Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1h

"A group of people who only remember 'the cover was blue' is called a patron."

A group of librarians is called a cardigan. A collection of empty chairs is called an author reading. A collection of Eric Carle books covered in s...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3h

"My first scene is on the Hogwarts Express, where I scold a male student for transforming into a butter churn that’s a little too female-presenting."

I’m Thrilled to Announce I’ve Been Cast as Stickles the Gender-Policing Elf in HBO Max’s New Harry Potter Series

The rumors are true: I’m overjoyed and not at all ashamed to share that I’ll be joining the HBO Max Harry Potter family as Stickles the Gender-Poli...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3h

"ANIMAL WRITE LETTER. CORPORATE ASK FOR CALM HR MEMO. ANIMAL DROP TRUTH BOMB. NEWS WEAK. NEWS SHIVER IN FEAR. TOO MUCH THINK. TOO MUCH WOKE. NEWS NEED DRUM SMASH TO FACE. ANIMAL SEE THIS. ANIMAL FEEL THIS."

“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief

“[Editor-in-chief of CBS News] Bari Weiss told network staffers in a morning editorial call that she wants to ‘win’ before delivering a rallying cr...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?

Nihilistic Password Security Questions

What is the name of your least favorite child? In what year did you abandon your dreams? What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress? At what...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 4h

"If there’s a bathroom code, you’d better have it. Otherwise, everyone in the store gets arrested and deported. It doesn’t matter where you are from. As far as the US government is concerned, you are antifa."

Please Let Our Warfighters Use Your Restroom

By now, you’ve noticed our brave patriots—ICE, the National Guard, police officers, select local mall cops, rando bodyguards, weird little incels, ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 4h

"I’m an engineer, so I have an objective, scientific view of the world. Everything I do is thought out and logical, and it means I won’t ever have the desire to surround myself with MBAs and yes-men who let me win at Catan."

Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO

I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 5h

"There are no analogies in this book. No symbolism or any other kind of radical left ideology. No one majors in humanities, and no professors get tenure."

Finally, a Book That Cannot Be Banned

This is a good book. It has a cover and many pages. This book is endorsed by parents and is church-friendly. It is clean and full of Grace, as in i...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

juli @julidianne.bsky.social · 1d

As a Dartmouth alum who only wanted to attend Dartmouth, whose parents met at UCONN, I’m feeling extremely personally attacked here 😂

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"First of all, let me quickly say to all the non-Dartmouth Admissions officers: I liked your schools fine, and this has no bearing on you. Just understand, I have decided to use this platform to tell Dartmouth how all-in I am on them."

My Common App Essay: “Every School Reading This Except Dartmouth Sucks Ass”

PROMPT: Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome? The summer after f...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 16h

"My sympathies. I am sorry your sister had such a terrible experience. But she admits she’d invited him into her apartment before this, right?"

I Am Just Trying to Have a Civil Online Conversation About Vampires

Whoa there! That’s a pretty extreme claim. Surely you don’t mean to call ALL vampires “blood-sucking ghouls?” Have you ever donated to a blood bank...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 16h

We LOVED Diane Keaton. RIP.

I Am Diane Keaton’s Crisp White Shirt

I am perfect in shape and form. I am immaculate, woven by gods from fibers of cotton and Nancy Meyers’ discarded screenplays. Sent from above to si...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 17h

"Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of 'Diff’rent Strokes.'"

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 22h

"The cocktail menu looks pretty spectacular too. Lots of drinks with artisanal ice cubes, questionably sourced rim accoutrement, and six-to-twelve ingredients never before seen in libations, all served in kitschy glassware shaped like 'mini bird baths.'"

The World Is Burning, But Want to Meet Up for Thirty-Four-Dollar Cocktails?

Want to get drinks next week? I know everything’s kind of crazy right now, so no pressure. There’s a cool new bar I read about—fine, saw a TikTok f...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 23h

QUEEN GERTRUDE
(places her hand on HALL’s chest)

Stay, you lion-maned pair, tell me
Of your distant City of Brotherly Love,
That we may, as they say, get to know
The heft and measure of each other’s thoughts.

HALL
I can’t go for that.

OATES
No can do.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and Hall and Oates

ACT II, SCENE II Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, ROSENCRANTZ, GUILDENSTERN, HALL, OATES, and Attendants. KING CLAUDIUS Welcome, gentlemen; our...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Where are your public toilets? I have come to make their lines so long you will never be able to pee again. This might be the way you die, like a cartoon character, the whites of your eyes filling from the bottom with yellow."

