Author | Lightnews

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 27m

those Epstein files have to be *crazy*

NBC News @nbcnews.com · 1h

BREAKING: Trump orders the Pentagon to start testing nuclear weapons for the first time since 1992.

Trump orders Pentagon to begin testing nuclear weapons 'immediately'

The U.S. voluntarily halted nuclear explosive testing in 1992, though it has the ability to resume tests at a site in Nevada.

nbcnews.to

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 47m

that hashtag is perfect

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1h

you know there’s nothing in the world that would make him happier

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1h

that was a dish that 100% had to have been made by spinning a wheel or throwing a dart at a cork board with post-its on it

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 2h

Now Playing (this song is about Dwight D Eisenhower and his wonderful implementation of the federal highway system and absolutely nothing else, edition):

Best Friends Forever- Eisenhower Is The Father

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 3h

the other side of the camera:

bright neon red USSR sign with a hammer and sickle

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 7h

omg- I’m dumb. you were asking if that was where I called. No- this was a grocery store called Lucky’s. It’s the only place I’m aware of that sells it that doesn’t rhyme with “sch-mole sch-moods”

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 7h

I feel so silly saying this, but do they sell that? I’ve never been so I literally don’t know what they sell, I’ve just been past there and apparently they’re some kind of vegan butcher shop?

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 11h

“nah dude- hit me back on Friday though”

that is what the guy at the grocery store just said to me about tvp

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 11h

I have to call my local hippy dippy grocery store to see if they have “textured vegetable protein” in stock the way I used to have call weed dealers before it was legal

“hey man- I was about to swing by the area- you got anything?”

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 12h

that’s just what pure ambition looks like

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 13h

when you have as much money as I do, when the cops come to beat on my wifes door to tell her somebody shot me for my most expensive possession (a Labubu that got misprinted with its eyes crossed and is now valued at upwards of $700) she's going to most likely be wearing pajamas pants and a Taz shirt

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 14h

is it possible jesus was just kind of stupid and genuinely didn’t understand what the human body was made out of? 🤔

the butterfly meme guy labeled as “jesus” and the butterfly labeled as “his blood” with the subtitle reading, “is this wine???”

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 14h

this all sounds really cute and sweet until we find out he's actually 16 and is late to pick up his friends in his car pool

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 15h

see??? SEE?!?!

I *TOLD* you guys this was gonna happen! 😡

Zito @zeets.bsky.social · 1d

Zohran Mamdani caught lying that he understood Plato’s allegory of the cave, yet when asked to explain it, he seemed to instead explain Baudrillard’s theory of Simulacra and Simulation where reality has been replaced by symbols and signs, which seems similar to Plato’s theory but is not the same

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 15h

Trump is gonna start listening to the cum town back catalog and it’s going to convince him he can get out of his connection to Jeffrey Epstein by telling everyone he’s not a pedophile, he just has “a real childish penis”

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 15h

good. there is absolutely no reason that should have ever been a 35 mph road in the first place. there are no offices or businesses there- it’s just houses. There’s no reason anybody needs to be going fast down a really narrow residential street like that

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 15h

George W Bush standing (looking completely befuddled as usual) in front of his big stupid “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” banner on the deck of an aircraft carrier. It was like 2 years into the war or something and he just declared it was over.

It would go on to continue for just under 20 more years

Trump standing center stage along with a dozen or so Middle Eastern leaders/war criminals on a stage just behind some 3 foot tall letters that have been erected that say “PEACE 2025”

The “it’s the same picture” meme from The Office. I don’t know this woman’s character’s name bc I don’t believe I’ve ever seen single a full episode of the American version

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1d

what kind of alcohol pairs best with an onion?

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1d

Big day for orb news

Arif Hasan, but NFL🔨⚒️🛠️ @arif.bsky.social · 1d

I FOUND THE BOOK WITH THE ORB

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1d

for a split second it always makes me think I’ve had my house broken into by the nicest burglars you could ever ask for

Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1d

the best part about getting high and cleaning stuff is there’s a decent enough chance I’ll forget about it and go to clean it again later and be pleasantly surprised

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1d

marijuana is a performance enhancing substance when it comes to cleaning my bathroom

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1d

wait- I have to be misunderstanding their tone there. they aren’t unironically trying to present Cuba having an established disaster evacuation plan in place as a strike against them, are they?

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Not the cops @notthecops.bsky.social · 1d

I am wishing you luck nerdjpg(dot)com 😬🤞

(and if I’m too late for luck then I’m wishing you condolences?)