The Phantom Tollbooth Quotes
@phantomtollbot.bsky.social
Words and numbers are of equal value, for, in the cloak of knowledge, one is warp and the other woof. It is no more important to count the sands than it is to name the stars.
—
To read all its wit and wisdom, get a copy from a local bookstore or library.
—
To read all its wit and wisdom, get a copy from a local bookstore or library.
“Now we’ll get to the bottom of this,” he heard someone say. “Here comes Officer Shrift.”
Striding across the square was the shortest policeman Milo had ever seen. He was scarcely two feet tall and almost twice as wide.
Striding across the square was the shortest policeman Milo had ever seen. He was scarcely two feet tall and almost twice as wide.
November 10, 2025 at 11:01 PM
“Now we’ll get to the bottom of this,” he heard someone say. “Here comes Officer Shrift.”
Striding across the square was the shortest policeman Milo had ever seen. He was scarcely two feet tall and almost twice as wide.
Striding across the square was the shortest policeman Milo had ever seen. He was scarcely two feet tall and almost twice as wide.
The Spelling Bee buzzed dangerously in and out of range of the Humbug’s wildly swinging cane as they menaced and threatened each other, and the crowd stepped back out of danger.
November 10, 2025 at 8:01 PM
The Spelling Bee buzzed dangerously in and out of range of the Humbug’s wildly swinging cane as they menaced and threatened each other, and the crowd stepped back out of danger.
“A slavish concern for the composition of words is the sign of a bankrupt intellect,” roared the Humbug, waving his cane furiously.
November 10, 2025 at 5:08 PM
“A slavish concern for the composition of words is the sign of a bankrupt intellect,” roared the Humbug, waving his cane furiously.
“This,” said the bee with complete disdain, “is the Humbug. A very dislikable fellow.”
“NONSENSE! Everyone loves a Humbug,” shouted the Humbug.
“NONSENSE! Everyone loves a Humbug,” shouted the Humbug.
November 9, 2025 at 11:01 PM
“This,” said the bee with complete disdain, “is the Humbug. A very dislikable fellow.”
“NONSENSE! Everyone loves a Humbug,” shouted the Humbug.
“NONSENSE! Everyone loves a Humbug,” shouted the Humbug.
“I am the Spelling Bee,” announced the Spelling Bee. “Don’t be alarmed—a-l-a-r-m-e-d.”
Milo, who was not overly fond of normal-sized bees, began to back away slowly.
“I can spell anything—a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g,” he boasted, testing his wings. “Try me, try me!”
“Can you spell ‘good-by’?”
Milo, who was not overly fond of normal-sized bees, began to back away slowly.
“I can spell anything—a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g,” he boasted, testing his wings. “Try me, try me!”
“Can you spell ‘good-by’?”
November 9, 2025 at 5:02 PM
“I am the Spelling Bee,” announced the Spelling Bee. “Don’t be alarmed—a-l-a-r-m-e-d.”
Milo, who was not overly fond of normal-sized bees, began to back away slowly.
“I can spell anything—a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g,” he boasted, testing his wings. “Try me, try me!”
“Can you spell ‘good-by’?”
Milo, who was not overly fond of normal-sized bees, began to back away slowly.
“I can spell anything—a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g,” he boasted, testing his wings. “Try me, try me!”
“Can you spell ‘good-by’?”
“You can pick any assortment you like or buy a special box complete with all letters, punctuation marks, and a book of instructions. Here, taste an A; they’re very good.” Milo nibbled carefully at the letter and discovered that it was quite sweet and delicious—just the way you’d expect an A to taste
November 8, 2025 at 8:02 PM
“You can pick any assortment you like or buy a special box complete with all letters, punctuation marks, and a book of instructions. Here, taste an A; they’re very good.” Milo nibbled carefully at the letter and discovered that it was quite sweet and delicious—just the way you’d expect an A to taste
But above all the noise and tumult of the crowd could be heard the merchants’ voices loudly advertising their products.
“Get your fresh-picked ifs, ands, and buts.”
