My doctor: So how have you been feeling?

Me:

I thought that group of teens at the beach was being mean to me, but maybe they were just commenting on the color of my jeans

I usually don't leave bad reviews, but these pancakes were terrible

Very limited produce section at my local grocery store today

Detective: Can you describe the suspect?

Me: He looked like he was in his hair's mouth

Whoa, whoa, whoa. In layman's terms, please.

Our two pictures are gonna be used as proof of voter fraud

*Yelling to my wife from another room*

Hey, honey! The guy who invented (I put my tiny reading glasses on the very end of my nose and hold my phone out to full arms' length) "drinking water" died today!

I can't believe The New York Times went with the Dries Van Noten story instead my articles

Congregation: Hey! Stop that man!

*they all point to a guy running down the street with his pockets stuffed with churches*

(looking through the periscope of my bomb shelter, I whisper to my cowering family)