John Dantzler
@johnmdantzler.bsky.social
FB, Tweetland refugee, leukemia survivor, lost and outnumbered in the land of Bless Yore Heaaaarrrt, smart aleck. Profanity is not unlikely.
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Hey I saw The Terminator! I saw The Matrix! I know what the machines are up to! That’s why I keep them busy by asking ChatGPT to write the complete works of Shakespeare in the style of an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters.
Thanks to the hurricane, a year plus later we have a rebuilt house and new appliances. And we are scared. “You forgot to add the fabric softener, Dave.” “I’M NOT USING ANY AND MY NAME ISN’T DAVE!!!”
November 26, 2025 at 5:25 PM
Thanks to the hurricane, a year plus later we have a rebuilt house and new appliances. And we are scared. “You forgot to add the fabric softener, Dave.” “I’M NOT USING ANY AND MY NAME ISN’T DAVE!!!”
My loafers have shitty arch support, my sneakers have great arch support, while my slippers have no arch support, hence the Overpronation Motto: Neither loaf nor slip, but always sneak.
November 26, 2025 at 2:40 AM
My loafers have shitty arch support, my sneakers have great arch support, while my slippers have no arch support, hence the Overpronation Motto: Neither loaf nor slip, but always sneak.
Nobody ever sings Hail To The Chief, but the lyrics turn out to be eerily prescient:
Hail to the thief
Who has stolen our great nation
Hail to the rapist
We revile him one and all
Hail to the grifter
As he grabs bribes with both hands
His few convictions
Thirty-four in number
1/3
Hail to the thief
Who has stolen our great nation
Hail to the rapist
We revile him one and all
Hail to the grifter
As he grabs bribes with both hands
His few convictions
Thirty-four in number
1/3
November 25, 2025 at 5:52 PM
Nobody ever sings Hail To The Chief, but the lyrics turn out to be eerily prescient:
Hail to the thief
Who has stolen our great nation
Hail to the rapist
We revile him one and all
Hail to the grifter
As he grabs bribes with both hands
His few convictions
Thirty-four in number
1/3
Hail to the thief
Who has stolen our great nation
Hail to the rapist
We revile him one and all
Hail to the grifter
As he grabs bribes with both hands
His few convictions
Thirty-four in number
1/3
Yes Virginia There May Or May Not Be A Santa Claus
Dear New York Times,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends are telling me there is no Santa Claus. My Poppa says that “If you see it in the Times, it’s so.” So please tell me, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia,
1/5
Dear New York Times,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends are telling me there is no Santa Claus. My Poppa says that “If you see it in the Times, it’s so.” So please tell me, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia,
1/5
November 23, 2025 at 1:04 AM
Yes Virginia There May Or May Not Be A Santa Claus
Dear New York Times,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends are telling me there is no Santa Claus. My Poppa says that “If you see it in the Times, it’s so.” So please tell me, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia,
1/5
Dear New York Times,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends are telling me there is no Santa Claus. My Poppa says that “If you see it in the Times, it’s so.” So please tell me, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia,
1/5
That and the brown nose.
If Vance’s entire world was burning down around him, he would still stand there with a smug, self-satisfied look on his face and tell you he’s winning.
November 22, 2025 at 3:48 AM
That and the brown nose.
He is the polyester in the tapestry of history, the brown note in the symphony of America.
November 21, 2025 at 2:56 AM
He is the polyester in the tapestry of history, the brown note in the symphony of America.
Shouldn’t he have unmitigated gallstones by now?
November 20, 2025 at 5:18 PM
Shouldn’t he have unmitigated gallstones by now?
I was reviewing all the almost as bad worst presidents of history to guess whether any of them might have said “Quiet, Piggy” to a reporter.
Franklin Pierce in a press gaggle in Gutter One? Nope?
James Buchanan on Railroad One? No.
1/2
Franklin Pierce in a press gaggle in Gutter One? Nope?
James Buchanan on Railroad One? No.
1/2
November 20, 2025 at 1:45 AM
I was reviewing all the almost as bad worst presidents of history to guess whether any of them might have said “Quiet, Piggy” to a reporter.
Franklin Pierce in a press gaggle in Gutter One? Nope?
James Buchanan on Railroad One? No.
1/2
Franklin Pierce in a press gaggle in Gutter One? Nope?
James Buchanan on Railroad One? No.
1/2
One aspect of the suggestion that Trump blew Ghislaine Maxwell’s horse: it gives that stable genius thing a whole new meaning.
November 18, 2025 at 2:59 PM
One aspect of the suggestion that Trump blew Ghislaine Maxwell’s horse: it gives that stable genius thing a whole new meaning.
We used to call DOJ the Just Us Department but now it’s the Just Him Department.
