.forensic-architecture.org/gaza/updates...
June 23, 2025 at 7:39 PM
Good report on problems with IDF evacuation orders.
Often unclear how long orders remain in effect. If you’re ordered south, and the area south of you had a similar evacuation order a month ago, is that order still in effect?
IDF mostly doesn’t say, except in occasional new strip-wide orders.
Often unclear how long orders remain in effect. If you’re ordered south, and the area south of you had a similar evacuation order a month ago, is that order still in effect?
IDF mostly doesn’t say, except in occasional new strip-wide orders.
Shout out to @bellesaco.bsky.social and @tryquinnapp.bsky.social because y’all are doing the work when it comes to sad-gasms.
Nothing like a little pick-me-up after being ghosted.
Nothing like a little pick-me-up after being ghosted.
June 21, 2025 at 5:06 AM
Shout out to @bellesaco.bsky.social and @tryquinnapp.bsky.social because y’all are doing the work when it comes to sad-gasms.
Nothing like a little pick-me-up after being ghosted.
Nothing like a little pick-me-up after being ghosted.
Spoke too soon and now I’m 90% sure I’ve been ghosted. Contemplating never letting a man inside me again. Gonna brick up my cooze like The Cask of Amontillado.
June 21, 2025 at 12:27 AM
Spoke too soon and now I’m 90% sure I’ve been ghosted. Contemplating never letting a man inside me again. Gonna brick up my cooze like The Cask of Amontillado.
This girl got railed twice this afternoon by a dude laying some serious pipe. Happy birthday to me!!
June 20, 2025 at 1:45 AM
This girl got railed twice this afternoon by a dude laying some serious pipe. Happy birthday to me!!
It’s my birthday so now’s the time to confess your long-held ardor for me.
Go on, I’ll wait.
Go on, I’ll wait.
June 18, 2025 at 6:21 PM
It’s my birthday so now’s the time to confess your long-held ardor for me.
Go on, I’ll wait.
Go on, I’ll wait.
I love my brother because he sends me this shit on messenger, then follows it up with hot Ai-generated twunk versions of Woody and Buzz from Toy Story.
June 13, 2025 at 5:14 AM
I love my brother because he sends me this shit on messenger, then follows it up with hot Ai-generated twunk versions of Woody and Buzz from Toy Story.
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
PPB had a whole press conference about how they wouldn’t be clearing the ICE building for them to appease liberals worried about sanctuary violations and do some PR damage control. Bunch of empty word bullshit. PPB has been visibly present the entire night.
June 12, 2025 at 5:32 AM
PPB had a whole press conference about how they wouldn’t be clearing the ICE building for them to appease liberals worried about sanctuary violations and do some PR damage control. Bunch of empty word bullshit. PPB has been visibly present the entire night.
Shout-out to the old situationship who walked 10 blocks at midnight just to make out with me in front of my building, but a bigger shout out to the group of 20-year olds who catcalled us in Spanish and told us to “get a room” while also saying “god, I want that someday.”
May 24, 2025 at 3:25 PM
Shout-out to the old situationship who walked 10 blocks at midnight just to make out with me in front of my building, but a bigger shout out to the group of 20-year olds who catcalled us in Spanish and told us to “get a room” while also saying “god, I want that someday.”
I got to use the “if I had two nickels” quote today regarding people I’ve dated/been romantically attracted to. And for the worst reasons, as in “catching a federal case.”
May 16, 2025 at 8:13 PM
I got to use the “if I had two nickels” quote today regarding people I’ve dated/been romantically attracted to. And for the worst reasons, as in “catching a federal case.”
Y’all, @buttoven.bsky.social does some of the funniest, silliest, and sexiest comics out there. Can we please get this funded?
May 16, 2025 at 3:31 AM
Y’all, @buttoven.bsky.social does some of the funniest, silliest, and sexiest comics out there. Can we please get this funded?
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
92 years ago today the world’s only research institute about trans people was destroyed by the Nazis.
All transphobia is inherently fascist.
All transphobia is inherently fascist.
May 6, 2025 at 9:49 AM
92 years ago today the world’s only research institute about trans people was destroyed by the Nazis.
All transphobia is inherently fascist.
All transphobia is inherently fascist.
Eeee! This is the best grade I’ve ever had in a math class!
May 6, 2025 at 10:53 PM
Eeee! This is the best grade I’ve ever had in a math class!
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
🚨MUTUAL AID #PDX🚨
Danialle and her family are struggling. Her 4 year old grandbaby is once again in hospital after surgery yesterday.
(Crossposting for bsky)
Venn/C$hap: $pr3ttypr3ttygal
Danialle and her family are struggling. Her 4 year old grandbaby is once again in hospital after surgery yesterday.
(Crossposting for bsky)
Venn/C$hap: $pr3ttypr3ttygal
May 6, 2025 at 5:46 PM
🚨MUTUAL AID #PDX🚨
Danialle and her family are struggling. Her 4 year old grandbaby is once again in hospital after surgery yesterday.
(Crossposting for bsky)
Venn/C$hap: $pr3ttypr3ttygal
Danialle and her family are struggling. Her 4 year old grandbaby is once again in hospital after surgery yesterday.
(Crossposting for bsky)
Venn/C$hap: $pr3ttypr3ttygal
Reposted by Heaux Patrol
That Sexy Bear! is just over 5️⃣0️⃣% funded now! Have a friend that likes cheeky little comics? Or wants to become one with nature again? Send 'em on over this way: www.kickstarter.com/projects/iro...
May 5, 2025 at 9:39 PM
That Sexy Bear! is just over 5️⃣0️⃣% funded now! Have a friend that likes cheeky little comics? Or wants to become one with nature again? Send 'em on over this way: www.kickstarter.com/projects/iro...