Pessimus Prime
@pessimusprime.bsky.social
I invented the internet
See mah tweets
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7nvnng43seboe73s5khzmkfw/feed/aaaloenm2yxgs
See mah tweets
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:7nvnng43seboe73s5khzmkfw/feed/aaaloenm2yxgs
I'm book
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
I'm reading a book about plumbing but I just can't see where it's going
i'm reading a book about wiring and it's shocking
November 22, 2025 at 10:45 PM
I'm book
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
Picasso
place
the
it's
reading a
and
about all over
Pigs in blankets. Aw, sounds cute. Unless you're a pig. In which case it's your macerated innards, squeezed into your intestines, wrapped in a layer of your back. Sounds like a medieval torture technique
November 21, 2025 at 6:21 PM
Pigs in blankets. Aw, sounds cute. Unless you're a pig. In which case it's your macerated innards, squeezed into your intestines, wrapped in a layer of your back. Sounds like a medieval torture technique
On a bus to the airport.
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
November 19, 2025 at 11:50 AM
On a bus to the airport.
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
It's destination is the airport.
The next and final stop is the airport.
The bus is full of people going to the airport.
One of the passengers just pressed the stop button to inform the driver that they would like the bus to stop at the airport
Shout out to all the heroes complaining that the new legislation to stop reselling of tickets at inflated prices "stifles entrepreneurship"
November 18, 2025 at 5:31 PM
Shout out to all the heroes complaining that the new legislation to stop reselling of tickets at inflated prices "stifles entrepreneurship"
You can't just make fish and herb puns willy nilly, there's a thyme and plaice
November 16, 2025 at 6:27 PM
You can't just make fish and herb puns willy nilly, there's a thyme and plaice
Smurf 911: Smurf 911, which service do you require?
Smurf: We need a smurf, there's been a smurf
Smurf 911: Uh
Smurf: SEND THE DAMN SMURF, THERE'S SMURF EVERYWHERE
Smurf: We need a smurf, there's been a smurf
Smurf 911: Uh
Smurf: SEND THE DAMN SMURF, THERE'S SMURF EVERYWHERE
November 16, 2025 at 6:04 PM
Smurf 911: Smurf 911, which service do you require?
Smurf: We need a smurf, there's been a smurf
Smurf 911: Uh
Smurf: SEND THE DAMN SMURF, THERE'S SMURF EVERYWHERE
Smurf: We need a smurf, there's been a smurf
Smurf 911: Uh
Smurf: SEND THE DAMN SMURF, THERE'S SMURF EVERYWHERE
Describing something as being on its last legs implies that legs are expendable and they are lost with age. I can only assume, therefore, that the phrase was coined by millipedes. Millipedes do not shed legs with age, but they could afford to lose a few. Imagine a 3 legged millipede...
November 14, 2025 at 9:40 AM
Describing something as being on its last legs implies that legs are expendable and they are lost with age. I can only assume, therefore, that the phrase was coined by millipedes. Millipedes do not shed legs with age, but they could afford to lose a few. Imagine a 3 legged millipede...
People say Chat GPT isn't intelligent but it refused to create an image based on my prompt "laddy donglegs", so I reckon it's got something going on
November 13, 2025 at 9:06 PM
People say Chat GPT isn't intelligent but it refused to create an image based on my prompt "laddy donglegs", so I reckon it's got something going on
Silly rabbit, don't you know, there's no such thing as Mark Ruffalo?
November 13, 2025 at 8:46 PM
Silly rabbit, don't you know, there's no such thing as Mark Ruffalo?
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
I know which one I'm ticking.
November 13, 2025 at 10:15 AM
I know which one I'm ticking.
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock
December 2, 2024 at 11:31 AM
I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock
"I'll have the All Day Breakfast" I said. "Sounds fun" I said. That was 5 hours ago, there are 3 hours to go, I can't manage another sausage. Please, end this now. Help
November 9, 2025 at 6:17 PM
"I'll have the All Day Breakfast" I said. "Sounds fun" I said. That was 5 hours ago, there are 3 hours to go, I can't manage another sausage. Please, end this now. Help
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.
January 13, 2025 at 1:15 AM
[willem dafoe unprompted] now, this cookie monster. [toothy smile] what a creature, what a lust. it consumes him. [crosses legs] he’s really a tragic figure.