November 18, 2025 at 2:28 AM
We used to call DOJ the Just Us Department but now it’s the Just Him Department.
Ok, if we’re not going to do anything about the elephant in the room, can we st least install an elephant latrine?
November 17, 2025 at 1:56 AM
Ok, if we’re not going to do anything about the elephant in the room, can we st least install an elephant latrine?
Used to be if I saw a flag at half staff I assumed a senator or ex-president had died. Now I assume it’s for the death of democracy, the rule of law or the illusion that we live in a free country. (It’s actually for Cheney, by the way.)
November 15, 2025 at 5:10 PM
Used to be if I saw a flag at half staff I assumed a senator or ex-president had died. Now I assume it’s for the death of democracy, the rule of law or the illusion that we live in a free country. (It’s actually for Cheney, by the way.)
“Sir, this is a Wendy’s, but the girl on the logo is a cartoon. Wendy is 64 now.”
November 14, 2025 at 2:15 AM
“Sir, this is a Wendy’s, but the girl on the logo is a cartoon. Wendy is 64 now.”
Dunning-Kruger effect Corollary: If a total incompetent who believes himself to be a stable genius hires only assclowns from Fox News for his cabinet, other assclowns who truly believe themselves to be significant political figures who were passed over for the cabinet are going to Ides of March him.
November 14, 2025 at 2:13 AM
Dunning-Kruger effect Corollary: If a total incompetent who believes himself to be a stable genius hires only assclowns from Fox News for his cabinet, other assclowns who truly believe themselves to be significant political figures who were passed over for the cabinet are going to Ides of March him.
Everything would have worked out if Good Knievel had come along and defeated Evel. He would have made the Snake River Canyon jump, too.
November 14, 2025 at 2:11 AM
Everything would have worked out if Good Knievel had come along and defeated Evel. He would have made the Snake River Canyon jump, too.
I know I would have turned out better if I had grown up with my globetrotting scientist dad, his, er, pilot and bodyguard, and my East Indian sidekick Hadji. Sim sim salabim, mother fuckers!
November 14, 2025 at 2:11 AM
I know I would have turned out better if I had grown up with my globetrotting scientist dad, his, er, pilot and bodyguard, and my East Indian sidekick Hadji. Sim sim salabim, mother fuckers!
Virginia Giuffre started as a massage therapist at Mar-a-Lago. The Trump chain was going to offer Ivanka Trump brand spa centers at all properties. The latter idea didn’t pan out. It’s almost like massage services from Trump properties developed some kind of adverse reputation.
November 14, 2025 at 2:10 AM
Virginia Giuffre started as a massage therapist at Mar-a-Lago. The Trump chain was going to offer Ivanka Trump brand spa centers at all properties. The latter idea didn’t pan out. It’s almost like massage services from Trump properties developed some kind of adverse reputation.
On the bright side, Schumer is writing himself a VERY sharply worded letter.
November 10, 2025 at 2:57 AM
On the bright side, Schumer is writing himself a VERY sharply worded letter.
open.substack.com/pub/johnmdan...
I wrote a saga.
I wrote a saga.
Guilty But Mentally Ill
If it was an epic, we would need a catalogue of ships.
open.substack.com
November 10, 2025 at 1:55 AM
open.substack.com/pub/johnmdan...
I wrote a saga.
I wrote a saga.
Update: the emperor has no clothes, support, health care plan, common decency or reliable information and is years late for a diaper change.
November 9, 2025 at 2:51 PM
Update: the emperor has no clothes, support, health care plan, common decency or reliable information and is years late for a diaper change.
All those guys following you from The Gambia? They’re really Keanu.
November 9, 2025 at 3:16 AM
All those guys following you from The Gambia? They’re really Keanu.
Was thinking today was an important anniversary so I looked up This Day in History but I really had to scroll down to get to 2016. I guess I needed to look up Days That Live in Infamy.
November 9, 2025 at 1:18 AM
Was thinking today was an important anniversary so I looked up This Day in History but I really had to scroll down to get to 2016. I guess I needed to look up Days That Live in Infamy.
Oh boy! Linen cereal!
Part of this complete breakfast!
Part of this complete breakfast!
November 8, 2025 at 2:59 AM
Oh boy! Linen cereal!
Part of this complete breakfast!
Part of this complete breakfast!
Can’t they get a move on at developing those fucking dilithium crystals already?
November 7, 2025 at 1:43 AM
Can’t they get a move on at developing those fucking dilithium crystals already?
Wasn’t it great when the boss of bosses called all his yes men in to tell them what a bad idea the government shutdown that he had insisted upon was?
November 6, 2025 at 11:44 PM
Wasn’t it great when the boss of bosses called all his yes men in to tell them what a bad idea the government shutdown that he had insisted upon was?