WASHINGTON—Opting to take more of a wait-and-see approach instead of rushing to pass judgment, Republican lawmakers reportedly looked on in silence Tuesday as President Trump worked his way through each of their families and, one by one, strangled all their loved ones to death. “After I watched the president slowly and methodically squeeze the life out of my wife’s body as she gasped, futilely, for breath, he gave me his personal assurance that he was not responsible for her death, so I continue to stand by this administration,” said Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-TN), who along with every Republican in both the House and Senate stated that while killing off their families in cold blood might not be entirely proper, it was certainly not an impeachable offense, no matter how the media tried to spin it. “Now, this is not an action I would have taken myself. I personally would not have wrapped my hands around my 5-year-old son’s neck and crushed his windpipe. But if Donald Trump’s approach to governing is sometimes a bit outside the ordinary, that’s because Donald Trump is no ordinary president. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.” Later, with his beloved sister’s face turning purple as the commander-in-chief asphyxiated her with a length of barbed wire, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) appeared on several television news networks and said impeaching the president for her imminent death would be “insane.”

LOS ANGELES—Responding to escalating clashes between civilian activists and militarized immigration authorities, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass publicly urged protesters Monday not to give the Trump administration any pretext for what they’re already doing and will keep doing no matter what. “Angelenos—don’t engage in violence and give the administration an excuse to inflict all the […]

New Jersey Transit’s train engineers have reached a tentative deal to end their three-day strike that had halted service for some 100,000 daily riders, including routes to Newark airport and across the Hudson River to New York City.

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday.  According to witnesses, the 44-year-old former Fox News host wandered through the lunchroom and took slow, deliberate steps past tables filled with jovial military officers […]

YouTube video by Will Allen-DuPraw