Oh that’s the tastiest part though

I just wanna bash your head against a rock like an otter trying to open a clam.

Me (sipping my first cup of coffee from a keurig):
Wait this doesn’t taste like K-pop at all

I remember the moment in 4th grade like it was yesterday when I realized not all moms start drinking Budweiser tall boys at 7am

Let your no’s be no’s and your yes’s be probably nots

Me:
Speaking of rabies…

Neighbor nervously petting my new pet mongoose:
You said this was a ferret

M:
We gonna split hairs here?

People who comment on a skeet without Liking or re-skeeting are real fuckin buzzkills I say as I notice the 11th such faux pas I’ve made today

Goddamn you autocorrect

Bobby jr embarks on crusade to eliminate all cures, endorsing dewormers, leeches, and California wildfires instead.

Gavin Newsome says rfk jr is the cunt who killed his bestie Charlie Kirk.

Both sides working on a compromise to fuck us all up the ass

People who comment on a skeet without Liking or re-skeeting are real fuckin buzzkills I say as I notice the 11th such faux pas I’ve made today

I'm trying to get on a weight loss plan, but I can't decide if I want to go with meth or a tapeworm.

Jefferson Davis and George Wallace have agreed to be exhumed from their graves for a special duet of “Dixie Land”

Anybody know if Charlie Sheen is still winning?

I’m like 3 ounces in and I’m fine so far

I have a prospectus I’d like to share with you

* throws up a little bit into his mouth

fermented strawbeeries

Mom go to bed for gods sake

Me:
Speaking of rabies…

Neighbor nervously petting my new pet mongoose:
You said this was a ferret

M:
We gonna split hairs here?

😂

First you find a hungry tapeworm, get it hooked on meth…are you writing this down?

What if Santa Claus didn't have a team of reindeer dragging his sleigh around? What if he had gigantic turkeys?!

Angry, jealous, super needy old man god creates paradise for those worthy among his creation but when paradise remains empty after thousands of years he is forced to dismantle and rebrand his entire religion by impregnating a minor with himself so he could eat fish and die for our shitty attitudes

would you still hurl if you stuck oil of ipecac in your butt instead of drinking it?
let’s find out