McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys.net
The official Bluesky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books.
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"As the White Walkers marched inexorably south, nearly 90 percent of the Realm insisted on calling them monsters, abominations, and evil incarnate. The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms cautioned against such language."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms
“As support for abolishing ICE grows among Democratic voters, party leadership continues to argue for reform instead.” —Salon - - -The Delegation t...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 7:27 PM
"As the White Walkers marched inexorably south, nearly 90 percent of the Realm insisted on calling them monsters, abominations, and evil incarnate. The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms cautioned against such language."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
"This all stahted way back in 872 when the king of Nahway, who was a real shit prick but a wicked good scrappah, was pickin’ fights all up n’ down the coast like he fuckin’ owned the place."
Norse History for Bostonians: Lesson 1: A Short History of the Norse Colonization of Greenland for Bostonians
So I’m tellin’ yah this all stahted way back in 872 when the king of Nahway, who was a real shit prick but a wicked good scrappah, was pickin’ figh...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 6:16 PM
"This all stahted way back in 872 when the king of Nahway, who was a real shit prick but a wicked good scrappah, was pickin’ fights all up n’ down the coast like he fuckin’ owned the place."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Cool Pig. Frogs always say that’s what they want. Cool Pig is cold. Cold-blooded, that is. A feat managed by sheer willpower overriding her mammalian biology and, also regular ice baths."
Miss Piggy Does the “Cool Girl” Monologue from Gone Girl
With apologies to Gillian Flynn. And Jim Henson. - - -Cool Pig. Frogs always say that’s what they want. Cool Pig is cold. Cold-blooded, that is. A ...
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January 17, 2026 at 2:20 AM
"Cool Pig. Frogs always say that’s what they want. Cool Pig is cold. Cold-blooded, that is. A feat managed by sheer willpower overriding her mammalian biology and, also regular ice baths."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Farmer Alfalfa grows corn and carrots and complex compounds like ivermectin. He keeps some for his family. Most of it goes to Inspector Goldbug, who inspects the farm and explains which parts belong to the government."
Richard Scarry’s What Do People Do All Day in Fascist Busytown?
Welcome to Fascist Busytown. My, what a compliant, orderly town! In Fascist Busytown, everyone works. Working is important. Work makes everything r...
buff.ly
January 18, 2026 at 2:30 PM
"Farmer Alfalfa grows corn and carrots and complex compounds like ivermectin. He keeps some for his family. Most of it goes to Inspector Goldbug, who inspects the farm and explains which parts belong to the government."
"Now there’s a better way to deal with a senior parent or relative that won’t wait just a goddamn hour until you’re there to help them get something from the top of the closet."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Introducing Elder Cushion: The Bubble Wrap for Seniors
It happens to us all. One day, your mom is telling you to be careful when climbing a tree, and the next day, she’s a seventy-five-year-old standing...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 4:21 PM
"Now there’s a better way to deal with a senior parent or relative that won’t wait just a goddamn hour until you’re there to help them get something from the top of the closet."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Reposted by McSweeney's
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Your justice has layers. Of course, my favorite musical is the hopeful reimagining of America’s birth, Hamilton. The good news is I work in the room where it happens. The bad news is the room is in hell, and Amy Coney Barrett keeps trying to touch my cowrie shells."
With America on My Last Fucking Nerve, I, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, Dissent
You know me as the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. Over the past three years, I’ve tried changing the system from within. I’ve wri...
buff.ly
January 18, 2026 at 4:01 PM
"Your justice has layers. Of course, my favorite musical is the hopeful reimagining of America’s birth, Hamilton. The good news is I work in the room where it happens. The bad news is the room is in hell, and Amy Coney Barrett keeps trying to touch my cowrie shells."
"Like any hunting man worth his salt, I was wearing camouflage—that swirly brown-and-green stuff you sometimes see on bandanas."
Poorly Researched Men’s Fiction
I had a whole gaggle of 100-point bucks in my sights, sleeping peacefully on their feet, like cows. The way they were lined up, I could take down t...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 2:30 PM
"Like any hunting man worth his salt, I was wearing camouflage—that swirly brown-and-green stuff you sometimes see on bandanas."
"Jessica M. led a discussion on making signs for the next protest. Debate over whether or not to censor the f-word. Will decide at next meeting. Discussed the need to move on from puns on 'Hamilton' lyrics."
