Zach Heltzel
@zachheltzel.bsky.social
Academy Award winning writer and director of SWIMFAN.
Reposted by Zach Heltzel
Making the pluribus tell me who had crushes on me and what I did to make them change their mind
November 27, 2025 at 2:15 AM
Making the pluribus tell me who had crushes on me and what I did to make them change their mind
Reposted by Zach Heltzel
if only there was a story about a blonde amoral starfucker journalist from new york city who is proactive in facilitating the rise of fascism getting her just desserts that could provide us with some form of catharsis
November 27, 2025 at 12:23 AM
if only there was a story about a blonde amoral starfucker journalist from new york city who is proactive in facilitating the rise of fascism getting her just desserts that could provide us with some form of catharsis
I could fix her.
Hey, congratulations to all of Olivia Nuzzi’s horny media critic defenders. Heckuva job!
November 26, 2025 at 10:58 PM
I could fix her.
Reposted by Zach Heltzel
No one at the rap battle will wait for me to type my prompts
November 25, 2025 at 12:24 PM
No one at the rap battle will wait for me to type my prompts
I have exactly three more months left of being baby
Adolescence lasts to 32, say brain scientists
Adolescence lasts to 32, say brain scientists
www.thetimes.com
November 25, 2025 at 9:30 PM
I have exactly three more months left of being baby
Explaining to my parents why Trapt is performing at a dive bar a mile from their house in suburban Phoenix by reminding them why Lydia Tar moved to the Philippines.
November 23, 2025 at 5:38 AM
Explaining to my parents why Trapt is performing at a dive bar a mile from their house in suburban Phoenix by reminding them why Lydia Tar moved to the Philippines.
I applied and they interviewed me and offered me the job.
November 23, 2025 at 2:20 AM
I applied and they interviewed me and offered me the job.
Send me the new Ryan Lizza piece because I am not giving that man money.
November 22, 2025 at 7:27 AM
Send me the new Ryan Lizza piece because I am not giving that man money.
I think I found the antidepressant that makes me a human boy. Ruh roh! (for my haters)
November 22, 2025 at 1:11 AM
I think I found the antidepressant that makes me a human boy. Ruh roh! (for my haters)
Trump toward Mamdani for some fucking reason lmao
November 21, 2025 at 10:23 PM
Trump toward Mamdani for some fucking reason lmao
Reposted by Zach Heltzel
Reposted by Zach Heltzel
trump is, first and foremost, a starfucker
November 21, 2025 at 9:13 PM
trump is, first and foremost, a starfucker
Reposted by Zach Heltzel
hahahahaha I knew it. "I feel very confident that he can do a very good job. I think he's gonna surprise some conservative people, actually. And some very liberal people he won't surprise because they already like him."
Trump in a room with a very charismatic person results in like half a day of Trump agreeing with everything that person said, so this has the potential to be very, very funny.
Trump says he’s meeting with “communist” Mamdani at the White House on Friday
November 21, 2025 at 8:56 PM
hahahahaha I knew it. "I feel very confident that he can do a very good job. I think he's gonna surprise some conservative people, actually. And some very liberal people he won't surprise because they already like him."
Calling my Oscar shot:
Picture - Sinners
Director - Coogler
Actor - DiCaprio
Actress - Buckley
S. Actor - Skarsgard
S. Actress - Taylor
A. Screenplay - PTA
O. Screenplay - Coogler
Picture - Sinners
Director - Coogler
Actor - DiCaprio
Actress - Buckley
S. Actor - Skarsgard
S. Actress - Taylor
A. Screenplay - PTA
O. Screenplay - Coogler
November 20, 2025 at 6:23 AM
Calling my Oscar shot:
Picture - Sinners
Director - Coogler
Actor - DiCaprio
Actress - Buckley
S. Actor - Skarsgard
S. Actress - Taylor
A. Screenplay - PTA
O. Screenplay - Coogler
Picture - Sinners
Director - Coogler
Actor - DiCaprio
Actress - Buckley
S. Actor - Skarsgard
S. Actress - Taylor
A. Screenplay - PTA
O. Screenplay - Coogler
Nobody:
Literally no one:
Not a single living soul:
Me: An Ethel Cain movie would have to essentially be Tracy Letts doing Fire Walk With Me.
Literally no one:
Not a single living soul:
Me: An Ethel Cain movie would have to essentially be Tracy Letts doing Fire Walk With Me.
November 20, 2025 at 5:04 AM
Nobody:
Literally no one:
Not a single living soul:
Me: An Ethel Cain movie would have to essentially be Tracy Letts doing Fire Walk With Me.
Literally no one:
Not a single living soul:
Me: An Ethel Cain movie would have to essentially be Tracy Letts doing Fire Walk With Me.
DESTWOY! DESTWOY!
November 20, 2025 at 4:12 AM
DESTWOY! DESTWOY!
It’s weird to think that Jesse Eisenberg is, like, actually one of the more reliable butts-in-seats movie stars.
November 19, 2025 at 4:47 AM
It’s weird to think that Jesse Eisenberg is, like, actually one of the more reliable butts-in-seats movie stars.
I hate gay Halloween what do you mean you’re Olivia Nuzzi on the cover art for her single “Jailbait”
November 19, 2025 at 3:29 AM
I hate gay Halloween what do you mean you’re Olivia Nuzzi on the cover art for her single “Jailbait”
I have listened to Olivia Nuzzi’s pop record. Please respect my privacy at this time.
November 19, 2025 at 2:35 AM
I have listened to Olivia Nuzzi’s pop record. Please respect my privacy at this time.
How can I communicate that I’ve always had muscle stiffness and a persistent full-body tremble that does not reflect my internal emotional state at all?
I feel like no one ever believes me when my words don’t match my body language.
I feel like no one ever believes me when my words don’t match my body language.
November 18, 2025 at 7:28 PM
How can I communicate that I’ve always had muscle stiffness and a persistent full-body tremble that does not reflect my internal emotional state at all?
I feel like no one ever believes me when my words don’t match my body language.
I feel like no one ever believes me when my words don’t match my body language.
How how HOW is one of the most powerful people in political journalism also a massive lolcow?
November 18, 2025 at 4:50 PM
How how HOW is one of the most powerful people in political journalism also a massive lolcow?
Reposted by Zach Heltzel
Epstein and Nuzzi highlighting the sex demon caste that rules us in the run-up to what could be a historic financial meltdown feels like turning on your bathroom light at 3 AM to find bloody finger painting on the mirror
November 18, 2025 at 2:07 PM
Epstein and Nuzzi highlighting the sex demon caste that rules us in the run-up to what could be a historic financial meltdown feels like turning on your bathroom light at 3 AM to find bloody finger painting on the mirror
Your fear of being cringe is holding you back.
November 18, 2025 at 4:41 PM
Your fear of being cringe is holding you back.