“Hey-yaa, hey-yaa, hey-yaa, nice ripe wheres and whens.”
“Juicy, tempting words for sale.”
“Get your fresh-picked ifs, ands, and buts.”
“Hey-yaa, hey-yaa, hey-yaa, nice ripe wheres and whens.”
“Juicy, tempting words for sale.”
November 7, 2025 at 11:01 PM
But above all the noise and tumult of the crowd could be heard the merchants’ voices loudly advertising their products.
“Get your fresh-picked ifs, ands, and buts.”
“Hey-yaa, hey-yaa, hey-yaa, nice ripe wheres and whens.”
“Juicy, tempting words for sale.”
“Get your fresh-picked ifs, ands, and buts.”
“Hey-yaa, hey-yaa, hey-yaa, nice ripe wheres and whens.”
“Juicy, tempting words for sale.”
“You see,” continued the minister, bowing thankfully to the duke, “Dictionopolis is the place where all the words in the world come from. They’re grown right here in our orchards.”
“I didn’t know that words grew on trees,” said Milo timidly.
“I didn’t know that words grew on trees,” said Milo timidly.
November 6, 2025 at 8:03 PM
“You see,” continued the minister, bowing thankfully to the duke, “Dictionopolis is the place where all the words in the world come from. They’re grown right here in our orchards.”
“I didn’t know that words grew on trees,” said Milo timidly.
“I didn’t know that words grew on trees,” said Milo timidly.
Five very tall, thin gentlemen regally dressed in silks and satins, plumed hats, and buckled shoes rushed up to the car, stopped short, mopped five brows, caught five breaths, unrolled five parchments, and began talking in turn.
“Greetings!”
“Salutations!”
“Welcome!”
“Good afternoon!”
“Hello!”
“Greetings!”
“Salutations!”
“Welcome!”
“Good afternoon!”
“Hello!”
November 5, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Five very tall, thin gentlemen regally dressed in silks and satins, plumed hats, and buckled shoes rushed up to the car, stopped short, mopped five brows, caught five breaths, unrolled five parchments, and began talking in turn.
“Greetings!”
“Salutations!”
“Welcome!”
“Good afternoon!”
“Hello!”
“Greetings!”
“Salutations!”
“Welcome!”
“Good afternoon!”
“Hello!”
“A-H-H-H-R-R-E-M-M,” roared the gateman, clearing his throat and snapping smartly to attention. “This is Dictionopolis, a happy kingdom, advantageously located in the Foothills of Confusion and caressed by gentle breezes from the Sea of Knowledge.”
November 5, 2025 at 5:04 PM
“A-H-H-H-R-R-E-M-M,” roared the gateman, clearing his throat and snapping smartly to attention. “This is Dictionopolis, a happy kingdom, advantageously located in the Foothills of Confusion and caressed by gentle breezes from the Sea of Knowledge.”
Before long they saw in the distance the towers and flags of Dictionopolis sparkling in the sunshine, and in a few moments they reached the great wall and stood at the gateway to the city.
November 5, 2025 at 2:03 PM
Before long they saw in the distance the towers and flags of Dictionopolis sparkling in the sunshine, and in a few moments they reached the great wall and stood at the gateway to the city.
“Help you! You must help yourself,” the dog replied, carefully winding himself with his left hind leg. “I suppose you know why you got stuck.”
“I guess I just wasn’t thinking,” said Milo.
“PRECISELY,” shouted the dog as his alarm went off again. “Now you know what you must do.”
“I guess I just wasn’t thinking,” said Milo.
“PRECISELY,” shouted the dog as his alarm went off again. “Now you know what you must do.”
November 2, 2025 at 11:01 PM
“Help you! You must help yourself,” the dog replied, carefully winding himself with his left hind leg. “I suppose you know why you got stuck.”
“I guess I just wasn’t thinking,” said Milo.
“PRECISELY,” shouted the dog as his alarm went off again. “Now you know what you must do.”
“I guess I just wasn’t thinking,” said Milo.