I personally think Elon Musk becoming a trillionaire is a good thing. He's worked hard and deserves to have accrued the equivalent of >$2m for every single hour of his life. This is a perfectly normal thing and the fact that people die because they can't access clean drinking water is irrelevant
November 7, 2025 at 6:01 PM
I personally think Elon Musk becoming a trillionaire is a good thing. He's worked hard and deserves to have accrued the equivalent of >$2m for every single hour of his life. This is a perfectly normal thing and the fact that people die because they can't access clean drinking water is irrelevant
First time I ever "had coffee" was at her house, after our third date. Genuinely life changing moment. Second time I had coffee, I got banned from Starbucks
November 5, 2025 at 6:25 PM
First time I ever "had coffee" was at her house, after our third date. Genuinely life changing moment. Second time I had coffee, I got banned from Starbucks
The Matrix but Neo takes the other pill & forgets everything. We follow a day in his mundane life: goes to work, gets in trouble with a manager for something that really wasn't his fault, has a pretty good sandwich for lunch, goes home, watches a surprisingly interesting documentary on baskets
November 3, 2025 at 8:01 PM
The Matrix but Neo takes the other pill & forgets everything. We follow a day in his mundane life: goes to work, gets in trouble with a manager for something that really wasn't his fault, has a pretty good sandwich for lunch, goes home, watches a surprisingly interesting documentary on baskets
I think some phrases need modernising to account for inflation, but that's just my 10 pence worth
November 3, 2025 at 6:33 PM
I think some phrases need modernising to account for inflation, but that's just my 10 pence worth
I firmly believe that if you are in the sign printing business then you are obligated to check the grammar before printing
November 3, 2025 at 12:22 PM
I firmly believe that if you are in the sign printing business then you are obligated to check the grammar before printing
A dead goose is called a ghoost
October 31, 2025 at 8:46 AM
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[2000]
Me: Oh my god, there's been a murder on the dancefloor
Sophie Ellis-Bextor: *starting to hum a tune* murder on the dancefloor...
Me: Are you singing? What?
SEB: But you better not kill the groove!
Me:
SEB: DJ, gonna burn this goddamn house right down!
Me: Someone's dead
Me: Oh my god, there's been a murder on the dancefloor
Sophie Ellis-Bextor: *starting to hum a tune* murder on the dancefloor...
Me: Are you singing? What?
SEB: But you better not kill the groove!
Me:
SEB: DJ, gonna burn this goddamn house right down!
Me: Someone's dead
October 27, 2025 at 8:59 PM
[2000]
Me: Oh my god, there's been a murder on the dancefloor
Sophie Ellis-Bextor: *starting to hum a tune* murder on the dancefloor...
Me: Are you singing? What?
SEB: But you better not kill the groove!
Me:
SEB: DJ, gonna burn this goddamn house right down!
Me: Someone's dead
Me: Oh my god, there's been a murder on the dancefloor
Sophie Ellis-Bextor: *starting to hum a tune* murder on the dancefloor...
Me: Are you singing? What?
SEB: But you better not kill the groove!
Me:
SEB: DJ, gonna burn this goddamn house right down!
Me: Someone's dead
You can live a very healthy* lifestyle by eating crisps for every meal. I am living** proof
* My doctor disagrees
** My doctor says this might not last
* My doctor disagrees
** My doctor says this might not last
October 25, 2025 at 2:23 PM
You can live a very healthy* lifestyle by eating crisps for every meal. I am living** proof
* My doctor disagrees
** My doctor says this might not last
* My doctor disagrees
** My doctor says this might not last
On your 18th birthday this dude in a trenchcoat starts walking alongside you and says "psst, kid, there's no rule that a serving of biscuits is 2. It's a lie adults tell kids. You can eat as many as you like" and then he disappears
October 25, 2025 at 9:50 AM
On your 18th birthday this dude in a trenchcoat starts walking alongside you and says "psst, kid, there's no rule that a serving of biscuits is 2. It's a lie adults tell kids. You can eat as many as you like" and then he disappears
Had a fever dream about cream cheese. Absolutely dairy lea-us
October 22, 2025 at 10:39 AM
Had a fever dream about cream cheese. Absolutely dairy lea-us
Reposted by Pessimus Prime
Werner Herzog voice: And this man, Joe, known for his Cotton Eye, where did he come from? And, perhaps more importantly for our story, where did he go?
October 19, 2025 at 7:57 PM
Werner Herzog voice: And this man, Joe, known for his Cotton Eye, where did he come from? And, perhaps more importantly for our story, where did he go?
Werner Herzog voice: And this man, Joe, known for his Cotton Eye, where did he come from? And, perhaps more importantly for our story, where did he go?
October 19, 2025 at 7:57 PM
Werner Herzog voice: And this man, Joe, known for his Cotton Eye, where did he come from? And, perhaps more importantly for our story, where did he go?