Aspartame Valerian
@aspartame.bsky.social
>INVENTORY
You are carrying cup of coffee, tiny dog, stack of books, way too much information about hollow earth theory
You are carrying cup of coffee, tiny dog, stack of books, way too much information about hollow earth theory
Pinned
I've never seen a touch screen to choose the gasoline grade before. Is this common?
November 24, 2025 at 6:27 PM
I've never seen a touch screen to choose the gasoline grade before. Is this common?
Oh my goodness.
Mmm girl look at him.
He’s the cutest brother in here and he’s coming this way!
Mmm girl look at him.
He’s the cutest brother in here and he’s coming this way!
![Meme photo of Pope Francis (white man, silver hair, white skull cap, white papal vestments (clothing), eyes closed singing (?) into a microphone he is holding in his two hands.
Behind him are a gaggle of cardinals & other clergy like Beyonce’s back-up dancers.
[bluesky is just filling the timeline with supposed lyrics for the lulz]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:nsgyq5zg2xin7kutdegnt3k3/bafkreiaknjkhlxavcqjapc3qolshr6jg3wivrz3e5r2ymwoci7bex7gbzy@jpeg)
November 23, 2025 at 1:05 PM
Oh my goodness.
Mmm girl look at him.
He’s the cutest brother in here and he’s coming this way!
Mmm girl look at him.
He’s the cutest brother in here and he’s coming this way!
It doesn’t matter so much what you buy as long as your underpants are well-secured.
November 22, 2025 at 6:39 PM
It doesn’t matter so much what you buy as long as your underpants are well-secured.
Yesterday it was my pants. Today it's squeaky boots. I need to start shopping in the Stealth section.
The loudest noise on earth is my corduroys pants as I walk through a quiet office.
November 19, 2025 at 6:36 PM
Yesterday it was my pants. Today it's squeaky boots. I need to start shopping in the Stealth section.
Just did a Clifton Strengths assessment for my new job. Turns out I'm the shit. Honestly surprised that was even an option.
November 19, 2025 at 3:19 PM
Just did a Clifton Strengths assessment for my new job. Turns out I'm the shit. Honestly surprised that was even an option.
The loudest noise on earth is my corduroys pants as I walk through a quiet office.
November 18, 2025 at 7:08 PM
The loudest noise on earth is my corduroys pants as I walk through a quiet office.
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
what's your favorite song about your god being an awesome god
November 18, 2025 at 4:37 PM
what's your favorite song about your god being an awesome god
Lookest upon me not! - me to the open bag of Fritos on my desk
November 17, 2025 at 8:37 PM
Lookest upon me not! - me to the open bag of Fritos on my desk
"Big Earl here’s got a masters in sociology from Vanderbilt, and nothin’ makes Big Earl madder’n generational cycles of systemic violence."
theonion.com/not-sure-how...
theonion.com/not-sure-how...
Not Sure How They Deal With Criminals In Your Town, But ’Round Here We Use A Restorative Justice Process
Well, well, well. What have we got here? Another city slicker who thinks he can waltz into my town and start causin’ all sorts of trouble. I’d be careful if I was you, fella. Because however they do t...
theonion.com
November 17, 2025 at 2:21 PM
"Big Earl here’s got a masters in sociology from Vanderbilt, and nothin’ makes Big Earl madder’n generational cycles of systemic violence."
theonion.com/not-sure-how...
theonion.com/not-sure-how...
There’s a man at this bar sipping red wine and passionately watching the Alabama/Oklahoma game, destroying stereotypes I didn’t even know I had.
November 15, 2025 at 10:18 PM
There’s a man at this bar sipping red wine and passionately watching the Alabama/Oklahoma game, destroying stereotypes I didn’t even know I had.
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
Following this account is like microdosing acid.
November 15, 2025 at 9:40 PM
Following this account is like microdosing acid.
