Patius
@patius.bsky.social
Dog dad. Practicing attorney who does law things, but the boring not cool kind. Opinions are mine and not those of my dogs. Unless it's strongly worded opinions about how dogs should have infinity canned dog food for dinner.
Reposted by Patius
Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood https://theonion.com/florida-passes-law-granting-viruses-personhood/
January 19, 2026 at 4:30 PM
Florida Passes Law Granting Viruses Personhood https://theonion.com/florida-passes-law-granting-viruses-personhood/
Reposted by Patius
Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk theonion.com/report-you-t...
January 13, 2026 at 10:10 PM
Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk theonion.com/report-you-t...
Reposted by Patius
This can’t be true because Trump said tariffs were going to pay for everything and we were all going to get $2,000 checks with the money left over.
January 5, 2026 at 9:50 PM
This can’t be true because Trump said tariffs were going to pay for everything and we were all going to get $2,000 checks with the money left over.
Reposted by Patius
New York Times HR manager poring over Epstein files to scout potential new hires
December 18, 2025 at 10:41 PM
New York Times HR manager poring over Epstein files to scout potential new hires
Reposted by Patius
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers https://theonion.com/trump-announces-5000-increase-in-all-numbers/
December 2, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Trump Announces 5,000% Increase In All Numbers https://theonion.com/trump-announces-5000-increase-in-all-numbers/
Reposted by Patius
Amazon Fires Employee Who Tested Positive For Having Food In Their System
November 30, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Amazon Fires Employee Who Tested Positive For Having Food In Their System
Reposted by Patius
"I agree with what the president did" -- Lisa McClain supports Trump saying Democrats committed crimes punishable by death
November 24, 2025 at 3:31 PM
"I agree with what the president did" -- Lisa McClain supports Trump saying Democrats committed crimes punishable by death
Reposted by Patius
SOUTHCOM is curbing holiday leave as it prepares for potential land strikes in Venezuela within the next 10–14 days, NewsNation reports.
November 24, 2025 at 2:59 PM
SOUTHCOM is curbing holiday leave as it prepares for potential land strikes in Venezuela within the next 10–14 days, NewsNation reports.
Reposted by Patius
The Republicans have been promising a specific plan as an alternative to Obamacare ever since it passed in 2010. The promise is 15 1/2 years old now. That's probably why they don't seem very sincerely interested in it.
November 2, 2025 at 8:29 PM
The Republicans have been promising a specific plan as an alternative to Obamacare ever since it passed in 2010. The promise is 15 1/2 years old now. That's probably why they don't seem very sincerely interested in it.
Reposted by Patius
From ‘The Onion’ Editorial Board: In Defense Of Mass Censorship https://theonion.com/in-defense-of-mass-censorship-1848673776/
September 18, 2025 at 7:30 PM
From ‘The Onion’ Editorial Board: In Defense Of Mass Censorship https://theonion.com/in-defense-of-mass-censorship-1848673776/
Reposted by Patius
‘The Naked Gun’ movie now has an OnlyFans account
July 24, 2025 at 8:58 PM
‘The Naked Gun’ movie now has an OnlyFans account
www.wired.com/story/metada...
Well, this is suspicious.
Well, this is suspicious.
Metadata Shows the FBI’s ‘Raw’ Jeffrey Epstein Prison Video Was Likely Modified
There is no evidence the footage was deceptively manipulated, but ambiguities around how the video was processed may further fuel conspiracy theories about Epstein’s death.
www.wired.com
July 11, 2025 at 9:17 PM
www.wired.com/story/metada...
Well, this is suspicious.
Well, this is suspicious.
Reposted by Patius
I just want the latest news from 2023 on Biden’s mental fitness for office.
June 26, 2025 at 2:47 PM
I just want the latest news from 2023 on Biden’s mental fitness for office.
Reposted by Patius
SCOOP: Season 9 of Scrubs has endorsed Cuomo
June 24, 2025 at 12:10 AM
SCOOP: Season 9 of Scrubs has endorsed Cuomo
Happy Gotcha Day, you insane linguini.
June 23, 2025 at 4:24 AM
Happy Gotcha Day, you insane linguini.
Reposted by Patius
Ted Cruz is doing the most Ted Cruziest thing imaginable - posting a bunch of clips from a debate that he lost.
June 19, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Ted Cruz is doing the most Ted Cruziest thing imaginable - posting a bunch of clips from a debate that he lost.
Reposted by Patius
There’s always a tweet.
June 17, 2025 at 7:12 PM
There’s always a tweet.
o7 - you will be missed!
The man credited with saving Texas Chili Parlor more than 20 years ago has died.
Owner of long-time Downtown Austin restaurant dies
Scott Zublin is credited with saving the nearly 50-year-old restaurant when he bought it more than 20 years ago.
www.kvue.com
June 17, 2025 at 7:47 PM
o7 - you will be missed!
Reposted by Patius
From The Archives: God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
theonion.com/god-ang...
theonion.com/god-ang...
June 13, 2025 at 8:30 PM
From The Archives: God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
theonion.com/god-ang...
theonion.com/god-ang...
Reposted by Patius
Things are dogshit, but I am very proud to work here today.
June 13, 2025 at 6:51 PM
Things are dogshit, but I am very proud to work here today.
Reposted by Patius
Bringing the tradition "wingnut welfare" into the government, and it seems clear that one of the goals is to get people who actually care about the work to leave in frustration. www.propublica.org/article/trum...
“The Intern in Charge”: Meet the 22-Year-Old Trump’s Team Picked to Lead Terrorism Prevention
One year out of college and with no apparent national security expertise, Thomas Fugate is the Department of Homeland Security official tasked with overseeing the government’s main hub for combating v...
www.propublica.org
June 5, 2025 at 8:05 PM
Bringing the tradition "wingnut welfare" into the government, and it seems clear that one of the goals is to get people who actually care about the work to leave in frustration. www.propublica.org/article/trum...
Reposted by Patius
Reposted by Patius
JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns
June 3, 2025 at 5:00 PM
JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns