McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys.net
The official Bluesky feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books.
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Reposted by McSweeney's
Nailed it. McSweeney's for the win.
i especially love the "...won't wait just a goddamn hour until you're there to help them..." part
My mom's obsession with getting the trash out to the corner knows no fucking bounds. Already broke her hip once doing it. Will do it again without this bubble wrap
i especially love the "...won't wait just a goddamn hour until you're there to help them..." part
My mom's obsession with getting the trash out to the corner knows no fucking bounds. Already broke her hip once doing it. Will do it again without this bubble wrap
"Now there’s a better way to deal with a senior parent or relative that won’t wait just a goddamn hour until you’re there to help them get something from the top of the closet."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Introducing Elder Cushion: The Bubble Wrap for Seniors
It happens to us all. One day, your mom is telling you to be careful when climbing a tree, and the next day, she’s a seventy-five-year-old standing...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 4:56 PM
Nailed it. McSweeney's for the win.
i especially love the "...won't wait just a goddamn hour until you're there to help them..." part
My mom's obsession with getting the trash out to the corner knows no fucking bounds. Already broke her hip once doing it. Will do it again without this bubble wrap
i especially love the "...won't wait just a goddamn hour until you're there to help them..." part
My mom's obsession with getting the trash out to the corner knows no fucking bounds. Already broke her hip once doing it. Will do it again without this bubble wrap
"I blink, and suddenly I’m standing in front of a room of college kids. Most of them are sleeping on their backpacks. I’m talking about some guy named Alain Robbe-Grillet and telling everybody that their essays were due three weeks ago."
I Drank from the Wrong Holy Grail and Now I’m an Adjunct Professor of Comparative Literature
I was on vacation with the wife and kids. A week away from the office, not checking my messages, spending all day by the pool. Real nice time. Last...
buff.ly
January 21, 2026 at 2:47 AM
"I blink, and suddenly I’m standing in front of a room of college kids. Most of them are sleeping on their backpacks. I’m talking about some guy named Alain Robbe-Grillet and telling everybody that their essays were due three weeks ago."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"As the White Walkers marched inexorably south, nearly 90 percent of the Realm insisted on calling them monsters, abominations, and evil incarnate. The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms cautioned against such language."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms
“As support for abolishing ICE grows among Democratic voters, party leadership continues to argue for reform instead.” —Salon - - -The Delegation t...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 7:27 PM
"As the White Walkers marched inexorably south, nearly 90 percent of the Realm insisted on calling them monsters, abominations, and evil incarnate. The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms cautioned against such language."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
"Sad to write this, very sad, but after what happened with the McDonald's Monopoly game (TOTAL ROBBERY! Everyone knows I should have won), I no longer feel bound by the outdated, very weak concept of 'lovin’ it.'"
Trump’s Letter to Mayor McCheese Demanding the Sale of McDonaldland
“In a text message over the weekend, President Trump told Jonas Gahr Store, Norway’s prime minister, that since being denied the Nobel Peace Prize,...
buff.ly
January 21, 2026 at 2:20 AM
"Sad to write this, very sad, but after what happened with the McDonald's Monopoly game (TOTAL ROBBERY! Everyone knows I should have won), I no longer feel bound by the outdated, very weak concept of 'lovin’ it.'"
"I’ve got to be the cleanest—I think I’m the most honest human being, perhaps, that God has ever created.”
Who Said It: Donald Trump or Martin Luther King Jr.?
1. “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But by all means, keep moving.” 2. “Why would Kim Jong ...
buff.ly
January 21, 2026 at 2:00 AM
"I’ve got to be the cleanest—I think I’m the most honest human being, perhaps, that God has ever created.”
Reposted by McSweeney's
"We are located directly between the recycling facility and the abandoned mattress warehouse in the deepest depths of the borough. When it looks like you’ve somehow stumbled onto the set of the 1981 film Escape from New York, you’ll know you’re in the right place."
Welcome to Blast Zone 66
Welcome to Blast Zone 66, Brooklyn’s ultimate adventure gym/future site of a grim 20/20 news segment. We’re the only place in the city where you ca...
buff.ly
January 17, 2026 at 2:30 PM
"We are located directly between the recycling facility and the abandoned mattress warehouse in the deepest depths of the borough. When it looks like you’ve somehow stumbled onto the set of the 1981 film Escape from New York, you’ll know you’re in the right place."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"We will be monitoring the situation in Iran and making preparations to assist the protesters, while continuing to crack down on the domestic agitators trying to destroy America."
We Support Protesting Against Any Authoritarian Government Except Our Own
"President Trump called on Iranians on Tuesday to keep protesting against their government and warned that those responsible for killing demonstrat...
buff.ly
January 17, 2026 at 3:30 PM
"We will be monitoring the situation in Iran and making preparations to assist the protesters, while continuing to crack down on the domestic agitators trying to destroy America."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Is this time-effective? Of course not. We’re dispersing the labor previously done by one person across five paid employees and hundreds of parents and guardians. But is it cost-effective? Also, no."