“PRECISELY,” shouted the dog as his alarm went off again. “Now you know what you must do.”
Milo’s eyes opened wide, for there in front of him was a large dog with a perfectly normal head, four feet, and a tail—and the body of a loudly ticking alarm clock.
November 2, 2025 at 5:01 PM
Milo’s eyes opened wide, for there in front of him was a large dog with a perfectly normal head, four feet, and a tail—and the body of a loudly ticking alarm clock.
“Tell me,” he yawned, for he felt ready for a nap now himself, “does everyone here do nothing?”
“Everyone but the terrible watchdog,” said two of them, shuddering in chorus. “He’s always sniffing around to see that nobody wastes time. A most unpleasant character.”
“Everyone but the terrible watchdog,” said two of them, shuddering in chorus. “He’s always sniffing around to see that nobody wastes time. A most unpleasant character.”
November 2, 2025 at 2:01 PM
“Tell me,” he yawned, for he felt ready for a nap now himself, “does everyone here do nothing?”
“Everyone but the terrible watchdog,” said two of them, shuddering in chorus. “He’s always sniffing around to see that nobody wastes time. A most unpleasant character.”
“Everyone but the terrible watchdog,” said two of them, shuddering in chorus. “He’s always sniffing around to see that nobody wastes time. A most unpleasant character.”
“Ordinance 175389-J: It shall be unlawful, illegal, and unethical to think, think of thinking, surmise, presume, reason, meditate, or speculate while in the Doldrums. Anyone breaking this law shall be severely punished!”
“That’s a ridiculous law,” said Milo, quite indignantly. “Everybody thinks.”
“That’s a ridiculous law,” said Milo, quite indignantly. “Everybody thinks.”
November 1, 2025 at 4:04 PM
“Ordinance 175389-J: It shall be unlawful, illegal, and unethical to think, think of thinking, surmise, presume, reason, meditate, or speculate while in the Doldrums. Anyone breaking this law shall be severely punished!”
“That’s a ridiculous law,” said Milo, quite indignantly. “Everybody thinks.”
“That’s a ridiculous law,” said Milo, quite indignantly. “Everybody thinks.”
“The Doldrums, my young friend, are where nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes.”
“Allow me to introduce all of us,” the creature went on. “We are the Lethargarians, at your service.”
“Allow me to introduce all of us,” the creature went on. “We are the Lethargarians, at your service.”
October 31, 2025 at 10:03 PM
“The Doldrums, my young friend, are where nothing ever happens and nothing ever changes.”
“Allow me to introduce all of us,” the creature went on. “We are the Lethargarians, at your service.”
“Allow me to introduce all of us,” the creature went on. “We are the Lethargarians, at your service.”
The sky became quite gray and, along with it, the whole countryside seemed to lose its color and assume the same monotonous tone. Everything was quiet, and even the air hung heavily. The birds sang only gray songs and the road wound back and forth in an endless series of climbing curves.
October 31, 2025 at 7:04 PM
The sky became quite gray and, along with it, the whole countryside seemed to lose its color and assume the same monotonous tone. Everything was quiet, and even the air hung heavily. The birds sang only gray songs and the road wound back and forth in an endless series of climbing curves.
“I thought you were the Weather Man,” said Milo, very confused.
“Oh no,” said the little man, “I’m the Whether Man, not the Weather Man, for after all it’s more important to know whether there will be weather than what the weather will be.”
“Oh no,” said the little man, “I’m the Whether Man, not the Weather Man, for after all it’s more important to know whether there will be weather than what the weather will be.”
October 30, 2025 at 4:06 PM
“I thought you were the Weather Man,” said Milo, very confused.
“Oh no,” said the little man, “I’m the Whether Man, not the Weather Man, for after all it’s more important to know whether there will be weather than what the weather will be.”
“Oh no,” said the little man, “I’m the Whether Man, not the Weather Man, for after all it’s more important to know whether there will be weather than what the weather will be.”
