Shane
@shanehasabeard.bsky.social
When I die, please respect my last wishes to be revived and to live forever
If I sort the products on your website by price, and then you throw in one product that says "Add to cart to see price," but that product is between two products that show the price, let's cut the shit, I know what that price is
August 8, 2025 at 1:54 AM
If I sort the products on your website by price, and then you throw in one product that says "Add to cart to see price," but that product is between two products that show the price, let's cut the shit, I know what that price is
My doctor: So how have you been feeling?
Me:
Me:
August 7, 2025 at 12:29 PM
My doctor: So how have you been feeling?
Me:
Me:
(My neighbor steps down from his ladder to admire the painstakingly intricate shrub sculpture of a phoenix rising from the ashes that he'll be entering into an international shrub contest)
Me, yelling from over our shared fence in the distance: "Hey, Neil! What is that? Like a duck or something?"
Me, yelling from over our shared fence in the distance: "Hey, Neil! What is that? Like a duck or something?"
June 11, 2025 at 3:01 PM
(My neighbor steps down from his ladder to admire the painstakingly intricate shrub sculpture of a phoenix rising from the ashes that he'll be entering into an international shrub contest)
Me, yelling from over our shared fence in the distance: "Hey, Neil! What is that? Like a duck or something?"
Me, yelling from over our shared fence in the distance: "Hey, Neil! What is that? Like a duck or something?"
(I get momentarily distracted from being the divinely-chosen scribe for a new sacred text and start looking out the window for a second)
A booming disembodied voice: "Return. To. THE TEXT."
Me: "Oh, right, right. The sacred text. Sorry."
A booming disembodied voice: "Return. To. THE TEXT."
Me: "Oh, right, right. The sacred text. Sorry."
June 11, 2025 at 2:14 PM
(I get momentarily distracted from being the divinely-chosen scribe for a new sacred text and start looking out the window for a second)
A booming disembodied voice: "Return. To. THE TEXT."
Me: "Oh, right, right. The sacred text. Sorry."
A booming disembodied voice: "Return. To. THE TEXT."
Me: "Oh, right, right. The sacred text. Sorry."
I thought that group of teens at the beach was being mean to me, but maybe they were just commenting on the color of my jeans
May 24, 2025 at 11:02 PM
I thought that group of teens at the beach was being mean to me, but maybe they were just commenting on the color of my jeans
I usually don't leave bad reviews, but these pancakes were terrible
May 8, 2025 at 10:20 PM
I usually don't leave bad reviews, but these pancakes were terrible
Donna Summer: I want some hot stuff, baby, tonight.
Waiter: I'm sorry, but we only have cold stuff. The kitchen closes at 10.
Waiter: I'm sorry, but we only have cold stuff. The kitchen closes at 10.
March 21, 2025 at 3:28 PM
Donna Summer: I want some hot stuff, baby, tonight.
Waiter: I'm sorry, but we only have cold stuff. The kitchen closes at 10.
Waiter: I'm sorry, but we only have cold stuff. The kitchen closes at 10.
Reposted by Shane
My malaise has been working its way into my erotic tapestries and my clients are starting to notice.
January 31, 2025 at 4:48 PM
My malaise has been working its way into my erotic tapestries and my clients are starting to notice.
Very limited produce section at my local grocery store today
January 13, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Very limited produce section at my local grocery store today
I'm filling out a form and it wants the name of my primary care physician. Sorry, form. I'm not a child or a millionaire.
January 7, 2025 at 10:43 PM
I'm filling out a form and it wants the name of my primary care physician. Sorry, form. I'm not a child or a millionaire.
You: The average American eats a credit card worth of microplastics every month
(I inconspicuously put a lid on my huge, simmering pot full of hundreds of credit cards while trying to gauge your opinion on the correct amount we should eat)
Me: Wow, that seems like... too much?
(I inconspicuously put a lid on my huge, simmering pot full of hundreds of credit cards while trying to gauge your opinion on the correct amount we should eat)
Me: Wow, that seems like... too much?
December 18, 2024 at 3:59 AM
You: The average American eats a credit card worth of microplastics every month
(I inconspicuously put a lid on my huge, simmering pot full of hundreds of credit cards while trying to gauge your opinion on the correct amount we should eat)
Me: Wow, that seems like... too much?
(I inconspicuously put a lid on my huge, simmering pot full of hundreds of credit cards while trying to gauge your opinion on the correct amount we should eat)
Me: Wow, that seems like... too much?
I'm pitching my new show to HGTV today. It's called, "Move It Or Lose It" and it's about potential homebuyers who need to get out of my way or I'll bump into them.
November 26, 2024 at 6:16 PM
I'm pitching my new show to HGTV today. It's called, "Move It Or Lose It" and it's about potential homebuyers who need to get out of my way or I'll bump into them.
I want to publicly apologize for my behavior during a heated argument in my Cantaloupe/Honeydew Facebook group today. Despite differing opinions on optimal germination temperature, I regret telling Diane to, "Eat my ass with a melon baller." It was unprofessional and I'm sorry.
November 23, 2024 at 5:49 PM
I want to publicly apologize for my behavior during a heated argument in my Cantaloupe/Honeydew Facebook group today. Despite differing opinions on optimal germination temperature, I regret telling Diane to, "Eat my ass with a melon baller." It was unprofessional and I'm sorry.
