Phil Johnson
@philjohnsoncomedy.bsky.social
Smart/Naughty Comedy and Music for Smart/Naughty People. 😉 Click this because you need to laugh 👉https://linktr.ee/philjohnsoncomedy
Pinned
New song out today and it's about exactly who you think it is. Listen at fanlink.tv/ahole2025
Seems that I was busy doing something close to nothing
But different than the day before
That's when I saw her, ooh, I saw her
She walked in through the out door, out door
But different than the day before
That's when I saw her, ooh, I saw her
She walked in through the out door, out door
Oh, thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin'
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
Players only love you when they're playin'
Say women, they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean, you'll know
You'll know
November 23, 2025 at 4:21 PM
Seems that I was busy doing something close to nothing
But different than the day before
That's when I saw her, ooh, I saw her
She walked in through the out door, out door
But different than the day before
That's when I saw her, ooh, I saw her
She walked in through the out door, out door
Mamdani deserves a Grammy for the way he played Trump like a fiddle.
November 23, 2025 at 4:04 AM
Mamdani deserves a Grammy for the way he played Trump like a fiddle.
Been trying a joke in my show about Target canceling their deals with black businesses being a sort of "40 shelves and a mule" type of thing.
The black folks laugh and I've yet to see a single white audience member get the reference.
The black folks laugh and I've yet to see a single white audience member get the reference.
November 21, 2025 at 1:32 AM
Been trying a joke in my show about Target canceling their deals with black businesses being a sort of "40 shelves and a mule" type of thing.
The black folks laugh and I've yet to see a single white audience member get the reference.
The black folks laugh and I've yet to see a single white audience member get the reference.
Many years from now, after those of use who remember are gone, there will be a movie with the line "Doc, you built a time machine out of a Cybertruck?"
November 21, 2025 at 12:58 AM
Many years from now, after those of use who remember are gone, there will be a movie with the line "Doc, you built a time machine out of a Cybertruck?"
Drove past a farm supply place that was advertising "Ladies Night on Tuesdays" and I really wish I could go see what that's like.
November 20, 2025 at 10:48 PM
Drove past a farm supply place that was advertising "Ladies Night on Tuesdays" and I really wish I could go see what that's like.
If ICE asks you a question the correct answer is now "Quiet, Piggy."
November 19, 2025 at 5:05 PM
If ICE asks you a question the correct answer is now "Quiet, Piggy."
The Republican Health Plan: Rub some dirt on it. You'll be fine.
November 19, 2025 at 4:43 PM
The Republican Health Plan: Rub some dirt on it. You'll be fine.
This is a video of me laughing at my own joke and my girlfriend saying "You think you're funny. Good for you."
This is Scotty. He is not chasing his own tail's shadow. If you'll notice, he actually has it cornered. 13/10 (TT: lifewithscotty)
November 19, 2025 at 5:43 AM
This is a video of me laughing at my own joke and my girlfriend saying "You think you're funny. Good for you."
Reposted by Phil Johnson
When nature takes him, as it takes us all, perhaps his entire obituary will simply read “quiet, piggy”
November 19, 2025 at 3:03 AM
When nature takes him, as it takes us all, perhaps his entire obituary will simply read “quiet, piggy”
Absolutely the WORST Mexican food at Que Que Queso.
November 18, 2025 at 5:03 PM
Absolutely the WORST Mexican food at Que Que Queso.
Please make this happen!
Muppet Knives Out
November 17, 2025 at 6:14 PM
Please make this happen!
Reposted by Phil Johnson
NEW: Epstein survivors release the most powerful PSA I have ever seen.
Make this go viral so every member of the House of Representatives sees it.
Make this go viral so every member of the House of Representatives sees it.
November 16, 2025 at 11:43 PM
NEW: Epstein survivors release the most powerful PSA I have ever seen.
Make this go viral so every member of the House of Representatives sees it.
Make this go viral so every member of the House of Representatives sees it.
I drove past the crowd exiting the Oregon Ducks game tonight. Didn't see a single person of color. It was all quackers.
November 15, 2025 at 6:35 AM
I drove past the crowd exiting the Oregon Ducks game tonight. Didn't see a single person of color. It was all quackers.
This could have been the parody idea. But instead I did a really dark, Nick Cave-y version. youtu.be/j1MKQ65aXAE?...
November 15, 2025 at 3:46 AM
This could have been the parody idea. But instead I did a really dark, Nick Cave-y version. youtu.be/j1MKQ65aXAE?...
Reposted by Phil Johnson
This is a better answer than I gave on The Source to @kaitlancollins.bsky.social last night.
November 14, 2025 at 5:10 PM
This is a better answer than I gave on The Source to @kaitlancollins.bsky.social last night.
Countdown to the "Um, actually" comments - 3...2...1
Yes, the math was done.
Yes, the math was done.
November 14, 2025 at 12:01 AM
Countdown to the "Um, actually" comments - 3...2...1
Yes, the math was done.
Yes, the math was done.
What? It's not sitting on the Tariff Shelf?
November 11, 2025 at 3:36 PM
What? It's not sitting on the Tariff Shelf?
Just because they want to reopen things doesn't mean we have to.
It'd be a great time for a general strike.
It'd be a great time for a general strike.
November 10, 2025 at 10:27 PM
Just because they want to reopen things doesn't mean we have to.
It'd be a great time for a general strike.
It'd be a great time for a general strike.
Please tell me someone is out there doing Goth Jazz.
November 10, 2025 at 8:22 PM
Please tell me someone is out there doing Goth Jazz.
I'd sooner trust an email from a Nigerian prince than any promise from the Republicans.
November 10, 2025 at 3:14 PM
I'd sooner trust an email from a Nigerian prince than any promise from the Republicans.
Reposted by Phil Johnson
Trump intentionally starving Americans is a crime against humanity. Every other President--including Trump in his first term--ensured SNAP benefits during a govt shutdown were paid so that Americans in need could eat. But not Trump. My new article: deanobeidallah.substack.com/p/trump-inte...
Trump intentionally starving Americans is a crime against humanity
Trump must be brought to justice!
deanobeidallah.substack.com
November 9, 2025 at 8:13 PM
Trump intentionally starving Americans is a crime against humanity. Every other President--including Trump in his first term--ensured SNAP benefits during a govt shutdown were paid so that Americans in need could eat. But not Trump. My new article: deanobeidallah.substack.com/p/trump-inte...
Kim Kardashian failed her Bar Exam. It's nice that something in the world still makes sense.
November 9, 2025 at 7:43 PM
Kim Kardashian failed her Bar Exam. It's nice that something in the world still makes sense.
Reposted by Phil Johnson
November 6, 2025 at 9:17 PM
Reposted by Phil Johnson
*sandwich hits federal agent in the chest*
Narrator: “Subway. Yeet fresh.”
Narrator: “Subway. Yeet fresh.”
November 6, 2025 at 8:55 PM
*sandwich hits federal agent in the chest*
Narrator: “Subway. Yeet fresh.”
Narrator: “Subway. Yeet fresh.”
I enjoyed the Journey Escape video game from 1982 more than I ever enjoyed their music.
November 6, 2025 at 9:28 PM
I enjoyed the Journey Escape video game from 1982 more than I ever enjoyed their music.