Our School District Can Now Keep Track of Your Child with Just Three Terrible Apps
Other than lawsuits, losing track of a child is every school district’s worst nightmare. We haven’t lost anyone yet, but an EdTech company has pain...
buff.ly
January 17, 2026 at 4:01 PM
"Is this time-effective? Of course not. We’re dispersing the labor previously done by one person across five paid employees and hundreds of parents and guardians. But is it cost-effective? Also, no."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"I'm been sent to the fields to help manage the soybean fires. We are given no personal protective equipment. I momentarily pantomime being the dog-drinking-coffee-in-a-fire-meme, popping a squat and shouting, 'THIS IS FINE!' None of the others assigned to soybean fire detail laugh.
My Whimsical, Millennial, Meme-Addled Youth Did Not Set Me Up for Success in the New American Dystopia
DAY 1 The secret police appear at my door and drag me from my apartment. “What about my desert island discs?” I shout, thinking this will get a lau...
buff.ly
January 17, 2026 at 7:31 PM
"I'm been sent to the fields to help manage the soybean fires. We are given no personal protective equipment. I momentarily pantomime being the dog-drinking-coffee-in-a-fire-meme, popping a squat and shouting, 'THIS IS FINE!' None of the others assigned to soybean fire detail laugh.
Reposted by McSweeney's
"No, I did not think through what I will do for work here. That was not on my three-day itinerary, so please do not ask."
Moving to This City I Idealized Will Surely Solve All My Problems
Life’s been pretty tough for me lately. Not tough in the sense of any devastating financial hardship, or dire medical diagnosis, or profound loss, ...
buff.ly
January 18, 2026 at 2:00 AM
"No, I did not think through what I will do for work here. That was not on my three-day itinerary, so please do not ask."
Reposted by McSweeney's
Gawd, that is so. Fucking. True.
"A writing career is not a sprint. It is also not a marathon. A writing career is one of those wilderness survival challenges where they dump you in the woods without a map or a compass or food and whoever finds their way out wins."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how...
How to Become a Professional Writer
Do you enjoy writing? Do you like the idea of taking the thing you love doing the most in the world and turning it into work? So that your access t...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 4:59 AM
Gawd, that is so. Fucking. True.
Reposted by McSweeney's
More therapy-thru-writing from me up at @mcsweeneys.net today.
"As the White Walkers marched inexorably south, nearly 90 percent of the Realm insisted on calling them monsters, abominations, and evil incarnate. The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms cautioned against such language."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms
“As support for abolishing ICE grows among Democratic voters, party leadership continues to argue for reform instead.” —Salon - - -The Delegation t...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 8:25 PM
More therapy-thru-writing from me up at @mcsweeneys.net today.
Reposted by McSweeney's
I wrote this for those of us who've told a loved one to get down from a ladder, and those of us who will soon be told to get down from a ladder by our children. Stay safe, people.
"Now there’s a better way to deal with a senior parent or relative that won’t wait just a goddamn hour until you’re there to help them get something from the top of the closet."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Introducing Elder Cushion: The Bubble Wrap for Seniors
It happens to us all. One day, your mom is telling you to be careful when climbing a tree, and the next day, she’s a seventy-five-year-old standing...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 4:30 PM
I wrote this for those of us who've told a loved one to get down from a ladder, and those of us who will soon be told to get down from a ladder by our children. Stay safe, people.
Welp, it's been one year. He's up over 580 cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes since he was sworn in. Here's the index to each month we've catalogued thus far. The list for December 2025 will be out later this week.
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes
Lest We Forget the Horrors: An Unending Catalog of Trump’s Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 9:05 PM
Welp, it's been one year. He's up over 580 cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes since he was sworn in. Here's the index to each month we've catalogued thus far. The list for December 2025 will be out later this week.
Reposted by McSweeney's
This is actually delightful. Highly recommend:
"We have checked our inventory thoroughly, and we no longer have any shits left to give. We only had a small amount of shits left at the end of last year, and now we’ve found that the most recent news cycles have completely emptied us out."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/faq...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/faq...
FAQ: The Status of the Shits Women Have Left to Give
Q: I was wondering: how much of a shit do women give about what conservative old white dudes say about them? A: Thanks for contacting us. We have c...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 18, 2026 at 5:49 AM
This is actually delightful. Highly recommend:
Reposted by McSweeney's
BLACK SEADEVIL ANGLERFISH
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
These Deep-Sea Creatures Liked You on Hinge
Black seadevil anglerfish Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty ti...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 2:40 AM
BLACK SEADEVIL ANGLERFISH
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
(Twenty-five-years-old, monogamous, wants children)
What I’m looking for: A confident, independent female roughly twenty times my size with a dangly, glowing orb attached to her forehead.
