I hope America is as lucky as the delta jet - everyone survives but the right wing explodes

Maybe I wasn’t clear about this. I wanted more egg and no plane crash, not many plane crash and no egg.

We're finally dismantling the federal government! Sure hope it doesn't serve essential functions that I've taken for granted my whole life

here’s my latest post. hope you give it a read and let me know what you think

more guillotines

so do we think the new season of severance took three years to make because of the two minute claymation scene or

Sincerely delighted to discover, 45 minutes into this nearly-wordless three-hour documentary about French monks who take vows of silence, that among the reasons they *can* talk is "to make sure the monastery cats know when it's mealtime by making little kitty-calling noises at them."

the "esc" key on a keyboard is a holdover from early-'90s personal computers. on some models it would dispense a can of escargot out of one of the unused drive bays. they put it in the corner so you wouldn't press it by accident because you only got three of them. i pushed it once and got grounded

my only expectation of the next four years is that trump forces tim cook to bring back the real gun emoji

those still saying woot: idk maybe try coke

twas the night before christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring. the risotto was ruined

I always forget that the brother in the Folgers commercial is excited for "real coffee" after coming back from "West Africa," one of the largest coffee-producing regions on earth

Me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like you

Kidnappers: like what

Me: what?

Kidnappers: like what skills

Me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he's asking what skills

Wife: ffs

going outside is so dope when it’s nice out. but inside is cool because that’s where you can plug in your electronics and watch tv shows. so i don’t know. hopefully this post wasted your time in some way

i have no problem separating the art from the artist. there are a ton of artists i love whose work completely sucks balls

Saxophone inventor: each button plays a different note

Trombone inventor: trombone goes WOOooooOOmp

if you’re not celebrating your jay leno anniversary, you might as well get divorced right now

luigi mangione giving the martian by andy weir five stars proves that he is, in fact, Just A Guy

Sometimes a 4/5 star film hits better than a 5/5 star film, don't ask me to explain it