Derek Sheen
@dereksheen.bsky.social
Comedian, actor, writer, musician and pretty great in the kitchen. My new solo show "MotherL*ver" is coming soon to a town near you. Check out my albums on Apple Music and Spotify! You can find out all about me here: https://linktr.ee/dereksheen
Reposted by Derek Sheen
So Bondi and Kash make a big deal out of arresting the J6 pipe bomber then the guy confesses that he is a Trump supporter who thought the 2020 election was stolen and his lawyer is arguing that Trump’s broadly-worded J6 blanket pardon applies to him and he should go free. Poetry.
December 6, 2025 at 12:50 AM
So Bondi and Kash make a big deal out of arresting the J6 pipe bomber then the guy confesses that he is a Trump supporter who thought the 2020 election was stolen and his lawyer is arguing that Trump’s broadly-worded J6 blanket pardon applies to him and he should go free. Poetry.
Reposted by Derek Sheen
Bluesky Wrapped and it's how many times your own joke was explained to you
December 4, 2025 at 12:09 AM
Bluesky Wrapped and it's how many times your own joke was explained to you
1981: Tommy Tutone hits it big with “867-5309 (Jenny)”.
1986: Tommy Tutone barely charts with “551-23-3546 (Jenny’s Social Security Number)”.
1992: Tommy Tutone fired from label after “995 S. Fairmont St. Calabasas, Ca. 90290 (Jenny’s Address)”.
1986: Tommy Tutone barely charts with “551-23-3546 (Jenny’s Social Security Number)”.
1992: Tommy Tutone fired from label after “995 S. Fairmont St. Calabasas, Ca. 90290 (Jenny’s Address)”.
December 3, 2025 at 7:09 PM
1981: Tommy Tutone hits it big with “867-5309 (Jenny)”.
1986: Tommy Tutone barely charts with “551-23-3546 (Jenny’s Social Security Number)”.
1992: Tommy Tutone fired from label after “995 S. Fairmont St. Calabasas, Ca. 90290 (Jenny’s Address)”.
1986: Tommy Tutone barely charts with “551-23-3546 (Jenny’s Social Security Number)”.
1992: Tommy Tutone fired from label after “995 S. Fairmont St. Calabasas, Ca. 90290 (Jenny’s Address)”.
If you mistake your cognitive exam for an IQ test, you’ve failed your cognitive exam.
Trump: "I took my physical. I got all As. Everything. But they said to me, 'would you like to take a cognitive test?' I said, 'Is it hard?' They said, 'yes.' I said, 'Well, I'm a very smart person. Who was the last president to take one?' 'No president has ever agreed to take one' ... I aced it."
December 2, 2025 at 6:04 PM
If you mistake your cognitive exam for an IQ test, you’ve failed your cognitive exam.
Man: “Hey! You got your copper in my fiber optic!”
Woman: “Hey! You put your fiber optic in my copper!”
Voiceover: “Two great elements that…(helicopter crashes into plane on the television)
Woman: “Hey! You put your fiber optic in my copper!”
Voiceover: “Two great elements that…(helicopter crashes into plane on the television)
Trump: "Under Boot Edge Edge - another grossly incompetent. Get on his bicycle, ride to work. What they do is they take the fiber optics & they take fiber, try to hook it into copper. And fiber and copper don't mix. You can't do it...you saw that by the helicopter crash. You saw that into the plane"
December 2, 2025 at 5:55 PM
Man: “Hey! You got your copper in my fiber optic!”
Woman: “Hey! You put your fiber optic in my copper!”
Voiceover: “Two great elements that…(helicopter crashes into plane on the television)
Woman: “Hey! You put your fiber optic in my copper!”
Voiceover: “Two great elements that…(helicopter crashes into plane on the television)
And not a single follow up question….
Trump: "People that shouldn't be in our country, and that includes Somalians and plenty of others. We don't want those people. Many of them are no good. All they do is go around killing each other, then they come into our country and tell us how to run our country. We don't want them."
December 1, 2025 at 5:58 PM
And not a single follow up question….
Reposted by Derek Sheen
“I was just following otters.”
November 28, 2025 at 9:09 PM
“I was just following otters.”
I prefer Renaissance-era Malone. #postmalone
November 28, 2025 at 8:36 AM
I prefer Renaissance-era Malone. #postmalone
I will give one thousand dollars, cash money, to the first reporter who tells him
to go fuck himself, to his face, the next time he insults them or a reporter in their vicinity. No joke: $1000 American dollars.
to go fuck himself, to his face, the next time he insults them or a reporter in their vicinity. No joke: $1000 American dollars.
I can’t believe people in the room don’t push back. It doesn’t matter if he’s the president, part of holding him accountable is standing up to his bullying— especially if he’s doing it right in front of your face
“You’re a stupid person” — Trump lashes out at a reporter who presses him on the fact that the suspected DC shooter was actually thoroughly vetted before he was let in the US from Afghanistan
November 28, 2025 at 3:17 AM
I will give one thousand dollars, cash money, to the first reporter who tells him
to go fuck himself, to his face, the next time he insults them or a reporter in their vicinity. No joke: $1000 American dollars.
to go fuck himself, to his face, the next time he insults them or a reporter in their vicinity. No joke: $1000 American dollars.
He’s so racist, he won’t even brown his meat.
November 27, 2025 at 7:37 PM
He’s so racist, he won’t even brown his meat.
Yes, not wearing slippers will ensure air traffic controllers feel more respected and not delay flights. C'mon people, it's just basic logic.
