Martin Widlake
@martinwidlake.bsky.social
250 followers
150 following
560 posts
Retired Oracle performance expert.
President of SYM42.
I love science (especially biology & genetics), cats, beer, and community.
Presenter, blogger, ex Oracle ACE director.
Did I mention I love cats? I currently serve 2 rescued ones.
Failed scientist.
Posts
Media
Videos
Starter Packs
![[Scene is a high school classroom. A teacher is writing on the whiteboard 'ACT 2 SCENE 3'.]
TEACHER:
OK class - open up Macbeth to Act 2 Scene 3...
TEACHER:
So - does anybody have any ideas on Shakespeares meaning behind the character of 'the Porter' in this scene?
[A voice comes from off-scene, behind the teacher's back[.
VOICE:
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
TEACHER [turning round]:
Sorry….. who are you?
[We see a wider scene that shows it is the GHOST OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, hovering over the heads of the startled students]
SHAKESPEARE:
I'm the Ghost of Shakespeare and I've come back to say: this scene means *absolutely nothing*.
The Porter is a funny drunk bloke I lobbed in to cover a costume change!
I mean like, not everything I did was genius OK? Stop giving me the ick.
TEACHER:
So um...what do you suggest we study?
SHAKESPEARE:
The most important text in British culture!
TEACHER:
Which is...?
SHAKESPEARE:
'Bollocks People Say on the Internet.'
TEACHER:
You think we should study... bollocks people say on the internet?
SHAKESPEARE:
Yes.
TEACHER:
But Mr Shakespeare... your Porter scene was a question in a past GCSE paper...
We need to analyse it so the kids don't end up failing their exams...
SHAKESPEARE:
Yes, and I'm just suggesting you should analyse Bollocks People Say on the Internet instead, so they don't end up painting flags on roundabouts.
[Silent pause]
TEACHER:
OK class - open up your phones to X...
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibtvzkb3yqcbhukrxomiex5bcmtrsgbqu7fgx44upb3fgyewmcxbi@jpeg)
![1
Nurse:
It’s become a real problem in this area
2
Nurse:
We’ve seen the whole community lost to addiction
3
Show a building sign posted:
Westminster ‘X’ Addiction Clinic
With various Westminster people or looking at their phones outside it
Nurse:
Ministers, Spads, Researchers…
4
Nurse:
Most mornings we’ll get a call about someone acting strangely
[Nurse on phone taking a call]
Ok - we’ll be right over
5
Nurse:
We just have a gentle chat
[Nurses approach a minister –Robert Jenrick? - standing in the Palace of Westminster
Minister:
I understand your concerns…
6
Nurse:
Are you OK love?
Minister:
Yes I’m just hearing legitimate concerns from real voters
7
Nurse:
That’s a robot, a Nazi and a poorly-disguised Russian
[Show that the people he is talking to are precisely these characters]
Nurse 2:
Give us your phone, love
8
Nurse:
At the clinic we put them in a Grass-Touching Pod, with a real voter to talk to
[We see them back at the clinic, holding the minister's head and pushing him into a glass isolation booth with a grass floor. And it is a baffled looking woman, on a chair, ready to talk to him.]
9
Minister:
YOU MUST BE WORRIED ABOUT THE COMING CIVIL WAR
[woman looks baffled]
10
woman:
I just want a bus service
Minister:
LOOK AT MY FLAG
[produces a St George's flag]
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreicahofq6s4xow7vowj7dx6odw6ejdwr4kwcmzta7qwi4hg2nvywji@jpeg)
Java devs, please instrument your code 🧠
Have you ever struggled tracing SQL back to the app? Use setClientInfo(...) to add meaningful metadata to your JDBC queries. It makes tracing and perf debugging way easier.
New blog post with real code & tips:
🔗 martincarstenbach.com/2025/10/16/j...
Have you ever struggled tracing SQL back to the app? Use setClientInfo(...) to add meaningful metadata to your JDBC queries. It makes tracing and perf debugging way easier.
New blog post with real code & tips:
🔗 martincarstenbach.com/2025/10/16/j...
Java devs, please instrument your code 🥺
While preparing a talk for Java developers I revisited the topic of code instrumentation. Within the database, for example when writing PL/SQL or MLE/JavaScript code, you would use DBMS_APPLICATION…
martincarstenbach.com
“Well, well—another blonde hair. … Conducting a little more ‘research’ with that Jane Goodall tramp?”
In honour of spooky month, share a 4 word horror story that only someone in your profession would understand.
rm -rf ~/
rm -rf ~/
"The chancellor approved it"