"As the White Walkers marched inexorably south, nearly 90 percent of the Realm insisted on calling them monsters, abominations, and evil incarnate. The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms cautioned against such language."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms
“As support for abolishing ICE grows among Democratic voters, party leadership continues to argue for reform instead.” —Salon - - -The Delegation t...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 7:27 PM
"As the White Walkers marched inexorably south, nearly 90 percent of the Realm insisted on calling them monsters, abominations, and evil incarnate. The Democrats of the Seven Kingdoms cautioned against such language."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...
"This all stahted way back in 872 when the king of Nahway, who was a real shit prick but a wicked good scrappah, was pickin’ fights all up n’ down the coast like he fuckin’ owned the place."
Norse History for Bostonians: Lesson 1: A Short History of the Norse Colonization of Greenland for Bostonians
So I’m tellin’ yah this all stahted way back in 872 when the king of Nahway, who was a real shit prick but a wicked good scrappah, was pickin’ figh...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 6:16 PM
"This all stahted way back in 872 when the king of Nahway, who was a real shit prick but a wicked good scrappah, was pickin’ fights all up n’ down the coast like he fuckin’ owned the place."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Cool Pig. Frogs always say that’s what they want. Cool Pig is cold. Cold-blooded, that is. A feat managed by sheer willpower overriding her mammalian biology and, also regular ice baths."
Miss Piggy Does the “Cool Girl” Monologue from Gone Girl
With apologies to Gillian Flynn. And Jim Henson. - - -Cool Pig. Frogs always say that’s what they want. Cool Pig is cold. Cold-blooded, that is. A ...
buff.ly
January 17, 2026 at 2:20 AM
"Cool Pig. Frogs always say that’s what they want. Cool Pig is cold. Cold-blooded, that is. A feat managed by sheer willpower overriding her mammalian biology and, also regular ice baths."
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Farmer Alfalfa grows corn and carrots and complex compounds like ivermectin. He keeps some for his family. Most of it goes to Inspector Goldbug, who inspects the farm and explains which parts belong to the government."
Richard Scarry’s What Do People Do All Day in Fascist Busytown?
Welcome to Fascist Busytown. My, what a compliant, orderly town! In Fascist Busytown, everyone works. Working is important. Work makes everything r...
buff.ly
January 18, 2026 at 2:30 PM
"Farmer Alfalfa grows corn and carrots and complex compounds like ivermectin. He keeps some for his family. Most of it goes to Inspector Goldbug, who inspects the farm and explains which parts belong to the government."
"Now there’s a better way to deal with a senior parent or relative that won’t wait just a goddamn hour until you’re there to help them get something from the top of the closet."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Introducing Elder Cushion: The Bubble Wrap for Seniors
It happens to us all. One day, your mom is telling you to be careful when climbing a tree, and the next day, she’s a seventy-five-year-old standing...
www.mcsweeneys.net
January 20, 2026 at 4:21 PM
"Now there’s a better way to deal with a senior parent or relative that won’t wait just a goddamn hour until you’re there to help them get something from the top of the closet."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/int...
Reposted by McSweeney's
Reposted by McSweeney's
"Your justice has layers. Of course, my favorite musical is the hopeful reimagining of America’s birth, Hamilton. The good news is I work in the room where it happens. The bad news is the room is in hell, and Amy Coney Barrett keeps trying to touch my cowrie shells."
With America on My Last Fucking Nerve, I, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, Dissent
You know me as the first Black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. Over the past three years, I’ve tried changing the system from within. I’ve wri...
buff.ly
January 18, 2026 at 4:01 PM
"Your justice has layers. Of course, my favorite musical is the hopeful reimagining of America’s birth, Hamilton. The good news is I work in the room where it happens. The bad news is the room is in hell, and Amy Coney Barrett keeps trying to touch my cowrie shells."
"Like any hunting man worth his salt, I was wearing camouflage—that swirly brown-and-green stuff you sometimes see on bandanas."
Poorly Researched Men’s Fiction
I had a whole gaggle of 100-point bucks in my sights, sleeping peacefully on their feet, like cows. The way they were lined up, I could take down t...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 2:30 PM
"Like any hunting man worth his salt, I was wearing camouflage—that swirly brown-and-green stuff you sometimes see on bandanas."
"Jessica M. led a discussion on making signs for the next protest. Debate over whether or not to censor the f-word. Will decide at next meeting. Discussed the need to move on from puns on 'Hamilton' lyrics."
Wine Mom Gang Meeting Minutes
“What we are seeing across the country as organized gangs of wine moms use Antifa tactics to harass and impede Immigration and Customs Enforcement ...
buff.ly
January 20, 2026 at 2:02 PM
"Jessica M. led a discussion on making signs for the next protest. Debate over whether or not to censor the f-word. Will decide at next meeting. Discussed the need to move on from puns on 'Hamilton' lyrics."