Pessimus Prime
@pessimusprime.bsky.social
I invented the internet
See mah tweets
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7nvnng43seboe73s5khzmkfw/feed/aaaloenm2yxgs
See mah tweets
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7nvnng43seboe73s5khzmkfw/feed/aaaloenm2yxgs
Personally think the Spice Girls could've spent less time affirming that they were going to tell us what they wanted and more time clarifying what it was that they wanted
December 4, 2025 at 10:21 AM
Personally think the Spice Girls could've spent less time affirming that they were going to tell us what they wanted and more time clarifying what it was that they wanted
As an adult I've had fewer yabadabadoo times than the Flintstones led me to believe would be the case
December 4, 2025 at 7:41 AM
As an adult I've had fewer yabadabadoo times than the Flintstones led me to believe would be the case
Volcanoes aren't perfect. The flaw is lava
December 4, 2025 at 7:40 AM
Volcanoes aren't perfect. The flaw is lava
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
Me: I know life's important lessons. I never put all my eggs in the same basket. I'm known as 12 Baskets Jeff down at the grocery store.
Clerk: We call you "the basket moron"
Me: That's right, [a single tear rolls down my cheek] 12 baskets Jeff...
Clerk: We call you "the basket moron"
Me: That's right, [a single tear rolls down my cheek] 12 baskets Jeff...
July 25, 2023 at 1:41 PM
Me: I know life's important lessons. I never put all my eggs in the same basket. I'm known as 12 Baskets Jeff down at the grocery store.
Clerk: We call you "the basket moron"
Me: That's right, [a single tear rolls down my cheek] 12 baskets Jeff...
Clerk: We call you "the basket moron"
Me: That's right, [a single tear rolls down my cheek] 12 baskets Jeff...
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
“David, who shall we invite to the wedding?”
“Bono. Ono. Eno.”
“I love you, you unstoppable conceptual bastard.”
“Bono. Ono. Eno.”
“I love you, you unstoppable conceptual bastard.”
October 28, 2024 at 11:46 AM
“David, who shall we invite to the wedding?”
“Bono. Ono. Eno.”
“I love you, you unstoppable conceptual bastard.”
“Bono. Ono. Eno.”
“I love you, you unstoppable conceptual bastard.”
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
they call me Captain Pedantic, although technically i'm not a captain
November 26, 2025 at 12:29 AM
they call me Captain Pedantic, although technically i'm not a captain
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
Words containing "meow"
Meow
Meows
Meowed
Homeowners
Meowing
Meow
Meows
Meowed
Homeowners
Meowing
December 1, 2025 at 2:40 AM
Words containing "meow"
Meow
Meows
Meowed
Homeowners
Meowing
Meow
Meows
Meowed
Homeowners
Meowing
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
Nothing can prepare you for the disappointment you feel on discovering that a Venus Fly Trap is too small to help you dispose of the corpse.
July 22, 2025 at 11:55 AM
Nothing can prepare you for the disappointment you feel on discovering that a Venus Fly Trap is too small to help you dispose of the corpse.
Hey team, welcome back to "Maths time" with me, your boy Pythagoras. Today I've got a sweet hack for calculating the side lengths of triangles. WHAT?! OMG!!! Don't forget to subscribe and SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON! Triangles? More like KNOWangles! Amirite???
November 30, 2025 at 6:56 PM
Hey team, welcome back to "Maths time" with me, your boy Pythagoras. Today I've got a sweet hack for calculating the side lengths of triangles. WHAT?! OMG!!! Don't forget to subscribe and SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON! Triangles? More like KNOWangles! Amirite???