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
Look, this is a fun follow for some genuinely weird holiday artifacts. You should follow regardless of it helping out.
It's crass, but I'm asking for a small favor. I'm applying for a grant to help possibly turning the flash fiction conthology into an actual, physical book. If I get about 30 more followers on BSKY, I can truthfully say I have at least 1k followers on every big platform.
Mind asking your friends? ;)
Mind asking your friends? ;)
November 15, 2025 at 7:51 PM
Look, this is a fun follow for some genuinely weird holiday artifacts. You should follow regardless of it helping out.
I miss my dog. (Not dead, just staying with grandma and grandpa for a while.)
November 14, 2025 at 8:26 PM
I miss my dog. (Not dead, just staying with grandma and grandpa for a while.)
*2,000 years later* A hundred foot tall hologram of Box Nana is projected from a crystal matrix placed in the center of an immense amphitheater. Her acolytes excitedly hum, patting their empty tummies. The time is almost nigh.
November 14, 2025 at 3:36 PM
*2,000 years later* A hundred foot tall hologram of Box Nana is projected from a crystal matrix placed in the center of an immense amphitheater. Her acolytes excitedly hum, patting their empty tummies. The time is almost nigh.
My little fingies are cold. WHERE'S MY PARADE?
November 14, 2025 at 3:28 PM
My little fingies are cold. WHERE'S MY PARADE?
Little. Fuzzy. Sleepy.
November 9, 2025 at 2:24 PM
Little. Fuzzy. Sleepy.
Just deleted a draft while thinking "that joke is beneath me" like I'm some kind of goddamn prince.
November 7, 2025 at 7:57 PM
Just deleted a draft while thinking "that joke is beneath me" like I'm some kind of goddamn prince.
I'm never gonna buy off-brand post-its. This is my most bougie quality.
November 7, 2025 at 7:37 PM
I'm never gonna buy off-brand post-its. This is my most bougie quality.
It shouldn’t be forgotten that a big piece of Mamdani’s campaign was simply Just kidding, this is a different tweet.
November 7, 2025 at 5:36 PM
It shouldn’t be forgotten that a big piece of Mamdani’s campaign was simply Just kidding, this is a different tweet.
Had the absolute thrill of seeing one of the first (and best) authors I ever edited, @christinahenry.bsky.social, talking about her new horror book, The Place Where They Buried Your Heart, last night at Brookline Booksmith. Buy it and get freaked out!
November 7, 2025 at 3:18 PM
Had the absolute thrill of seeing one of the first (and best) authors I ever edited, @christinahenry.bsky.social, talking about her new horror book, The Place Where They Buried Your Heart, last night at Brookline Booksmith. Buy it and get freaked out!
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
Giraffic Park. same movie except giraffes instead of dinosaurs
November 6, 2025 at 10:05 PM
Giraffic Park. same movie except giraffes instead of dinosaurs
If hanging an excessive number of Pip photos in my cubicle is considered "ruining" work then yes, I guess I'm guilty.
November 6, 2025 at 6:09 PM
If hanging an excessive number of Pip photos in my cubicle is considered "ruining" work then yes, I guess I'm guilty.
Reposted by Aspartame Valerian
"CHICKEN FINGERS is bonded with another cat, CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS is a charming 20-lb Maine Coon mix who hates children, has moderate bowel incontinence, and only eats sushi-grade tuna. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS and CHICKEN FINGERS must be adopted together."
A Brief Questionnaire Before You Adopt This Rescue Cat
Thank you for your interest in CHICKEN FINGERS, an available cat with Furrever Rescue. Furrever Rescue currently has over a hundred cats that despe...
buff.ly
October 31, 2025 at 2:00 AM
"CHICKEN FINGERS is bonded with another cat, CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS is a charming 20-lb Maine Coon mix who hates children, has moderate bowel incontinence, and only eats sushi-grade tuna. CAPTAIN STINKY PANTS and CHICKEN FINGERS must be adopted together."