Wine Mom Gang Meeting Minutes
“What we are seeing across the country as organized gangs of wine moms use Antifa tactics to harass and impede Immigration and Customs Enforcement ...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 2:02 PM
"Jessica M. led a discussion on making signs for the next protest. Debate over whether or not to censor the f-word. Will decide at next meeting. Discussed the need to move on from puns on 'Hamilton' lyrics."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"It can’t be too long until IT HAPPENS. Looking at the data (age, high-stress job, cardiac history), it is statistically plausible that IT will HAPPEN in the next thirty-six months. Eighteen, if you factor in hamburger consumption and all the weird bruising."
When It Happens
Our 14th most-read article of 2025. - - -It’s been so long, you sometimes forget that eventually, IT will HAPPEN. It’s impossible to say when IT w...
buff.ly
January 19, 2026 at 2:00 AM
"It can’t be too long until IT HAPPENS. Looking at the data (age, high-stress job, cardiac history), it is statistically plausible that IT will HAPPEN in the next thirty-six months. Eighteen, if you factor in hamburger consumption and all the weird bruising."
"Last week, a man called me an 'entitled jackass.' I smiled. In that moment, I became his mirror, reflecting the parts of himself he hasn’t yet forgiven. His horn was his confession. My lane change was his redemption arc."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hi-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hi-...
Hi, I’m the Guy Who Gets in the Straight Lane and Then Merges into the Turn Lane Just to Avoid Traffic
Hi, my name’s Kyle. Yes, I get in whatever lane has fewer cars and then merge. I merge late so others can practice forgiveness. I don’t see it as c...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 1:30 PM
"Last week, a man called me an 'entitled jackass.' I smiled. In that moment, I became his mirror, reflecting the parts of himself he hasn’t yet forgiven. His horn was his confession. My lane change was his redemption arc."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hi-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hi-...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"I predict that by the 21st century, our society will have made so much progress that we won't have to talk about race anymore. In fact, the people who still talk about racism will be the REAL racists!"
Fake MLK Quotes Your Stepdad Gary Posted to Prove He’s Definitely Not a Racist
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buff.ly
January 19, 2026 at 7:01 PM
"I predict that by the 21st century, our society will have made so much progress that we won't have to talk about race anymore. In fact, the people who still talk about racism will be the REAL racists!"
"In these uncertain times, you need a steady hand at the wheel... You don’t have that person. But good news: You have me, a uniquely well-qualified ball of anxiety, ready to worry about the fact that you don’t have that person."
I Will Be Your Chief Executive Worrier
In these uncertain times, you need a steady hand at the wheel. An unblinking beacon of sure-footed decisiveness. A fearless, damn-the-torpedoes lea...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 3:00 AM
"In these uncertain times, you need a steady hand at the wheel... You don’t have that person. But good news: You have me, a uniquely well-qualified ball of anxiety, ready to worry about the fact that you don’t have that person."
BLACK SEADEVIL ANGLERFISH
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
These Deep-Sea Creatures Liked You on Hinge
Black seadevil anglerfish Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty ti...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 2:40 AM
BLACK SEADEVIL ANGLERFISH
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
Reposted by McSweeney's
A rare blend of humor and despair.
“I’m the least racist person you have ever interviewed.”
Who Said It: Donald Trump or Martin Luther King Jr.?
1. “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But by all means, keep moving.” 2. “Why would Kim Jong ...
buff.ly
January 19, 2026 at 4:24 PM
A rare blend of humor and despair.
"A writing career is not a sprint. It is also not a marathon. A writing career is one of those wilderness survival challenges where they dump you in the woods without a map or a compass or food and whoever finds their way out wins."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
How to Become a Professional Writer
Do you enjoy writing? Do you like the idea of taking the thing you love doing the most in the world and turning it into work? So that your access t...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 2:20 AM
"A writing career is not a sprint. It is also not a marathon. A writing career is one of those wilderness survival challenges where they dump you in the woods without a map or a compass or food and whoever finds their way out wins."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
"Attend department potluck; singlehandedly polish off a bottle of wine and start unabashedly on a second."
Action Items On Your Radical Professor’s Liberal Agenda
Figure out pithy and original ways to write the comment “you need to support your claims” in the margins of 72 term papers. - - -Debate how old the...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 2:00 AM
"Attend department potluck; singlehandedly polish off a bottle of wine and start unabashedly on a second."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Damn McSweeney's always has one loaded in the chamber 🤌
"Our administration supports protesting against any government except our own."
