Ian Miles Schlong
@tedcruznipples.com
Area man, unfortunately
Bluesky’s #1 Ken Bone hater
in Los Angeles
he/him
Bluesky’s #1 Ken Bone hater
in Los Angeles
he/him
Pinned
Ian Miles Schlong
@tedcruznipples.com
· Jan 24
Everything is the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen
I can’t tell Trump how to do his job — but if I were president and this happened to me, I would probably find the nearest bottle of sleeping pills and quickly ingest the entire contents
Gallup poll | 11/3-11/25
President Trump approval
Disapprove 60% (+6)
Approve 36% (-5)
news.gallup.com/poll/699221/...
President Trump approval
Disapprove 60% (+6)
Approve 36% (-5)
news.gallup.com/poll/699221/...
November 28, 2025 at 6:55 PM
I can’t tell Trump how to do his job — but if I were president and this happened to me, I would probably find the nearest bottle of sleeping pills and quickly ingest the entire contents
Reposted by Ian Miles Schlong
Hi everybody,
It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships.
Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post.
This is, somehow, feasible.
So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.
It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships.
Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post.
This is, somehow, feasible.
So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.
Join The Onion
Don’t just read the news. Feel it. Be among the first to feel the news.
membership.theonion.com
November 28, 2025 at 4:39 PM
Hi everybody,
It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships.
Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post.
This is, somehow, feasible.
So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.
It's Black Friday, a big day for us at The Onion, since we rely almost entirely on your memberships.
Our goal for 2026? More print subscribers than the Washington Post.
This is, somehow, feasible.
So sign up! A year of print is $75 for the year today. Help us do a very funny thing.
My parents used to sit at the breakfast table and read the morning paper. I sit at the breakfast table and scroll the morning shitposts. We are not the same.
November 28, 2025 at 2:49 PM
My parents used to sit at the breakfast table and read the morning paper. I sit at the breakfast table and scroll the morning shitposts. We are not the same.
Mr. President, shut your goddamn pie hole already you dumb fuck
November 28, 2025 at 5:18 AM
Mr. President, shut your goddamn pie hole already you dumb fuck
Reposted by Ian Miles Schlong
Bluesky when it finally happens
a cartoon of a group of people dancing with a rainbow
Alt: Lionel Hutz envisioning people dancing in a circle with linked hands.
media.tenor.com
November 28, 2025 at 5:05 AM
Bluesky when it finally happens
Sir have you considered passing away due to one of your physical maladies
November 28, 2025 at 4:48 AM
Sir have you considered passing away due to one of your physical maladies
Bro they’re showing turducken on the sidelines with 2 minutes left in the game. What the fuck is going on here?
November 28, 2025 at 4:37 AM
Bro they’re showing turducken on the sidelines with 2 minutes left in the game. What the fuck is going on here?
Not even 48 hours out from an extended rant about how turkeys are fed beef and smoothies, and this dolt is calling other people stupid. Classic projection from a pants-shitting rapist moron. Really sad to see.
“You’re a stupid person” — Trump lashes out at a reporter who presses him on the fact that the suspected DC shooter was actually thoroughly vetted before he was let in the US from Afghanistan
November 28, 2025 at 3:51 AM
Not even 48 hours out from an extended rant about how turkeys are fed beef and smoothies, and this dolt is calling other people stupid. Classic projection from a pants-shitting rapist moron. Really sad to see.
News broadcast be like “and finally some good news: these random high school kids recorded a tiktok about what they’re thankful for…”
It’s hard to think of literally a single thing I care less about, but go off
It’s hard to think of literally a single thing I care less about, but go off
November 28, 2025 at 3:00 AM
News broadcast be like “and finally some good news: these random high school kids recorded a tiktok about what they’re thankful for…”
It’s hard to think of literally a single thing I care less about, but go off
It’s hard to think of literally a single thing I care less about, but go off
Please stop saying Eminem has a grandchild. Just say his daughter has a kid. We’ve already been through quite enough.
November 28, 2025 at 2:05 AM
Please stop saying Eminem has a grandchild. Just say his daughter has a kid. We’ve already been through quite enough.