Duffy on his demand that air travelers not wear slippers or pajamas: "It honors our country ... don't take your shoes off and put your feet on the chair ahead of you"
November 24, 2025 at 8:32 PM
Yes, not wearing slippers will ensure air traffic controllers feel more respected and not delay flights. C'mon people, it's just basic logic.
“Hail Hydra”
Trump’s special envoy Witkoff put his hand over his heart when Putin walked in the room. Like he’s reunited with a loved one. That really tells you all you need to know.
November 23, 2025 at 5:02 PM
“Hail Hydra”
I just projectile vomitted my soul from my body.
November 22, 2025 at 9:27 PM
I just projectile vomitted my soul from my body.
At this point, I’m guessing Trump’s not only mentioned in the Epstein files, but whatever he did is so fucked up he’s seeing the ghosts now.
November 20, 2025 at 5:30 PM
At this point, I’m guessing Trump’s not only mentioned in the Epstein files, but whatever he did is so fucked up he’s seeing the ghosts now.
Reposted by Derek Sheen
It turns out that people who caught Trump Derangement Syndrome got herd immunity from stupidity.
November 16, 2025 at 3:27 AM
It turns out that people who caught Trump Derangement Syndrome got herd immunity from stupidity.
I’ve watched Trump eat several Big Macs. If he DID go down on Bill Clinton, I’d hazard a guess that his ‘technique’ was more “Joey Chestnut” and less “Nina Hartley”.
November 15, 2025 at 3:53 AM
I’ve watched Trump eat several Big Macs. If he DID go down on Bill Clinton, I’d hazard a guess that his ‘technique’ was more “Joey Chestnut” and less “Nina Hartley”.
The fact that I’m on MTG’s side is causing me to break out in hives. Did I die? Is this purgatory?
Marge Greene comes back at Trump throwing haymakers. 🍿
November 15, 2025 at 3:43 AM
The fact that I’m on MTG’s side is causing me to break out in hives. Did I die? Is this purgatory?
Reposted by Derek Sheen
Burns: The Old Testament says there’s nothing new under the sun. On July 4th, 1776, there was. Everybody up to that point had been under authoritarian rule. It was in the interests of their rulers that they be uneducated, that they be superstitious, that they be distracted by conspiracies…
November 14, 2025 at 9:45 PM
Burns: The Old Testament says there’s nothing new under the sun. On July 4th, 1776, there was. Everybody up to that point had been under authoritarian rule. It was in the interests of their rulers that they be uneducated, that they be superstitious, that they be distracted by conspiracies…
Reposted by Derek Sheen
Whatever Trump is desperately covering up about Epstein, it’s clearly so bad that he thinks it could destroy him
November 15, 2025 at 1:02 AM
Whatever Trump is desperately covering up about Epstein, it’s clearly so bad that he thinks it could destroy him
I love that Olivia Nuzzi fucked the human equivalent of strep throat and THAT’S what she’ll be remembered for.
I love that for her.
I love that for her.
November 15, 2025 at 3:14 AM
I love that Olivia Nuzzi fucked the human equivalent of strep throat and THAT’S what she’ll be remembered for.
I love that for her.
I love that for her.
Conservatives a year ago: "Release the Files!"
Conservatives today: "Look, there's a big difference between raping a child and raping an older child. If anything, those girls are lucky that Trump took their virginity so they can't be sacrificed to Baphomet in the Comet Ping Pong basement!"
Conservatives today: "Look, there's a big difference between raping a child and raping an older child. If anything, those girls are lucky that Trump took their virginity so they can't be sacrificed to Baphomet in the Comet Ping Pong basement!"
November 15, 2025 at 2:38 AM
Conservatives a year ago: "Release the Files!"
Conservatives today: "Look, there's a big difference between raping a child and raping an older child. If anything, those girls are lucky that Trump took their virginity so they can't be sacrificed to Baphomet in the Comet Ping Pong basement!"
Conservatives today: "Look, there's a big difference between raping a child and raping an older child. If anything, those girls are lucky that Trump took their virginity so they can't be sacrificed to Baphomet in the Comet Ping Pong basement!"
I was banned from Twitter for telling MAGA Todd Starnes, who called for shooting Muslims in the streets, I would gift him a bullet for every stair he could climb without wheezing. Twitter said it was body shaming and a threat. The Left will always eat their own for performative allyship points.
November 14, 2025 at 6:56 PM
I was banned from Twitter for telling MAGA Todd Starnes, who called for shooting Muslims in the streets, I would gift him a bullet for every stair he could climb without wheezing. Twitter said it was body shaming and a threat. The Left will always eat their own for performative allyship points.
Reposted by Derek Sheen
I saw Del Toro’s FRANKENSTEIN late tonight, and I thought it was a pure delight. In the last scene the Creature walked toward the sunrise. Then suddenly, to my surprise…
November 12, 2025 at 6:10 AM
I saw Del Toro’s FRANKENSTEIN late tonight, and I thought it was a pure delight. In the last scene the Creature walked toward the sunrise. Then suddenly, to my surprise…
Man, fuck this piece of shit.
(eats a Snickers…feels the same)
(eats a Snickers…feels the same)
Sean Duffy threatens "action" against air traffic controllers who didn't come to work during the shutdown: "I'm concerned about their patriotism."
November 11, 2025 at 11:55 PM
Man, fuck this piece of shit.
(eats a Snickers…feels the same)
(eats a Snickers…feels the same)