I think I might catch a football game down at Lincoln Financial Field, eat a Bank of America hot dog, maybe take a few Wells Fargo breaths
November 23, 2024 at 5:36 PM
I think I might catch a football game down at Lincoln Financial Field, eat a Bank of America hot dog, maybe take a few Wells Fargo breaths
Detective: Can you describe the suspect?
Me: He looked like he was in his hair's mouth
Me: He looked like he was in his hair's mouth
November 23, 2024 at 1:09 AM
Detective: Can you describe the suspect?
Me: He looked like he was in his hair's mouth
Me: He looked like he was in his hair's mouth
Next on House Hunters: Psychology Edition
Young professional Ann wants a 2-bedroom bungalow in the suburbs. But her mom Joan has attachment disorder, causing enmeshment. Ann would like to stick to her $400k budget, but Joan is unable to see her as a separate adult capable of decision-making.
Young professional Ann wants a 2-bedroom bungalow in the suburbs. But her mom Joan has attachment disorder, causing enmeshment. Ann would like to stick to her $400k budget, but Joan is unable to see her as a separate adult capable of decision-making.
November 22, 2024 at 9:10 PM
Next on House Hunters: Psychology Edition
Young professional Ann wants a 2-bedroom bungalow in the suburbs. But her mom Joan has attachment disorder, causing enmeshment. Ann would like to stick to her $400k budget, but Joan is unable to see her as a separate adult capable of decision-making.
Young professional Ann wants a 2-bedroom bungalow in the suburbs. But her mom Joan has attachment disorder, causing enmeshment. Ann would like to stick to her $400k budget, but Joan is unable to see her as a separate adult capable of decision-making.
My dog's DNA test results came back today. Turns out he's from Arkansas. I thought it would have some kind of breakdown of his different breeds, but nope. It just says he's from Fayetteville.
November 22, 2024 at 7:35 PM
My dog's DNA test results came back today. Turns out he's from Arkansas. I thought it would have some kind of breakdown of his different breeds, but nope. It just says he's from Fayetteville.
I have an important announcement: Although I will retain my title as the rootinest cowboy this side of the Mississippi, I regret to inform you that I've been resoundingly supplanted as the tootinest
November 22, 2024 at 7:12 PM
I have an important announcement: Although I will retain my title as the rootinest cowboy this side of the Mississippi, I regret to inform you that I've been resoundingly supplanted as the tootinest
Whoa, whoa, whoa. In layman's terms, please.
November 21, 2024 at 8:39 PM
Whoa, whoa, whoa. In layman's terms, please.
Reposted by Shane
I would describe my body as Christian Bale trying to win an Oscar
June 1, 2024 at 4:59 PM
I would describe my body as Christian Bale trying to win an Oscar
*pumping the knockoff Coffee Mate creamer directly into my mouth in the office break room, while everyone else is getting their coffee*
"Mmmm! Is this vanilla from France?"
"Mmmm! Is this vanilla from France?"
November 20, 2024 at 2:03 PM
*pumping the knockoff Coffee Mate creamer directly into my mouth in the office break room, while everyone else is getting their coffee*
"Mmmm! Is this vanilla from France?"
"Mmmm! Is this vanilla from France?"
*Yelling to my wife from another room*
Hey, honey! The guy who invented (I put my tiny reading glasses on the very end of my nose and hold my phone out to full arms' length) "drinking water" died today!
Hey, honey! The guy who invented (I put my tiny reading glasses on the very end of my nose and hold my phone out to full arms' length) "drinking water" died today!
October 27, 2024 at 3:54 PM
*Yelling to my wife from another room*
Hey, honey! The guy who invented (I put my tiny reading glasses on the very end of my nose and hold my phone out to full arms' length) "drinking water" died today!
Hey, honey! The guy who invented (I put my tiny reading glasses on the very end of my nose and hold my phone out to full arms' length) "drinking water" died today!
(I walk onto an elevator with Francis Ford Coppola and we stare straight ahead in silence for the first 45 seconds before I work up my nerve to speak)
Me: So... just how big is this lopolis anyway?
Me: So... just how big is this lopolis anyway?
September 27, 2024 at 2:15 PM
(I walk onto an elevator with Francis Ford Coppola and we stare straight ahead in silence for the first 45 seconds before I work up my nerve to speak)
Me: So... just how big is this lopolis anyway?
Me: So... just how big is this lopolis anyway?
City councilman: And that concludes the proposal portion of our high-speed rail meeting. We will now be taking questions. Yes, sir, you in the back.
Me, twirling my handlebar mustache: Will this rail, hypothetically, be able to support, oh I don't know, let's say, an average-sized damsel?
Me, twirling my handlebar mustache: Will this rail, hypothetically, be able to support, oh I don't know, let's say, an average-sized damsel?
September 27, 2024 at 12:06 PM
City councilman: And that concludes the proposal portion of our high-speed rail meeting. We will now be taking questions. Yes, sir, you in the back.
Me, twirling my handlebar mustache: Will this rail, hypothetically, be able to support, oh I don't know, let's say, an average-sized damsel?
Me, twirling my handlebar mustache: Will this rail, hypothetically, be able to support, oh I don't know, let's say, an average-sized damsel?
Best Buy salesman: So this laptop has 16 GB of RAM
Me: Wait, wait, wait, back up. So the electricity is its blood?
Me: Wait, wait, wait, back up. So the electricity is its blood?
September 27, 2024 at 11:30 AM
Best Buy salesman: So this laptop has 16 GB of RAM
Me: Wait, wait, wait, back up. So the electricity is its blood?
Me: Wait, wait, wait, back up. So the electricity is its blood?