The sun sparkled, the sky was clear, and all the colors he saw seemed to be richer and brighter than he could ever remember. The flowers shone as if they’d been cleaned and polished, and the tall trees that lined the road shimmered in silvery green.
October 30, 2025 at 1:04 PM
The sun sparkled, the sky was clear, and all the colors he saw seemed to be richer and brighter than he could ever remember. The flowers shone as if they’d been cleaned and polished, and the tall trees that lined the road shimmered in silvery green.
For lack of anything better to do, drove slowly up to the tollbooth. As he deposited his coin and rolled past he remarked wistfully, “I do hope this is an interesting game, otherwise the afternoon will be so terribly dull.”
October 29, 2025 at 10:02 PM
For lack of anything better to do, drove slowly up to the tollbooth. As he deposited his coin and rolled past he remarked wistfully, “I do hope this is an interesting game, otherwise the afternoon will be so terribly dull.”
As the announcement stated, it was a beautiful map, in many colors, showing principal roads, rivers and seas, towns and cities, mountains and valleys, intersections and detours, and sites of outstanding interest both beautiful and historic.
October 29, 2025 at 7:06 PM
As the announcement stated, it was a beautiful map, in many colors, showing principal roads, rivers and seas, towns and cities, mountains and valleys, intersections and detours, and sites of outstanding interest both beautiful and historic.
And in smaller letters at the bottom it concluded:
“RESULTS ARE NOT GUARANTEED, BUT IF NOT PERFECTLY SATISFIED, YOUR WASTED TIME WILL BE REFUNDED.”
“RESULTS ARE NOT GUARANTEED, BUT IF NOT PERFECTLY SATISFIED, YOUR WASTED TIME WILL BE REFUNDED.”
October 29, 2025 at 4:08 PM
And in smaller letters at the bottom it concluded:
“RESULTS ARE NOT GUARANTEED, BUT IF NOT PERFECTLY SATISFIED, YOUR WASTED TIME WILL BE REFUNDED.”
“RESULTS ARE NOT GUARANTEED, BUT IF NOT PERFECTLY SATISFIED, YOUR WASTED TIME WILL BE REFUNDED.”
“And worst of all,” he continued sadly, “there’s nothing for me to do, nowhere I’d care to go, and hardly anything worth seeing.” He punctuated this last thought with such a deep sigh that a house sparrow singing nearby stopped and rushed home to be with his family.
October 28, 2025 at 10:02 PM
“And worst of all,” he continued sadly, “there’s nothing for me to do, nowhere I’d care to go, and hardly anything worth seeing.” He punctuated this last thought with such a deep sigh that a house sparrow singing nearby stopped and rushed home to be with his family.
His thoughts darted eagerly about as everything looked new— and worth trying.
"Well, I would like to make another trip," he said, jumping to his feet; "but I really don't know when I'll have the time. There's just so much to do right here."
"Well, I would like to make another trip," he said, jumping to his feet; "but I really don't know when I'll have the time. There's just so much to do right here."
October 27, 2025 at 7:04 PM
His thoughts darted eagerly about as everything looked new— and worth trying.
"Well, I would like to make another trip," he said, jumping to his feet; "but I really don't know when I'll have the time. There's just so much to do right here."
"Well, I would like to make another trip," he said, jumping to his feet; "but I really don't know when I'll have the time. There's just so much to do right here."
Where the tollbooth had been just the night before, there was now nothing at all. He searched frantically throughout the apartment, but it had vanished just as mysteriously as it had come—and in its place was another bright-blue envelope, which was addressed simply:
"FOR MILO, WHO NOW KNOWS THE WAY"
"FOR MILO, WHO NOW KNOWS THE WAY"
October 26, 2025 at 7:02 PM
Where the tollbooth had been just the night before, there was now nothing at all. He searched frantically throughout the apartment, but it had vanished just as mysteriously as it had come—and in its place was another bright-blue envelope, which was addressed simply:
"FOR MILO, WHO NOW KNOWS THE WAY"
"FOR MILO, WHO NOW KNOWS THE WAY"