I Am the Overtourist and I’m Here to Marry Your Town

I am the Overtourist. I’m here to overtour your picturesque town or world-class city. Shooting water pistols at me only hydrates and emboldens me. ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Can you be certain about the pumpkin’s gender? You see that the cartoon pumpkin has a prominent Adam’s apple. Good sign. Even better, the pumpkin is punching an effeminate black cat. There’s no ambiguity that this drink is for men."

Pumpkin Spice: Now For Men

You’re a man. You’re into man stuff, like weed wackers, sports that cause brain damage, and getting hired by your dad’s golf friends. But it’s autu...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"What’s that sound? All I hear is the sound of you not eating a bucket of eggs. That eggless silence is the worst sound in the world."

You Don’t Eat Enough Protein and It Sickens Me

Do you eat enough protein in a day? Don’t even bother answering, because I know the answer is no. But don’t worry, I’m kind of a protein guy. I can...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

The Nicest of the Damned @tyrannosaurus-ritt.bsky.social · 1d

This one got me good

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

“I’m surprised you don’t know this, since you’re a doctor,” I said, “But NOT letting your monkeys jump on the bed actually has far worse consequences. I saw a twenty-seven-part TikTok about it."

I’m a MAHA Mom, and Here’s Why I Won’t Stop My Monkeys from Jumping on the Bed—No Matter What the Doctor Says

I’m a proud mother of five who is obsessed with keeping her monkeys healthy. Some people think it’s crazy how much time I spend making sure everyth...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

Trump Tower:

UPRIGHT: Nope!
REVERSED: Yep, still bad!

Tarot Readings for Life in the Big, Soul-Crushing City

Life in the big city can be many things. But mostly it is hard, expensive, and exhausting. Occasionally, it can smell like poop. Above all, it is c...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

MYTH: The President “brandished” an assault rifle.

FACT: Semi-automatic rifles like the Colt AR-15 are not assault rifles; they do not have burst or fully automatic firing capabilities.

GOP Talking Points for President Trump’s Fifth Avenue Massacre

Press reports have given currency to flat-out falsehoods about the Executive Action. MYTH: The President “brandished” an assault rifle. FACT: Semi...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

FREDDIE: I got Geese.

EDDIE: Goose?

FREDDIE: No, Geese.

EDDIE: More than one?

FREDDIE: It’s just the one. Geese.

EDDIE: I’m saying. Geese is more than Goose.

FREDDIE: I’m glad you think so. I tried for Goose, too, but no luck.

Freddie and Eddie, the Nation’s Leading Temu Abbott and Costello, in “Dat Bird!”

“Goose is a jam band. Geese is indie rock. They both have new albums. They’re also both on tour. Confused? We can help.” — New York Times - - -FRED...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

Geri Reid @gerireid.com · 1d

This remains one of my all time favourite pieces of writing.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 19d

IT IS TIME.

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers

First published on October 9, 2009, this classic by Colin Nissan is our most-read article of all time. We’re celebrating the 16th anniversary of th...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"A giant military parade is just a fun, wholesome way to celebrate the birthday of America’s commander in chief. Claim otherwise, and we’ll be forced to send the National Guard to your city until you wise up."

We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You

President Trump had another successful week of what is already the greatest presidency of all time, and yet, the woke leftist mob continues to deli...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"I’m getting chills, and they’re multiplying just thinking about those jaws hitting the floor when they see I look exactly the same, going, 'Like for real, man, this is freaking me out, what the hell is going on with you?'"

Danny Zuko’s Internal Monologue as He Heads to Rydell High’s Thirtieth Reunion

Jacket? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Well, obviously, you’re driving, you big gavone. Okay, Danny, this is gonna be your night. They’re gonna be sho...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

“I’m surprised you don’t know this, since you’re a doctor,” I said, “But NOT letting your monkeys jump on the bed actually has far worse consequences. I saw a twenty-seven-part TikTok about it."

I’m a MAHA Mom, and Here’s Why I Won’t Stop My Monkeys from Jumping on the Bed—No Matter What the Doctor Says

I’m a proud mother of five who is obsessed with keeping her monkeys healthy. Some people think it’s crazy how much time I spend making sure everyth...

buff.ly

1 28 110

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"First of all, let me quickly say to all the non-Dartmouth Admissions officers: I liked your schools fine, and this has no bearing on you. Just understand, I have decided to use this platform to tell Dartmouth how all-in I am on them."

My Common App Essay: “Every School Reading This Except Dartmouth Sucks Ass”

PROMPT: Reflect on a time when you questioned or challenged a belief or idea. What prompted your thinking? What was the outcome? The summer after f...

buff.ly

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