As far as I can tell a huge amount of "influencers" are people who didn't pay attention at school telling other people who didn't pay attention at school stuff that they would've learned if they'd paid attention at school. Wish I hadn't paid attention, now I might be rich
November 30, 2025 at 6:54 PM
As far as I can tell a huge amount of "influencers" are people who didn't pay attention at school telling other people who didn't pay attention at school stuff that they would've learned if they'd paid attention at school. Wish I hadn't paid attention, now I might be rich
*Ahem* not everything needs to be Biscoff
November 29, 2025 at 11:24 PM
*Ahem* not everything needs to be Biscoff
Making a podcast about how to write kids' books for celebrities
November 29, 2025 at 10:22 PM
Making a podcast about how to write kids' books for celebrities
I cannot think of a situation that requires Five Guys. Five guys is too many guys
November 28, 2025 at 6:34 PM
I cannot think of a situation that requires Five Guys. Five guys is too many guys
I used to write amazing monkey puns but I've gibbon up
November 28, 2025 at 6:10 PM
I used to write amazing monkey puns but I've gibbon up
It's T. Hanks Giving Day! 115 years since Tom Hanks invented America! On this special day, Tom Hanks sneaks into every house and leaves a copy of one of his DVDs to celebrate. Good girls and boys will be hoping for Philadelphia or Forrest Gump, and not Angels & Demons
November 27, 2025 at 11:32 AM
It's T. Hanks Giving Day! 115 years since Tom Hanks invented America! On this special day, Tom Hanks sneaks into every house and leaves a copy of one of his DVDs to celebrate. Good girls and boys will be hoping for Philadelphia or Forrest Gump, and not Angels & Demons
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
Moving back from the country due to a previously undiagnosed peach allergy
November 26, 2025 at 3:59 PM
Moving back from the country due to a previously undiagnosed peach allergy
Moving back from the country due to a previously undiagnosed peach allergy
November 26, 2025 at 3:59 PM
Moving back from the country due to a previously undiagnosed peach allergy
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
idiot guy: i'm like the wolf i'm stalking my prey alone through the forest and being raw as fuck even if i'm in a group i'm the alpha
actual wolf: i love my friends so much!!! i love to romp and kiss my bros and work together as a family <3 awooo etc etc have you seen the puppies oh my god come see
actual wolf: i love my friends so much!!! i love to romp and kiss my bros and work together as a family <3 awooo etc etc have you seen the puppies oh my god come see
November 26, 2025 at 2:17 AM
idiot guy: i'm like the wolf i'm stalking my prey alone through the forest and being raw as fuck even if i'm in a group i'm the alpha
actual wolf: i love my friends so much!!! i love to romp and kiss my bros and work together as a family <3 awooo etc etc have you seen the puppies oh my god come see
actual wolf: i love my friends so much!!! i love to romp and kiss my bros and work together as a family <3 awooo etc etc have you seen the puppies oh my god come see
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
[argument at thanksgiving dinner]
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
November 26, 2025 at 2:04 PM
[argument at thanksgiving dinner]
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time
me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice
The definitive article is difficult to master for non-native speakers, but it's vitally important. Some examples:
Watching Bluey Vs watching a bluey
"This is the shit" Vs "this is a shit"
Watching Bluey Vs watching a bluey
"This is the shit" Vs "this is a shit"
November 25, 2025 at 7:33 PM
The definitive article is difficult to master for non-native speakers, but it's vitally important. Some examples:
Watching Bluey Vs watching a bluey
"This is the shit" Vs "this is a shit"
Watching Bluey Vs watching a bluey
"This is the shit" Vs "this is a shit"
I'm book
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
I'm reading a book about plumbing but I just can't see where it's going
i'm reading a book about wiring and it's shocking
November 22, 2025 at 10:45 PM
I'm book
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
Pigs in blankets. Aw, sounds cute. Unless you're a pig. In which case it's your macerated innards, squeezed into your intestines, wrapped in a layer of your back. Sounds like a medieval torture technique
November 21, 2025 at 6:21 PM
Pigs in blankets. Aw, sounds cute. Unless you're a pig. In which case it's your macerated innards, squeezed into your intestines, wrapped in a layer of your back. Sounds like a medieval torture technique
On a bus to the airport.
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
November 19, 2025 at 11:50 AM
On a bus to the airport.
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
Shout out to all the heroes complaining that the new legislation to stop reselling of tickets at inflated prices "stifles entrepreneurship"
November 18, 2025 at 5:31 PM
Shout out to all the heroes complaining that the new legislation to stop reselling of tickets at inflated prices "stifles entrepreneurship"
You can't just make fish and herb puns willy nilly, there's a thyme and plaice
November 16, 2025 at 6:27 PM
You can't just make fish and herb puns willy nilly, there's a thyme and plaice