Much as I need to be careful not to isolate myself even more, I think I really do need to take a step back from being around big groups of people til I stop having such bad fear and mood swings

I would *love* to be able to start enjoying things again and feeling like I can do things for myself without it somehow being just like everyone who hurt me

Hope all goes well, good luck

Like, I keep telling myself I need to, and I can't just wait til I have somewhere permanent, but I don't think I can keep this up anymore

I keep trying to brute force myself into being around people and chatting and it feels so fucking embarassing and hollow

None of this is an original observation, I know, and yet I still keep seeing this shit happen over and over and it makes my blood boil

I find it telling that the main purpose for the deployment of it in my experience is to excuse harm with ideas that you can't take action against someone who's actions have hurt others, or exclude someone from your spaces because of their conflation with "*the* trans community"

Less satisying is that every time I've tried to give this game a go it's had some sort of unfixable issue; at least this time it's just that the audio is weirdly balanced and much quieter than any other application on headphones

Oddly satisfying to be as good at accidentally injuring myself in unexpected and stupid ways in a video game as in real life

I'm usually stressed and angry enough as is, I really don't need any assistance there