Oh my god can’t this demented bitch just leave us alone for one fucking day
TRUMP: If you look at Somalia, they are taking over Minnesota.
REPORTER: What do the Somalians have to do with this Afghan guy who shot the National Guard members?
TRUMP: Ah, nothing. But Somalians have caused a lot of trouble. They're ripping us off.
REPORTER: What do the Somalians have to do with this Afghan guy who shot the National Guard members?
TRUMP: Ah, nothing. But Somalians have caused a lot of trouble. They're ripping us off.
November 28, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Oh my god can’t this demented bitch just leave us alone for one fucking day
I need to figure out what spatchcock means immediately
November 28, 2025 at 12:36 AM
I need to figure out what spatchcock means immediately
I’m told the basset hound did not advance, which is frankly the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life. The dog show is a total scam, shut it down.
November 27, 2025 at 5:44 PM
I’m told the basset hound did not advance, which is frankly the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life. The dog show is a total scam, shut it down.
Why is the pillsbury dough boy butt ass naked except for a hat and a necktie? Put on some clothes you disgusting piece of shit. I can’t have this guy cooking my food.
November 27, 2025 at 3:37 PM
Why is the pillsbury dough boy butt ass naked except for a hat and a necktie? Put on some clothes you disgusting piece of shit. I can’t have this guy cooking my food.
This guy’s obsession is starting to verge on disturbing
You have to admit, Ryan Lizza on a float typing Part 4 was a surprise
November 27, 2025 at 3:09 PM
This guy’s obsession is starting to verge on disturbing
There are dozens of us! Dozens!!
Thank God someone else has this opinion, I have never understood the appeal.
November 27, 2025 at 2:52 PM
There are dozens of us! Dozens!!
Al Roker is such a fucking boss. Rizz off the charts. How does he do it
November 27, 2025 at 1:39 PM
Al Roker is such a fucking boss. Rizz off the charts. How does he do it
Scott could never dream of taking on a role that complex
He’s withdrawn from society to prepare for his role as Mike Lindell in the upcoming biopic “From The Crack House to The White House: The Mike Lindell Story”
November 27, 2025 at 5:27 AM
Scott could never dream of taking on a role that complex
No one knows for sure, but my instincts tell me it was a double-sided 69 of mutually-assured felching. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Wait. Was RFK felching her or was Nuzzi felching him?
I’m confused.
I’m confused.
November 27, 2025 at 5:19 AM
No one knows for sure, but my instincts tell me it was a double-sided 69 of mutually-assured felching. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Why did Scott Baio completely disappear from the right wing griftosphere? I miss making fun of what an epic fucking pea brain he is and talking about how much I hate his guts. I hope he’s doing okay.
November 27, 2025 at 5:09 AM
Why did Scott Baio completely disappear from the right wing griftosphere? I miss making fun of what an epic fucking pea brain he is and talking about how much I hate his guts. I hope he’s doing okay.
My Thanksgiving take that everyone hates is that stuffing is the most disgusting shit ever. Oh, you chopped some wet bread up with carrots and shoved it up a turkey’s ass? Don’t mind if I do!
November 27, 2025 at 4:34 AM
My Thanksgiving take that everyone hates is that stuffing is the most disgusting shit ever. Oh, you chopped some wet bread up with carrots and shoved it up a turkey’s ass? Don’t mind if I do!
Mike Johnson says he’ll be taking steps to reduce his stress load by spending more time watching porn with his son
November 27, 2025 at 3:58 AM
Mike Johnson says he’ll be taking steps to reduce his stress load by spending more time watching porn with his son
Reposted by Ian Miles Schlong
How does this woman have the absolute most Skeletor ass news moments
November 27, 2025 at 2:38 AM
How does this woman have the absolute most Skeletor ass news moments
Just found 5 peronis in my grandpa’s fridge. Time to cut loose and get fucking crazy while we watch this Ken burns documentary
November 27, 2025 at 2:53 AM
Just found 5 peronis in my grandpa’s fridge. Time to cut loose and get fucking crazy while we watch this Ken burns documentary