We Support Protesting Against Any Authoritarian Government Except Our Own
"President Trump called on Iranians on Tuesday to keep protesting against their government and warned that those responsible for killing demonstrat...
buff.ly
January 19, 2026 at 2:07 PM
Damn McSweeney's always has one loaded in the chamber 🤌
Reposted by McSweeney's
Re-upping this @mcsweeneys.net piece that doesn’t seem to go out of style. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/new...
January 19, 2026 at 10:21 PM
Re-upping this @mcsweeneys.net piece that doesn’t seem to go out of style. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/new...
Reposted by McSweeney's
Like all the best satire, this stings a little.
"Farmer Alfalfa grows corn and carrots and complex compounds like ivermectin. He keeps some for his family. Most of it goes to Inspector Goldbug, who inspects the farm and explains which parts belong to the government."
Richard Scarry’s What Do People Do All Day in Fascist Busytown?
Welcome to Fascist Busytown. My, what a compliant, orderly town! In Fascist Busytown, everyone works. Working is important. Work makes everything r...
buff.ly
January 18, 2026 at 2:49 PM
Like all the best satire, this stings a little.
Reposted by McSweeney's
In last week's newsletter @jamesfolta.com and I rounded up great writing by Tiffany Harris in @mcsweeneys.net, Cameron Vanderwerf in @wigleaf.bsky.social, and Jackie Halldorsson and Jason Garramone in @pointsincase.com.
Check it out and subscribe 👇
Check it out and subscribe 👇
A Newsletter of Humorous Writing
by Luke Burns & James Folta A weekly newsletter dedicated to humorous writing and humorous writers. We round up the best short humor pieces and funny articles every week, and have some fun extras ever...
buttondown.com
January 19, 2026 at 9:27 PM
In last week's newsletter @jamesfolta.com and I rounded up great writing by Tiffany Harris in @mcsweeneys.net, Cameron Vanderwerf in @wigleaf.bsky.social, and Jackie Halldorsson and Jason Garramone in @pointsincase.com.
Check it out and subscribe 👇
Check it out and subscribe 👇
Reposted by McSweeney's
"It’s not all bad. I like Buffalo wings, and the Bills are pretty good this season. Sure, I’m grading five hundred papers a week and living in a 1990 Honda Civic, but at least I get to hold my office hours in the campus Starbucks."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-d...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-d...
I Drank from the Wrong Holy Grail and Now I’m an Adjunct Professor of Comparative Literature
I was on vacation with the wife and kids. A week away from the office, not checking my messages, spending all day by the pool. Real nice time. Last...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 19, 2026 at 2:30 AM
"It’s not all bad. I like Buffalo wings, and the Bills are pretty good this season. Sure, I’m grading five hundred papers a week and living in a 1990 Honda Civic, but at least I get to hold my office hours in the campus Starbucks."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-d...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-d...
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Stephanie found bulletproof backpacks for her kids; they might make cute diaper bags for self-defense. Milk is soothing after pepper spray. Breast milk even better? Save post-meeting pump-and-dump?"
Wine Mom Gang Meeting Minutes
“What we are seeing across the country as organized gangs of wine moms use Antifa tactics to harass and impede Immigration and Customs Enforcement ...
buff.ly
January 18, 2026 at 3:01 PM
"Stephanie found bulletproof backpacks for her kids; they might make cute diaper bags for self-defense. Milk is soothing after pepper spray. Breast milk even better? Save post-meeting pump-and-dump?"
"I predict that by the 21st century, our society will have made so much progress that we won't have to talk about race anymore. In fact, the people who still talk about racism will be the REAL racists!"
Fake MLK Quotes Your Stepdad Gary Posted to Prove He’s Definitely Not a Racist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
buff.ly
January 19, 2026 at 7:01 PM
"I predict that by the 21st century, our society will have made so much progress that we won't have to talk about race anymore. In fact, the people who still talk about racism will be the REAL racists!"
"On this, MLK’s birthday or death day, or maybe the day he gave some big speech or whatever, we celebrate a civil rights icon whose activism and sacrifice serve as a stirring antithesis to me, my regressive policies, and everything my party stands for."
Today We Honor Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a Great Man Who Stood For Everything That I, a Political Conservative, Oppose
If you’ve seen my inspirational social media post, you already know that I, a conservative politician, am a huge fan of Dr. King. On this, MLK’s bi...
buff.ly
January 19, 2026 at 5:30 PM
"On this, MLK’s birthday or death day, or maybe the day he gave some big speech or whatever, we celebrate a civil rights icon whose activism and sacrifice serve as a stirring antithesis to me, my regressive policies, and everything my party stands for."